Did I do it wrong again? Cuz it feels like it. I am tired.

I am so angry and sad! The worst thing is, I do not know what is causing it. I am angry at everything!

I don't wanna stay home. I have no money. There is no where I wanna go. I am just lost in the sea of cars. Trap in traffic jam would probably be the best part about all this. It is the only time where I have an excuse to not face reality and say, "I am trap between cars. I have no where to turn."

I don't feel like meeting anyone or talk to anyone. I secretly wish that I am sick and there is people to take care of me. But even if I am. No 1 would. *exclude my mum.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that horrible at being a human. Does that means I would be worse being dead?

It suck to feel only anger and not hatred. Sadness but nothing to be sad about.

UNDER PROBATION!

Have you ever tried waking up staring at your computer screen and couldn't believe what you are looking at and wondering should you go hang yourself on the spot or just go back to sleep? In my case, I was leading to the sleeping zone but I did not manage to put my head back down to my pillow due to increasing death thoughts in my mind. So physically I was heading to sleep but mentally I was secretly hoping for death.

My result is bad.... REAL BAD! It is so bad that I am under probation. (the price I have to pay for enjoying in Genting) Now I have to drop two subject out of the 6 I am suppose to be taking this trimester. Will I end up graduating later than the rest of my classmates??? (not including Joyesh ~i hope) This SUCK! Worst of all is that I have no 1 to blame but myself! WHY!!!???? Why am I so dumb????!!!

Entering afternoon did not make my day better. I have to sit through Financial Accounting class under serious heat. There is no air-condition and there is only 1 stupid stand fan that doesn't turn. Thank goodness it ended in an hour. Went to SPB trying to bump into David but unsuccessful. Since I am currently out of credit, I couldn't contact him. I have to get my credit, and to students of MMU, they know that the only place to get credit in MMU is at Plaza Siswa using that stupid Kodak machine. (you will know why I call it stupid soon) It has always been a stupid machine but today it might just reach it maximum point of stupidity. We are suppose to get a receipt after we put in the money and done all the other procedures. For me today, I did not get mine! Why am I so mad over a receipt is because the top-up code is suppose to be on that receipt! Then I kind of trick a guy in buying a top-up without telling him my story. I know I shouldn't have done that but I can't help it. I was hot and sweating and wondering whether is there class or not later and my result and under probation. To be short, I was under tremendous stress! So there you go, I have cause that guy a RM 10 top-up. Although I have to say I don't feel guilty at all.

So sick and tired!

Everyone, a promise is a promise! Try your very best to keep it! Don't tell me shit like, a promise is meant to be broken! If its meant to be broken, then why made it in the first place.

If you care about someone, you would go through length to find out about her. Even when she doesn't answer your call or reply your messages. You would go Facebook to check on her status, you would go her blog to find out about her life. And not just complain about the fact the she leaves you! FUCK YOU! Suck it up would you! Stop saying you know nothing, when people is practically showing you everything you need to know! Just admit the fact that you are just so FUCKING LAZY to go and find out!

....!!!!....!!!!

Ever feel like the you are on top of the world at 1 second... Then the next, your mum just have to ruin it by yelling at you after your friends of boyfriend walk out the door???

I can't find 1 day in my life that i could happily go out the whole day and enjoy, when i am home, my mum would just be normal and treat me good. She some how have to go crazy about something. Sometimes, the things she got mad about makes no sense at all!

ARrrrRRRggggGGGGG!!!!!!! Ok ok... i should stop trashing and complaining about my mum. Please proceed to the next post...

M3 and my paranoid self....

One of the scariest things i learn in a relationship is JEALOUSY! It ruins everything! It is a feeling that just tend to stuck in your mind. That is not the worst part, it suck out your senses to which make you go all paranoid and crazy... A very horrible and torturing feeling.

That is what i am going through now. I can't help it. It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling jealous. I know i have no rights from what i have done. But that feeling is just there. I don't want to tell him what to do and what not to do. I don't want to control him. I don't want to turn into one of those crazy freaks girlfriend that go all woo-hoo at their boyfriend. That is not me and never will be me!

So can someone or anyone tell me how???!!! How can i stop feeling this way???? Stop being so paranoid, angry and sad...

Make me INVISIBLE!

"I am so tired of being good! It is not me! I do not obey to certain rules! I am going to hell! HAPPY!!!!???? I don't care what you have to say! I don't care if you don't like it! I will be who you want me to be! I will never be the girl you wish your son falls in love with!"

Those are the words that are boiling in me... I want so much to scream it out! But those words are not true. I will still always try my best to impress you, to make you approve of me, to make you like me more... I wish i won't go to hell. I care about your opinion, and i wish one day i would live up to your expectations.

Why am i crying??? Why am i sad??? Why do i wish that i could do it all over again???
Because i am sad. Because i screw up again and again. Because i wish i would have a chance to be a better person.

That will never happen. Each time i break down and cry, i have to take all my strength to wipe off my tears and smile again. I have to tell myself that i have already did my best. I am who i am, and i have no reason to change myself to someone i don't want to be.

But for now, make me invisible... I don't wish the world to see me. I don't wish to see myself. I just want to hide and cry like a little girl....

Your time will come....

I suddenly have the urge of writing this post after going through her profile... You are SO FAKE! (I don't mean her... it is meant for someone else) How can you do this??? After so many times??? Don't you think you are the childish one??? WAIT! I ask the wrong question. It should be, do you have a heart made of stone??? Do you have any idea how many pain and agony she is going through??? All you think of is yourself. When you are not happy, you just walk away. When you are done playing ''outside'', you come back begging as if you have done nothing wrong.

You made those choices yourself. You choose her over me. You went back to her even after how many flings you have, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. You are in university now. Why can't you just settle down with her???

1. If you say she is childish then why go with her at the first place??? Don't start creating excuses that you don't know at the beginning. For God sake! You have been tormenting her feelings since she started form 1! You out of all people should have known better!

2. You told her that all you want to do now is to concentrate on your studies... For me those are all bulls*** talk! What are you doing in a club then???

3. You said what's over is over. Then why do you always come crawling back... S**KER!

4. STOP black mailing her! She is not your puppet! If you are so brave to say everything out, then go ahead! Why are you still hesitating??? Giving her a chance? CRAP! You are just as coward as ever! Deep down, you don't have any guts to do anything!

5. Lastly, you better stop while you can... Everything you do now would destroy you in the future. I have a very good feeling that you are going to suffer way more than what ever me and her have suffered.

P.S. To the ''she'', you have no idea what you are getting yourself into... I wish the best of luck to you...

Anger that i loathe...

A post before i go to bed... I just could not find a way to understand why am i so angry. The feeling that i had when i saw those pictures was almost unbearable. The anger that gush through me. The sudden raise in my body heat. The sudden urge of wanting to scream out loud. Yet, on the outside, i keep telling myself to just keep it calm. Curse all i want now but let it all go later. Can i do it???? I don't have a good feeling about it though. I will still try. Then another anger start growing in me. Is like i am more angry of myself because i don't know why am i angry. I know i could not turn to anyone to complaint except my best friend/my sister because she would probably be the only one that understand why i feel this way now. Others would just say i am over-reacting. Or maybe i am.....

A cut that never seem to heal.....

I am sad. Deep in me i am hurt by what you have done. But it does not matter to you anymore. I am no one to you. Not even a friend. That is how you are. Maybe i did do mistake and be selfish about us. But i cannot think of a reasonable reason why are you acting this way towards me. All the words.... Now you are saying to her. I am not jealous. I just dont understand how you move on so fast. If you say i did the same to you, then you are wrong. I never say i love you more than a friend. I like you. When i am with you, i have always been truthful. I guess you just dont see it in your eyes. I dont blame you. A girl like me is very hard to trust. I never make my choice from what "THE MARKET" is offering. I make my choice from my heart. And i love him. That is why i am with him. I am very happy that you found someone. At least you are cheerful again. I guess me and you are just like that, friend, no friend, friend again and finally no friend. I just want you to know that i treasure you alot. More than other people think i should. You would always be my friend no matter what happen. Finally, I AM SORRY!

Confused 2

There is so many things i wanna say to you guys... My feeling now, i just wanna yell out loud. BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But thats not really what i want to say. I really wish i can be lock up 1 day in a room with you... I dont even mind if in the beginning you wanna yell at me... I just wanna talk to you and make you understand what i really meant to say... I am not angry or hate you girls even if i am invisible or a bitch to you girls... What i wrote in my blog is the truth... I am not lying... There might be a lot of misunderstanding in all this crap..... 1 very important thing tat i wanna say is about AGLN. I am very speechless because someone just came to me 1 day and tells me that she dislike me. My first reaction was "????HUH???? What i did???".

P.S I seriously do not know why you hate me.... SOBZ.....

F myself!!!!!!!!!!

Do i still mind??? Why do i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see those pictures??? I am really confused... Why can i get over every great guy i have ever been with but not this jerk??? Why do my heart still ache everytime i think of him??? I wanna cry... I really wanna cry... But my tears just wouldnt come out... I want to cry so much... So badly... I want my eyes to ache.... I want to shout out loud!!!! I wanna lose my voice... I want to look him in the eyes and tell him, he is a jerk.... I want to yell at him!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

Valantine Day craziness

Omg omg!!!! I have to stop!!! STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!! I have to stop doing this! Stop doing things that would end up hurting people... I cant do this no more... I cant stand it... Being such an absolute idiot... Being so easily affected...

I cant be in love... I DONT WANNA BE IN LOVE!!!!!! Errrrr.... i feel like knocking myself to the wall now. Bang Bang and Bang!!!! Knock some sense out off me... Out of my brain.

Hypothesis :
1st - I am thinking overly crazy about everything... Thinking in so many different ways that everything got jumble up and now i am going woo-hoo....

2nd - I am not over him... Not over that idiot jerk that has been killing me for the past one and a half year... Still got sad every time i think of him...not for what he have done to me. But is to what i have feel about him all this time. Which i am still confused. I just feel sad and gloomy each time i think of him...

3rd - Having some mental problem or phobia against relationships issues... Just wanna get as far away as possible from it...

Conclusion : All three hypothesis is accepted. In short form.... I am a crazy, pathetic, freaking a**hole!!!!

Confused????

I really hate to see my classmate at my working place.... Is not that i dont want to see them.... I am happy to see them... Is just that i always look invisible to most of them.... I try to make myself understand and except it but its just so hard because the truth is i have never done anything to them....

1st girl _ AGL - I have never done anything to you... I have already talk to him less after he is your bf.... I never even touch him.... Dont even dare to talk to him alone... I pull up my skirt up to my knee in class because i am hot!!! Not to show off my legs or trying to be horny.... And fyi, no one wants to see!!!! Your bf hit my car, so why are you giving me that face???? I am not even blaming him or you... You just hate me.... FOR WHAT!!!????

2nd girl _ MCL - I want to say "GET A LIFE".... But that is too harsh. So....why are you doing this???? Izzit just because one of your best friend is my ex, one of your ex is my ex or one of you "bro" is my ex???? You are the one spreading rumours and talking horrible crap behind my crap.... And in the end you are the one that hate me?????

3rd girl _ JY - Halo???? Do we even know each other that well??? We have never spoken to each other more than 10 words???? As a matter affect i dont even think we know each other more than our name.... Out of no where you just decided that you should hate me??? That you can throw the plate of food you are suppose to serve me.... ??????

4th girl _ AGLN - Omg...this is more weird.... I dont even know where to start.... I think of your name and i am just speechless.....

Miss Independent????? NOT!!!!

I am not trying to be Miss Independent. I am just not ready now... I have never been single since i am 13!!!! Cant i just stop and catch a breath now???? Is that too much to ask for???? All this time i have been who others want me to be... I am so confused of who i am now. That i dont even know myself... I just want to find myself and know who i am before i make another decision that would affect others.... We are not in high school anymore.... Mistake that we do we have to bare with it forever.... We dont get a 2nd chance so easily anymore....

When i am still in my right mind now. I will say what has always been what i truly want to say to you. If you are smart, you would stay away from me. I am not the kind of girl you would want to hold hands and share happy times together... I am no good for anyone. I am so mess up and full of crapping ego. True the 1st few months would be like a dream but trust me i will give you hell after that. I know you wanna make it up to me. But not this way. I have hurt many people that i dont wish i have. I will make you suffer... I will make you live in hell... I will make you wish you have never met me...

Walk away now when you still can... I am sorry if i make tears stain on your pillow... I am sorry that make you think i would be good.....

Triumph That Hurts!

Triumph is usually something happy to celebrate about... But what if the triumph that you get is by cheating and lying your way through everything to get it... Does it have meaning anymore if thinking it back??? Should the winner be smiling or sobbing??? Should he/she be proud or ashamed of their winning??? Come to think of it... Is winning that important??? If by being a winner hurts the people you love and most importantly people that love you, izzit still worth it??? How can a person define triumph in a way that no one would get hurt??? In a war, either one of the opponent wins there will always still be blood pouring. In a relationship, if you finally get to be with the person you love, there will still always be someone else that love that person crying off the pain of losing.... In examination, being the 1st in class is a winning that everyone dream for... but there again will always be someone crying for their lost.

I have been a very selfish and manipulative person... Wait! I still am. I have always lie and cheat my way to getting what i want... It sometimes matter to me how others feel but usually i am just so blinded by all the things that i would get that i forget how it would hurts anymore. The most ashamed action that i have ever made in my life is not lying to the people i love. Its lying to the people that loves me... Because i dont deserve any of their loves... With all the things i have done, i should be left alone all by myself to suffer for my actions. My addictions to winning is so strong that now when i sit down and think about it... It does not even make any sense to me anymore.... Cuz the funny thing is, are those even winnings???? If those are, then where is all the medals and trophys??? I dont see any... I dont think i even have any. If i do i should throw and burn all of it. Cuz there is nothing proud to be showing them off.

The truth is i have always been the loser... I have lost the trust of many people and friends... I have lost so many things just to get one... So i am the loser... A blind loser.... An addict...

So piss off with life

Great!!!! Just now when i was working i have so many things on mind to write... Now its so jumble up i dont even know which and what to write anymore... People just like to walk away from my life without telling what happen... What i did??? Cant you guys at least tell me???? Or am i suppose to get the messege myself by all the torturing things you guys are doing to me??? Well i am very happy you think i am that smart. But i am not... I am dumb!!! Very dumb!!!! Tell me.... Dont do things in front of me and expect me to get it...

Could anyone please drive any vehicle and knock me off the road.... Make me forget everything... Let me feel the physical pain at least.... O... wait... Since you treating me so cold... Why dont you just drive your bike and knock me hard???? I would thank you... Dont worry about it... I wont press any charges... You might even feel better....

Ok...coming back to reality... If you are good enough not to run me over with your bike.... Can you at least dont treat me that cold???? Cant we be like normal friends???? TALK NORMALLY?????

I did it....

I told her everything.... I dont feel bad... I just dont understand why does she still need to think about breaking up with him or not... ITS BEEN 6 FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!!! How could anyone possibly stand it???? I know i have no rights to say or ask you to make any decision. But isnt obvious enough that he is an idiot????? As i have said...its all your choice.... Haiz.......

So so so piss off now... I dont feel ashamed of being played by him... I feel so ashamed because i have such an idiot ex like him.... I am so angry and fustrated i dont even know what i wanna write anymore....

Moving on...

For a week, i have been thinking about what a loser i am. Losing to a 16 year old girl. Its killing me... Sobbing and torturing myself every minutes with the thought of what that has happen... Now that things has gone better. I start to think more clearly. Thinking it another way... I have never lost neither i have ever win... I just simply move on with my life... Eventhough we are still friends... I dont know how i would keep this up. What i know is that i have learn 2 be brave enough to face whatever that will be waiting for me... Because i believe the 5 years i spend in high school have thought a lot of things...

He is now with another girl... I was angry at first.. But i dont know why after talking to the girl i am not angry anymore... I actually feel kinda good.... I dont feel that sad and grumpy anymore.... She is sweet i think... I dont really get to know her. Eventhough i hope i have the chance to...but i dont know the reason to that...

All i can feel and tell everyone around me now, is that i m so numb towards all the feelings around me. That i just want to stop at a moment and rest..... Well i hope he would treat her better this time and dont cheat on her again... For some reason, i dont feel that she deserve it...

I think i still like him but as the same way as i like one of my ex.... I noe it very clearly that they have just simply left a mark there in my heart. And thatz all i need to know. I wont and i will not ask for more...

Choices...

I should have known that the day i ask you to make that decision that this day would come. I am losing you. Actually to be specific, i am losing myself. I have choices to make now. But i am so scared that i will lose you.

1) I can walk away from all these and just continue to be who i am all this time. Dont care about anything or anyone and just be as selfish as i have always been. But i cant live with that. The pain and guilt is killing me.

2) I can leave and make it a clean break. Go on with my life with a brand new way. I dont know i can do it or not - and i bet it would be a long dark road ahead of me. A road that i have to walk myself and i am sure i would have a very hard time getting use to it. But if i leave i would hurt someone i love. Someone i care about very very much. Someone that i would willingly die for. Someone that have already taken away a part of me. At the same time i cant be so selfish to hurt someone innocent.

3) I can screw everything and everyone and take what i want. Dont care about what others think and just follow what my heart tells me now. But i cant let myself do that either. It would hurt lots of people and i cant be a stupid teenage girl anymore. I have to grow up and think before i do anything.

Human can be so vulnerable sometimes. We are so easy to get influence by something or someone. But whatever that influence is we are always the one that make the choices. Which makes no difference anyhow. I have a choice to make now. And it will change my life in some way. It just the matter of time when the changes will happen.....