My diploma years is coming to an end... Entering a new phase in life! I wonder would I make the right decision. Life has been confusing so far. I know that I no longer have the rights to say that. I am somehow already in my 20's. Saying that seem silly. Can't help it. I am that confuse.

So many questions, so little answers. For some, I do not dare to seek for it. Others, I merely let it pass me by... Too coward of me.

I keep saying people need to grow up. But I do not dare say that I am already grown up. For me, it is too big of a word. It might just eat me alive together with my ego. Time would make me realize someday. Question is...should I wait and do I have the time to wait... #lifeshard

I won't say my goodbyes

I heard my heart shattered today. I knew this would be the last. It will never be mend again. Somehow I don't mind it to be a cycle, because I know at least there is still love...

I don't pray for her to find her way. I have no rights to say she is lost. Just pray that God would keep her safe and take care of her. Which is something that I can no longer do.

I know I am not much of a good friend to her. I apologies for that. But I would stand my ground for things that I did not do wrong. In which, I believe that she would come to understand it one day.

I will not say my goodbyes to any of 'her'. I no reason too. I always think that Blair is stupid. No matter what Serena does to her. She forgives. Somehow again, I believe that all three of us are the same. We just all need different time to adapt.

Both of you will do great. That is how both of you are. And always will be... I won't disappear. I won't run. I won't be in denial. I won't avoid. I would just be here. Then again, I start wondering...does it matter?

20

I had a fantasy from the day I met you. I never run wild till I was sure. I remember staring at you across the lab. At that moment I was certain about a few things... I was 17.

1) I am going to be with that guy.
2) I love him.
3) I know he loves me.

Now,

1) We love each other.
2) I am going to marry him.
3) He is not yet the man he could be...

My question to myself now is, what am I willing to give up?

How was the 1st day of my training?

It was....kinda boring/good... Don't really have any word for it. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day. I am extremely sleepy though... Make that very sleepy.

Good night, God. And world!

Untitled

I have to admit, I do miss those times. Times where I could yell at him the whole day, smack him every time he says something wrong and the day I gave him Lenny. It is weird how things turn out between us. Part of me am so glad but another is full of guilt. Maybe because he is special. Different from the others.

Different. Love you, Lenny's owner.

I am so angry and sad! The worst thing is, I do not know what is causing it. I am angry at everything!

I don't wanna stay home. I have no money. There is no where I wanna go. I am just lost in the sea of cars. Trap in traffic jam would probably be the best part about all this. It is the only time where I have an excuse to not face reality and say, "I am trap between cars. I have no where to turn."

I don't feel like meeting anyone or talk to anyone. I secretly wish that I am sick and there is people to take care of me. But even if I am. No 1 would. *exclude my mum.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that horrible at being a human. Does that means I would be worse being dead?

It suck to feel only anger and not hatred. Sadness but nothing to be sad about.

Past...Present...Future

A year ago, I would say, "Ok, this is happening."


A year before that, I would say, "OMG! Is this really happening?! I can't believe it! I have to tell .......... *my bitches " >.<


A week ago ~ "This is getting out of hand. It feels untrue. Am I suppose to slap myself back into reality or just slap myself?! Or is this REALITY?!" *FREAK OUT!!!!


60 minutes before now ~ "I am afraid. I can't make myself not be. It is just there. No matter how hard I try, it just don't go away!" *long pause "I should chill. He is talking to me. Next to me. Telling me that he loves me. I should chill." "I CAN'T CHILL?! The more convince I am that he loves me, the more impossible it is for me to CHILL!" *its too good to be true


Now. ~ *still doesn't have the answer to all of my questions


Future. ~ Still would be fill with doubts by others. But does it matter?