"Hungover"

I fought with him last night, or should i say 4 in the morning. I am so worried about him. I keep wondering what is he thinking, what is he doing, is he sad, is he angry, is he suffering, is he feeling sick, is he... is he... is he...! So many questions running through my brain like a waterfall flowing down non stop. I wish he would tell me the truth about his feelings. I wish that last night didn't happened. I couldn't say who's fault was it, because both of us is kinda in the wrong. And the situation he is in just makes it worst. Whats more hurtful, is that now his brother and friends thinks i am bothering him all the time. Which i don't!

Waking up, knowing there is people thinking bad about you and your parents just start going crazy on you when you see them in the morning, is like waking up from a hungover. I am just so lifeless... Walking around without directions. My brain is about to explode due to millions of questions stuck in it. I am having a kind of feeling that i have no idea how to describe. Is like there is something draining out my soul from my body but i can't figure it out, what is it that is doing it! That feeling is so helpless. I know something is not right with me but i can't do anything to make it better....

M3 and my pathetic friendless life...

Every where i turn in my class, i see groups of people. There is Chinese group, Malay group, Indian group, emo group, smart group and etc... Then i realise something, i am sitting in the middle of all the groups. ALONE! All by myself. I have known that this would happen the moment i stepped into my class 2 months ago. I guess i have been denying it all this time. But now i realise i would never fit in to any of those groups. Not that i am picky. Is just that i am so crazy-weirdly-different from all of them. The way i see things, the way i speak, the way i through life, the things i do, the right and wrong i think, is just so different from all of them.

Its sad, you know... How i go to class alone, go back alone, at home alone again, go out only with my boyfriend. Is like i don't have a life at all. Even married woman don't do that! I have no friends to go shopping with, hang out, talk about silly stuff, sleepover and etc. All i do whole day at home is either sleep or online. I sound so BLOODY BORING!

Your time will come....

I suddenly have the urge of writing this post after going through her profile... You are SO FAKE! (I don't mean her... it is meant for someone else) How can you do this??? After so many times??? Don't you think you are the childish one??? WAIT! I ask the wrong question. It should be, do you have a heart made of stone??? Do you have any idea how many pain and agony she is going through??? All you think of is yourself. When you are not happy, you just walk away. When you are done playing ''outside'', you come back begging as if you have done nothing wrong.

You made those choices yourself. You choose her over me. You went back to her even after how many flings you have, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. You are in university now. Why can't you just settle down with her???

1. If you say she is childish then why go with her at the first place??? Don't start creating excuses that you don't know at the beginning. For God sake! You have been tormenting her feelings since she started form 1! You out of all people should have known better!

2. You told her that all you want to do now is to concentrate on your studies... For me those are all bulls*** talk! What are you doing in a club then???

3. You said what's over is over. Then why do you always come crawling back... S**KER!

4. STOP black mailing her! She is not your puppet! If you are so brave to say everything out, then go ahead! Why are you still hesitating??? Giving her a chance? CRAP! You are just as coward as ever! Deep down, you don't have any guts to do anything!

5. Lastly, you better stop while you can... Everything you do now would destroy you in the future. I have a very good feeling that you are going to suffer way more than what ever me and her have suffered.

P.S. To the ''she'', you have no idea what you are getting yourself into... I wish the best of luck to you...

True Friends????

I went to class this morning and i sat at the fifth row. (if i am not wrong) I was waiting for my friend T and another guy friend. I was waiting for quite sometime and they haven't arrive yet, so i went to the toilet. When i came back, they was sitting in front. But i just ignore it. When the class is over they never even bother to say hi or bye when see me. They just walk pass me. At that point, i just sat there and wonder ''Does everyone in this world dislike me??? What did i do??? Am i unfriendly or rude???''. Questions was pouring like waterfall in my head.

After i sign the attendance list, i walk out knowing that i would be alone after this. Wondering around campus or going library to pretend like i am studying so that i don't look so pathetic. To my surprise, when i push the door, my group members from yesterdays class was there waiting for me! They told me the others have something to do...so they have to leave first. I was shocked! WOW! There is actually someone waiting for me! They even accompany me to make my student ID smart card. Then we when to breakfast together at Plaza Siswa where we meet up with others and walk to class after that.

P.S. I hope this last.... (I sound so PATHETIC) It was like that for the first few days with T but now i just seem to be like a very very common friend where she only come for help....

I doubt myself....

He doubt me... I understand that. I doubt myself too. But i don't want to be doubt. Somehow i guess that won't happen. I would be doubt by him or others... Because of what i have done in my pass.... I don't know how to face him now. I am not answering his calls. I miss him very much. But i don't wanna talk to him. I miss his voice and hugs terribly but i don't wanna see him. There is a part in me that is so dominant of wanting to make him not doubt me anymore.... I want to prove to him. I am not to be doubt anymore. I don't want to see him. I want him to see me. To see what i am doing. To see what i am now, what i am going to be.... I don't want him to doubt me......

For YOU!

I have a friend. We know each other through my ex-boyfriend. He is a guy. We don't really speak to each other in the beginning. I mean my ex is kinda the...... guy..... Well you know what i mean. So i broke-up with my ex, ok wait, he broke-up with me and then me and this guy started to bond. We became great friend. He is very very smart. I am serious. Very smart. He is a little bit pathetic sometimes. Other than that, he has been a great friend. He would accompany me at night when i cant sleep or just for some stupid reasons. He can get mad just because i said sorry too many times. I did mistake. I should say sorry. But he would still scold me for it. He would stay up just to make sure i sleep early even if he have to work morning tomorrow. He listen to all my complains about who know what stupid things i am saying. And he never once stop me from doing that. When i am with my boyfriend, i don't really have time to sms or reply him. But he never once get mad on me. Maybe he is angry, he just never shows it. Anyway, me and my boyfriend is very glad that we have him as our friend.

I know you would be reading. And if you are, wait i mean you would. Then you should know that you are important. To me. You are great friend, a silly guy with a crazily crafted mind, and i would never want to lose you.

A partially broken friendship....

For a person that doesn't really believe in God. I am definitely being bless with lots of things. I don't know whether i should be happy or sad or frustrated or ANYTHING. She mean a lot to me. I have already almost lost a sister. I don't wish to lose another. Both of them have walk me through lots of crappy and silly stuff in my life. But i don't really care about how crappy and silly those moments are. I just remember that they are there. No matter what. Laughing, crying, hugging and even cursing together. Who cares what people think right?? When you have the most important people in your life holding your hands and walk you through it.

My elder sister is a great person. A bit temper of course. (who doesn't have) But she is still great. She might not have all the experience in life. And might not always know what to advice me when i come to her with the most weirdest and childish problem. But she is still there, just holding the phone and listen to me cry. Listen to me complain about my so-call-pathetic life. It just make me feel so stupid thinking back. Haha...

My little sister is a ....... CRAZY girl. Me and her have a more complicated relationship than me and my elder sister. We have been schoolmate since primary school. We are not really good friends then. Everything started at Form 3. She is not the most prefect sister. You might even have a huge headache talking to her sometimes. (she can eat your mind) Haha.... She might have also like some really unsuitable guys in the past. But that doesn't matter. No one is prefect. Not even me. I have made some really stupid mistake of mine too. The point is, she has been a really awesome sister to me. When i am sad, i call her, i will cry. But she don't give a damn. Nothing can make her stop saying silly things just to make me smile and laugh like hell. She would go at any length to make me not sane and just go crazy and remind me what my propose in life is. Live life to the fullest everyday.

Three of us have gone through many obstacle in our friendship. We sometimes get influence by what others says and we did something that hurt our friendship. A year ago, something very unpleasant happen. I am not blaming anyone for what that has happen.Because that would not do any good. The incident have shaken our friendship. And now it is partially broken. My elder sister is trying to find herself on her own. I respect that and i know we all have to go through that stage in our life somehow. My little sister, she is facing college. It is tough but i know she can hang in there. She will blend in. But that is also probably the most scariest thing i am facing right now. She will blend in. I don't want to say much. in case i offend anyone. I just wish history does not repeat the THIRD time....

P.S The comment really stunned me. It caught me off guard. I thought you know me. Out of all the people.....

A cut that never seem to heal.....

I am sad. Deep in me i am hurt by what you have done. But it does not matter to you anymore. I am no one to you. Not even a friend. That is how you are. Maybe i did do mistake and be selfish about us. But i cannot think of a reasonable reason why are you acting this way towards me. All the words.... Now you are saying to her. I am not jealous. I just dont understand how you move on so fast. If you say i did the same to you, then you are wrong. I never say i love you more than a friend. I like you. When i am with you, i have always been truthful. I guess you just dont see it in your eyes. I dont blame you. A girl like me is very hard to trust. I never make my choice from what "THE MARKET" is offering. I make my choice from my heart. And i love him. That is why i am with him. I am very happy that you found someone. At least you are cheerful again. I guess me and you are just like that, friend, no friend, friend again and finally no friend. I just want you to know that i treasure you alot. More than other people think i should. You would always be my friend no matter what happen. Finally, I AM SORRY!

A post that meant to be for myself....

I am not saying that no one understand what i am going through.... But understanding and being on the spot is two very different thing... My brain and my everything is craving for attention now... I want attention surround me non-stop.... And those attention would lead to hurt for other people... I should not be jealous. In fact i have no rights to be jealous... If i really am jealous, then i should better isolate myself from the world... From everything!!!! But i cant. I cant stop seeking for attention that i dont deserve... That was not mine to have... How do i stop??? I wanna blame someone for all the mess i am creating here... But i cant. Because it is no one's fault. It is just my own stinking rubbish... A huge pile of rubbish in my head that i cant seem to get rid off... I wanna quit my job, run up to KL and work for my aunt, hide up there as long as possible while waiting for college to start. Finally get into college and settle down. Throw myself into a pile of homework or whatever assignment. Maybe that time all the books could help my get through this stupid and pathetic stage in my life... And again, i cant. I have made a commitment that i would work till the end of April. If i quit now, i would create a lot of trouble. Running up to KL is not going to solve anything at all. I probably create more mess-up situations. Sigh* Why dont i have a brain that work properly??? A brain, body and heart that communicate in a directly proportional way???

F myself!!!!!!!!!!

Do i still mind??? Why do i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see those pictures??? I am really confused... Why can i get over every great guy i have ever been with but not this jerk??? Why do my heart still ache everytime i think of him??? I wanna cry... I really wanna cry... But my tears just wouldnt come out... I want to cry so much... So badly... I want my eyes to ache.... I want to shout out loud!!!! I wanna lose my voice... I want to look him in the eyes and tell him, he is a jerk.... I want to yell at him!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The Walk"

I know being in love probably would be the greatest feeling in the world... I would really wish i could feel it some day... But i am very sure i hope that day dont come anytime soon... I have to take a walk with myself first before i could take someone along with me... I would walk with someone one day... But that day would be a long wait... All i cant do now is to try my very best to finish this walk of mine first and on the way not to get tempted by anything around me... I need to know my strength.....

Now my first priority is to stay working as long as i could. Get into college. Settle down. And then i might think about it... Think about what i am going to do next....

M i happy????

M i happy??? Hmm.... Very good question.... How should i answer???? Haha wait! Its how WOULD i answer.

A) I am very happy!!! Because i should be.... I have lots of things others dont. Even something is missing but i should cherish everything i have....

B) I am ok with my life... Its starting to settle down now... For the 1st time in my life i am actually feeling good about whatever i am doing now... I actually think twice... Haha... That have never happen, and not in my life i ever thought it would happen. But it is happening now and i am very happy about it.

C) I am not happy.... My life sucks.... Everyone dont understand me... I am so lonely. No one wants me....

My answer : B!!!!!!

P.S I feel so fake writing C... Its so not me... I was never like that and never will be... OK.... maybe i was once... But i was really having a hard time. Now and in the future i would never ever say that again because its just so..........NOT ME!!!!! Hahaha.....

Triumph That Hurts!

Triumph is usually something happy to celebrate about... But what if the triumph that you get is by cheating and lying your way through everything to get it... Does it have meaning anymore if thinking it back??? Should the winner be smiling or sobbing??? Should he/she be proud or ashamed of their winning??? Come to think of it... Is winning that important??? If by being a winner hurts the people you love and most importantly people that love you, izzit still worth it??? How can a person define triumph in a way that no one would get hurt??? In a war, either one of the opponent wins there will always still be blood pouring. In a relationship, if you finally get to be with the person you love, there will still always be someone else that love that person crying off the pain of losing.... In examination, being the 1st in class is a winning that everyone dream for... but there again will always be someone crying for their lost.

I have been a very selfish and manipulative person... Wait! I still am. I have always lie and cheat my way to getting what i want... It sometimes matter to me how others feel but usually i am just so blinded by all the things that i would get that i forget how it would hurts anymore. The most ashamed action that i have ever made in my life is not lying to the people i love. Its lying to the people that loves me... Because i dont deserve any of their loves... With all the things i have done, i should be left alone all by myself to suffer for my actions. My addictions to winning is so strong that now when i sit down and think about it... It does not even make any sense to me anymore.... Cuz the funny thing is, are those even winnings???? If those are, then where is all the medals and trophys??? I dont see any... I dont think i even have any. If i do i should throw and burn all of it. Cuz there is nothing proud to be showing them off.

The truth is i have always been the loser... I have lost the trust of many people and friends... I have lost so many things just to get one... So i am the loser... A blind loser.... An addict...

Dissapointed....

I guess i should have known what her choice would be.... I have been very stupid to get myself tangle up in all this for nothing... I have made him a enemy.... Everyone around me calling me stupid for doing that for her... She is just a girl i have never known in my life... Why must i care so much???? Stupid me...!!!! What was i thinking??? Trying to safe her??? Who am i to be that noble???? I should have let it be... I should have stand my ground like how i have choose to do at first. I should have stay away when he warn me to.

P.S Mei...(if you still treat me as a jie la) i know you have made your choice. I will be honest... I am dissapointed and very unhappy about your choice. But as i promise, whatever you choose i will support you and i wont break my promise. Just try to be more careful and if you have faith in yourself that you can change him, then good luck....

Regrets...

I am very very upset... I just dont feel good the whole day... So fustrated about everything.... My heart dont feel right... Like something its about to go very wrong... But i know i have to be ready somehow.... Haiz... Why did i ever choose to get tangle up??? He is so right i will regret after telling her everything....

I got this from a book.... (John Connolly_The Unquiet)

This world is full of broken things: broken hearts, broken promises, broken people. This world, too, is a fragile construct, a honeycomb place where the past leaches into the present, where the weight of blood guilt and old sins causes lives to collapse and forces children to lie with the remains of their fathers in the tangled ruins of the aftermath.
I am broken, and i have broken in return. Now i wonder how much hurt can be visited upon others before the universe takes action, before some outside force decides that enough has been endured. I once thought that it was a question of balance, but i no longer believe that. I think that what i have done was out of all proportion to what was done to me, but that is the nature of revenge. It escalates. It cannot be controlled. One hurt invites another, on and on until the original injury is all but forgotten in the chaos of what follows.
I was a revenger once. I will be one no more.
But this world is full of broken things.

OMG!!!

Crazy crazy crazy..... I am sms-ing her everyday.... So hard for me to put every words in the message for her to understand.... I cant tell her who he really is... but is so hard... I got no idea why i care so much about her.... I havent even spoke to her in person before. (except hi) Good god, what on earth am i doing?????

OMG!!!! My blog is so bloody pathetic.....

Choices...

I should have known that the day i ask you to make that decision that this day would come. I am losing you. Actually to be specific, i am losing myself. I have choices to make now. But i am so scared that i will lose you.

1) I can walk away from all these and just continue to be who i am all this time. Dont care about anything or anyone and just be as selfish as i have always been. But i cant live with that. The pain and guilt is killing me.

2) I can leave and make it a clean break. Go on with my life with a brand new way. I dont know i can do it or not - and i bet it would be a long dark road ahead of me. A road that i have to walk myself and i am sure i would have a very hard time getting use to it. But if i leave i would hurt someone i love. Someone i care about very very much. Someone that i would willingly die for. Someone that have already taken away a part of me. At the same time i cant be so selfish to hurt someone innocent.

3) I can screw everything and everyone and take what i want. Dont care about what others think and just follow what my heart tells me now. But i cant let myself do that either. It would hurt lots of people and i cant be a stupid teenage girl anymore. I have to grow up and think before i do anything.

Human can be so vulnerable sometimes. We are so easy to get influence by something or someone. But whatever that influence is we are always the one that make the choices. Which makes no difference anyhow. I have a choice to make now. And it will change my life in some way. It just the matter of time when the changes will happen.....

Finding myself....

I am lost... Stuck.... Pretty pathetic i think... This whole month i have been trying to run away from all the problems i m facing.... Juz sitting at home everyday reading... It keeps me calm and have a clear mind to think... But of course running and avoiding is not the best solution... Surprisingly this whole month of running and avoiding, i have people coming up to me to tell me their problems... Haha kinda funny huh??? Me running away from my own problems but i let myself get tangle up on others.

I love books. There is one book that most of the people on earth should know. Unless you have been living under a cave or something. In the book, DaVinci Code, i agree with a sentence that say something like this "people choose to believe, see and hear what they want". This sentence have many other meanings in it. It shows that in every sense, there is no right or wrong. There is just choices which we will be making.

I live my life believing that two people from two different world can always be together. I did not take up this believes from any books or movies i have seen. Its just me. Original thinking. Many people disagree with me. But i somehow still stick to my believes.

I just read one of my friend's blog. I dont know how 2 respond. Maybe i am just too numb to feel anything and how to respond. I wish i could find someone that would care, understand and love me too. But for me i hope that one day i would finally know that i am in love... In all the time in my high school life, i have been jumping into relationships and jumping to conclusions that i love them. But truly i dont have a clue. I might afraid to lose them, i might cry days for them, my heart might jump fast when they talk to me. But when i look back now, i cant say i m in love even for once. If any of my exes reads this, i m sorry. I have been dishonest to you guys and myself all this time and i guess i am just too tired to hide anymore.

Just starting....

I am 17. My friends says that I am a bit more matured than they are. I ask them why. They tell me that is because I have been through more than a regular teenage girl in my country should. But I do not understand that. I have been through break-ups, emotional breakdown, split personality, cheated, backstabed, betrayed and etc. Those are the things I have been through for the pass 4 years in high school (not including this year). Now the girl I see each morning staring back at me in the mirror seem like a prefectly normal teenage girl. In school, I have heard enough rumors that makes ears go deaf. Throughout the 4 years I have learned to walk away each time my friends tries to tell me what are the rumors about me that are spreading. Now and then there would be girls that are younger than me or a friend that I am not really close to coming up to me and asked "Don't you feel stupid and ashamed of what you have done in the pass?" and each time i would answer them "No I am not. I am not saying I am proud of what I did, I am just not ashamed of it." because those are the things that make me who I am today......

I do not know who will read this post. What I know is whoever read this will judge. And its ok. Because everyone judge. Including me..... So feel free to judge cause in the end we are still human.