Guilt and anger

I am very very very sorry.... I know you might not believe me but i really did wanted to buy you that awesome converse shoe.... Its so nice.... I feel so damn guilty...

Stop scolding her like that la.... Everyone have different way in looking at matters... So why do you get so piss up by the way she thinks.... Both of you are not wrong.... Its just different way of thinking... Stop bickering ok... For my sake please....

Pain that i should feel?????

Everyone is irritated.... YEAH!!!! What a great news???!!! I can finally get rid of him....

I guess those are the words that i would say 6 months ago... Now i am just so confused and stuck in between all my thoughts. He is a great friend. But i guess everyone around me just see me as using him. M i??? Maybe i am.... He said something to me that day that makes me wonder for myself... He said "Everyone is too close to you, you have never really trully lose someone you love". Come to think of it, i have to agree with him that is kinda true. But how would i ever learn and know how it feels?? I cant just ask someone i love to leave me.... I WONT!!! That is just plain stupid! I am not saying i m so eager for someone i love to leave me just for me to feel that way... Dont get me wrong...

Haiz....i think i should just let thing flow... Go its own way... Eventually things will fall into places.... A part of my heart wish that i would not have to learn how it feels.... But there will always be a day.....

CNY eve

Chinese New Year eve.... Hehe....Now only want clean my room.... Everyday busy working.... Going crazy soon o..... Everyone is coming back.... From KL, NS, Germany, Singapore...... All over the world.... Me... sob sob in Melaka, not going anywhere. Stay in my room, blogging and listening to songs... Dancing like 'siao cha bo' hahaha.....

I wonder what should i wear later to dinner.... Hmm.....

A Lonely Road To No Where

Walking down a lone road,
Wondering would i see an angel,
Tell me what can you see,
Tell me what can you hear,

Thinking back to those words you said,
Makes tears stain on my pillow,
Hoping that it has never happen before,

Come back and tell me this is not real,
Hold me and tell me that you have never left,
Bring my heart back to where it belongs,
Whisper to me the promises you've made,
Pull me away from the cliff,
Cuz without you,
There is just an empty road ahead,

Staring at the mail box each day,
Even though it has no you,
Bluffing myself everyday,
To make sure i don't lose it,

Come back and tell me this is not real,
Hold me and tell me that you have never left,
Bring my heart back to where it belongs,
Whisper to me the promises you've made,
Pull me away from the cliff,
Cuz without you,
There is just an empty road ahead,

Thinking back to those words you said,
Makes tears stain on my pillow,
Hoping that it has never happen before....

Dissapointed....

I guess i should have known what her choice would be.... I have been very stupid to get myself tangle up in all this for nothing... I have made him a enemy.... Everyone around me calling me stupid for doing that for her... She is just a girl i have never known in my life... Why must i care so much???? Stupid me...!!!! What was i thinking??? Trying to safe her??? Who am i to be that noble???? I should have let it be... I should have stand my ground like how i have choose to do at first. I should have stay away when he warn me to.

P.S Mei...(if you still treat me as a jie la) i know you have made your choice. I will be honest... I am dissapointed and very unhappy about your choice. But as i promise, whatever you choose i will support you and i wont break my promise. Just try to be more careful and if you have faith in yourself that you can change him, then good luck....

Regrets...

I am very very upset... I just dont feel good the whole day... So fustrated about everything.... My heart dont feel right... Like something its about to go very wrong... But i know i have to be ready somehow.... Haiz... Why did i ever choose to get tangle up??? He is so right i will regret after telling her everything....

I got this from a book.... (John Connolly_The Unquiet)

This world is full of broken things: broken hearts, broken promises, broken people. This world, too, is a fragile construct, a honeycomb place where the past leaches into the present, where the weight of blood guilt and old sins causes lives to collapse and forces children to lie with the remains of their fathers in the tangled ruins of the aftermath.
I am broken, and i have broken in return. Now i wonder how much hurt can be visited upon others before the universe takes action, before some outside force decides that enough has been endured. I once thought that it was a question of balance, but i no longer believe that. I think that what i have done was out of all proportion to what was done to me, but that is the nature of revenge. It escalates. It cannot be controlled. One hurt invites another, on and on until the original injury is all but forgotten in the chaos of what follows.
I was a revenger once. I will be one no more.
But this world is full of broken things.

I did it....

I told her everything.... I dont feel bad... I just dont understand why does she still need to think about breaking up with him or not... ITS BEEN 6 FREAKING TIMES!!!!!!!! How could anyone possibly stand it???? I know i have no rights to say or ask you to make any decision. But isnt obvious enough that he is an idiot????? As i have said...its all your choice.... Haiz.......

So so so piss off now... I dont feel ashamed of being played by him... I feel so ashamed because i have such an idiot ex like him.... I am so angry and fustrated i dont even know what i wanna write anymore....

To : My mei mei

Ok... if you are reading this... I hope you dont get mad...

He is not who you think he is... he might look ok and different but there is something hidden that you cant see unless he shows it to you... But i hope you will never find out... Its not pretty... Its very much better if you dont see it... My past with him is very complicated... You might understand it one day...but i am sorry the day its not coming anytime soon... If you ever found out anything unplesent i am very sorry.... I just want to tell you that i am always here... Oh god...please take care...

OMG!!!

Crazy crazy crazy..... I am sms-ing her everyday.... So hard for me to put every words in the message for her to understand.... I cant tell her who he really is... but is so hard... I got no idea why i care so much about her.... I havent even spoke to her in person before. (except hi) Good god, what on earth am i doing?????

OMG!!!! My blog is so bloody pathetic.....

Brand new start!

Lol..... going work at 1.20... So sienz...everyday need to work. Yeah...going for my nail appointment at 23rd Jan... Finally my mum allow. Lol i sound so kiddy...Hehe... Enjoying life to the fullest now...Damn fun!!!! Looking forward to every brand new day...College getting so near.... Everything is going to be great...

A great hair cut...whole new set of clothes...awesome nails...HOT bikini...money coming soon... I m so hitting d beach soon... CNY ROX!!!!!! Getting a new cupboard too... My books are looking like hills now... Love my books... Haha... Getting more soon. Reading...blogging...working...studying... and most important... HAVE FUN!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!

Crazy thinking of mine....

I have choose to keep my mouth shut.... Its non of my business anyway... She is old enough to learn the lesson herself... As for him, i dont really care... I just dont know why i have that sudden closeness to her...is like i suddenly have a little sister of my own... I dont want to see her get hurt but i cant tell her what is going on... Firstly, she would not believe me...n second i know he will twist it around back to my fault... So i am going to stand my ground and do nothing.... All i can do now is pray hard she dont get hurt so badly.... Dont get me wrong. I dont pity her... I just feel like i am looking at a reflection of myself.... It make me feel so stupid but i never regret a moment of it... Haha.... Crazy me...

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Woo Hoo....!!!! 3 months to be as selfish as i can... So sick... After so long, always thinking about others feelings before mine... I know is bad but i am just so sick of caring so much already... As for my little sister, missing you so much... My big sister...love you always.... Both of you are the only people i would never ever in my life hurt....

Dont worry....not forgeting you la my dear....three of you are very important to me... Dont angry k.... Hehe...

Moving on...

For a week, i have been thinking about what a loser i am. Losing to a 16 year old girl. Its killing me... Sobbing and torturing myself every minutes with the thought of what that has happen... Now that things has gone better. I start to think more clearly. Thinking it another way... I have never lost neither i have ever win... I just simply move on with my life... Eventhough we are still friends... I dont know how i would keep this up. What i know is that i have learn 2 be brave enough to face whatever that will be waiting for me... Because i believe the 5 years i spend in high school have thought a lot of things...

He is now with another girl... I was angry at first.. But i dont know why after talking to the girl i am not angry anymore... I actually feel kinda good.... I dont feel that sad and grumpy anymore.... She is sweet i think... I dont really get to know her. Eventhough i hope i have the chance to...but i dont know the reason to that...

All i can feel and tell everyone around me now, is that i m so numb towards all the feelings around me. That i just want to stop at a moment and rest..... Well i hope he would treat her better this time and dont cheat on her again... For some reason, i dont feel that she deserve it...

I think i still like him but as the same way as i like one of my ex.... I noe it very clearly that they have just simply left a mark there in my heart. And thatz all i need to know. I wont and i will not ask for more...

Stuck!

Crap...I m so piss at myself for caring and thinking about it so much... Why cant i just leave it and move on??? Itz not that hard... I just need 2 put a foot in front and take all my courage and continue moving forward... Its so weird.. Me working almost everyday but somehow there will be a moment i will stare into blank space and start thinking about it again... Haiz.....

Another he... always there asking me to move on... I want to listen. I try to listen. And i have put all my effort in doing it... He just dont seem to see it. But i m just to lazy to explain anymore..