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I miss her. It took me 24 years to realize that my family have been there all along. My mom might not have known who I am all this time or even who I really am now. But having to just listen to her voice makes some part of my day better. I know where I am now. I know that no one can pull me up from this fall other than myself. I know that each day, there will be new pain coming in. The pain of seeing him fine or the pain of just seeing him. Memories will slip in and I will fall again. There is something that my mom told me today, "What has happened is already a fact. There is nothing you can do about it. You can keep looking back. You can keep going back to that moment. You can keep reliving that memory over and over again. You can look at your faults and his faults and go round and round on that merry-go-round. You can keep telling yourself what you could have done and what he could have done. What he could have change and how you could have acted to get the exact result that you wanted. Either way, what is done is done. What is said is said. It's time to move on. It time to fix now. Whatever now is. If it is you that is broken, then fix yourself. Letting go is hard, but once you do, you will see how everything will be much happier." This coming from my mom was especially hard to hear. Because all this time, I have always thought that they have not let go and I am the one who have been fine. Boy am I wrong! They have seen a better part of things way before I have. I was so blinded. I have seen my parents fought. My mom cried. My dad yelled. I still remember me preparing for their divorce. Its true, I have no idea what my parents have been thru to get this far.

I give relationship advises to people all the time. Talking about honesty. Talking about pain. Talking about knowing when to let go. Talking about how I have been there and done that. The irony in my actions is way too much. So here I am again. Eating my own words. Eating my own advise.