Choices...

I should have known that the day i ask you to make that decision that this day would come. I am losing you. Actually to be specific, i am losing myself. I have choices to make now. But i am so scared that i will lose you.

1) I can walk away from all these and just continue to be who i am all this time. Dont care about anything or anyone and just be as selfish as i have always been. But i cant live with that. The pain and guilt is killing me.

2) I can leave and make it a clean break. Go on with my life with a brand new way. I dont know i can do it or not - and i bet it would be a long dark road ahead of me. A road that i have to walk myself and i am sure i would have a very hard time getting use to it. But if i leave i would hurt someone i love. Someone i care about very very much. Someone that i would willingly die for. Someone that have already taken away a part of me. At the same time i cant be so selfish to hurt someone innocent.

3) I can screw everything and everyone and take what i want. Dont care about what others think and just follow what my heart tells me now. But i cant let myself do that either. It would hurt lots of people and i cant be a stupid teenage girl anymore. I have to grow up and think before i do anything.

Human can be so vulnerable sometimes. We are so easy to get influence by something or someone. But whatever that influence is we are always the one that make the choices. Which makes no difference anyhow. I have a choice to make now. And it will change my life in some way. It just the matter of time when the changes will happen.....

Finding myself....

I am lost... Stuck.... Pretty pathetic i think... This whole month i have been trying to run away from all the problems i m facing.... Juz sitting at home everyday reading... It keeps me calm and have a clear mind to think... But of course running and avoiding is not the best solution... Surprisingly this whole month of running and avoiding, i have people coming up to me to tell me their problems... Haha kinda funny huh??? Me running away from my own problems but i let myself get tangle up on others.

I love books. There is one book that most of the people on earth should know. Unless you have been living under a cave or something. In the book, DaVinci Code, i agree with a sentence that say something like this "people choose to believe, see and hear what they want". This sentence have many other meanings in it. It shows that in every sense, there is no right or wrong. There is just choices which we will be making.

I live my life believing that two people from two different world can always be together. I did not take up this believes from any books or movies i have seen. Its just me. Original thinking. Many people disagree with me. But i somehow still stick to my believes.

I just read one of my friend's blog. I dont know how 2 respond. Maybe i am just too numb to feel anything and how to respond. I wish i could find someone that would care, understand and love me too. But for me i hope that one day i would finally know that i am in love... In all the time in my high school life, i have been jumping into relationships and jumping to conclusions that i love them. But truly i dont have a clue. I might afraid to lose them, i might cry days for them, my heart might jump fast when they talk to me. But when i look back now, i cant say i m in love even for once. If any of my exes reads this, i m sorry. I have been dishonest to you guys and myself all this time and i guess i am just too tired to hide anymore.

Just starting....

I am 17. My friends says that I am a bit more matured than they are. I ask them why. They tell me that is because I have been through more than a regular teenage girl in my country should. But I do not understand that. I have been through break-ups, emotional breakdown, split personality, cheated, backstabed, betrayed and etc. Those are the things I have been through for the pass 4 years in high school (not including this year). Now the girl I see each morning staring back at me in the mirror seem like a prefectly normal teenage girl. In school, I have heard enough rumors that makes ears go deaf. Throughout the 4 years I have learned to walk away each time my friends tries to tell me what are the rumors about me that are spreading. Now and then there would be girls that are younger than me or a friend that I am not really close to coming up to me and asked "Don't you feel stupid and ashamed of what you have done in the pass?" and each time i would answer them "No I am not. I am not saying I am proud of what I did, I am just not ashamed of it." because those are the things that make me who I am today......

I do not know who will read this post. What I know is whoever read this will judge. And its ok. Because everyone judge. Including me..... So feel free to judge cause in the end we are still human.