I am so angry and sad! The worst thing is, I do not know what is causing it. I am angry at everything!

I don't wanna stay home. I have no money. There is no where I wanna go. I am just lost in the sea of cars. Trap in traffic jam would probably be the best part about all this. It is the only time where I have an excuse to not face reality and say, "I am trap between cars. I have no where to turn."

I don't feel like meeting anyone or talk to anyone. I secretly wish that I am sick and there is people to take care of me. But even if I am. No 1 would. *exclude my mum.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that horrible at being a human. Does that means I would be worse being dead?

It suck to feel only anger and not hatred. Sadness but nothing to be sad about.

Past...Present...Future

A year ago, I would say, "Ok, this is happening."


A year before that, I would say, "OMG! Is this really happening?! I can't believe it! I have to tell .......... *my bitches " >.<


A week ago ~ "This is getting out of hand. It feels untrue. Am I suppose to slap myself back into reality or just slap myself?! Or is this REALITY?!" *FREAK OUT!!!!


60 minutes before now ~ "I am afraid. I can't make myself not be. It is just there. No matter how hard I try, it just don't go away!" *long pause "I should chill. He is talking to me. Next to me. Telling me that he loves me. I should chill." "I CAN'T CHILL?! The more convince I am that he loves me, the more impossible it is for me to CHILL!" *its too good to be true


Now. ~ *still doesn't have the answer to all of my questions


Future. ~ Still would be fill with doubts by others. But does it matter?

My impulsive mind is telling me to FUCK LIFE. I do not like the fact that my blog post are always emo. But I only write when I am emo. When I am happy, I just laugh! Having horrible feelings creeping inside me. I feel pain. Cuts. Everything emo. >.<

So this is how it is.

I hate my mind. I hate me.

Bits and pieces...

Occasionally, my past sneaks in and poke me a little. It is like it never wants me to forget. It doesn't bother me that much any more. Still. It always caught me off guard. What can I do right? I was the one that created it...

Sometimes, it makes me feel like there is no way that I could ever start over. Have a new beginning. Different life... People from my past doesn't seem to want to let go. They pass on the stories, the rumours and the lies to the people in my present. I consider myself lucky though. They might not understand, but they respect and accept. That is something that certain people from my past couldn't do. It does not really matter whether have I done anything to them or not. What matters to them, is what they have seen and heard. They never really know the truth. Even knowing now wouldn't change anything...

I am different but I am not different. I am abnormal but I am normal.

Just one question; What gives you the right to hate someone, when you don't even know them?

This is NOT who I am. This is what I WANT to be.

There are several people that I care about in my life that always makes me want to stab myself in the heart when I am trying to talk some sense into them. They make me so frustrated and mad and helpless! They make me feel AWFUL! Dave told me once, that he can't stand people that don't know what they are doing but are still doing it, even though other people have told them it is not right. He said that he prefer people that still do what they want to do even though they know its wrong. Because at least they have a clear conscious of what they are doing.

I DISAGREE! People that don't know what they are doing still have hope in finding out the crack. They still have hope. They still can be help. As for people that know what they are doing but still go on living their everyday life doing SHITS that they think is right, well... They are the most hopeless and pathetic ones.

I always use the sentence " This is who I am. This is how I do it." It is not wrong to use it, but we used it so often that we have unconsciously glued our self to the stupid fact that THIS IS WHO WE ARE. It makes us stop growing as a person. Stop opening up our heart and eyes to see the world. To evaluate matters. To accept people. Differently. We prisoned our self!

I was one of the victim too. Everyone around you is telling you to be who you are. Be yourself. There is a deeper meaning to that sentence. It is not just about being who you are now, it is about being who you want yourself to be! It is about making decision based on who you want to be.

Julie's quote...

It is 24 March 2010. The clock is about to strike 5pm. I am sitting on my bed and just finished watching Julia & Julie AGAIN! It is amazing how a movie can affect some one's life. In these case, the 2 hours 3 minutes 24 seconds movie has officially made me see something in my life.

I may not have the will power to stuck myself in front of the stove to cook a delightful and delicious meal. That does not mean I don't have passion for something else. Although I do hope to have the cooking passion, but sad to say... I don't. When Julie said, quote "So I will cook my way through Julia Child's cook book and write a blog about it but I would probably need a deadline. Because otherwise, it would be like everything else I do. Lets face it, I'd finished anything." That quote applies to me in every way! Cut out a few words, replacing them with my words. It is a perfect way to describe my life.

Yet, she did it! She did "the impossible"! She proved to herself that she can. Watching her almost made me felt her happiness in me. That feeling of achieving something you are passionate about and even knowing it seem to you, it is impossible. But you did it! That feeling is irreplaceable! Now it made me feel like sticking my head into something I am passionate about and make sure I accomplish my goal! Challenge myself to something that will change my life!

So there you had it, I am on a journey in finding my passion in life and pursuing it in whatever mean possible! Wish me luck! ^_^

Pretty-damn-weird-kick-ass LIFE!

One thing that I love about my life is that I never know what is going to happen the next second. A friend of mine name David Woon, once told me that I have a lot of interesting people around me. (he is still reminding me that every time I have a new story to tell) At that moment, I wasn't convince. Sure, I have been telling pretty bazaar stories to him. Yet, I am not convince. But as I go more and more into my stories, I realise I do have a lot of interesting people around me. Those people, some just magically appeared in my life, some I welcomed them, some I pursued them and some are just meant to be. So when I am sitting at home and everyone thinks I am a loner and doesn't like socialising. Well, to those that know me, they know I have a pretty-damn-hell-weird-kick-ass LIFE!

P.S. Thanks, David. You showed me what a life I have all this while, that I have been over-shadowing it with all my pathetic-lame excuse about how boring life can be.

P.S.S. David, you have become on of those interesting people...

Little creature!

I got a call last night from a very odd friend. She called me and told me that kissed a random stranger last weekend. I have never imagine before that I would be the one she called after such adventurous moment in her life. (I mean what can I say, she is kinda in a relationship) But somehow, I was flattered. I know it is not a monumental thing but still, it makes me feel that she wants me in her life.

When she going on about how it happened, I was actually imagining myself doing it. It has always occur to me that I am that kind of person that would do something like that. Instead of what I am doing now. Home almost 24/7 - class. No movie night, no late night supper with friends, no shopping spree with "girls" and those other crazy stuff. I secretly wish I would have her courage to do what she have done and more, but I guess that just isn't me. It is just what I want to be. Like a little rebellious creature trap in my mind wanting to get out, but little did I know, that creature is comfortable at where she is.

I don't think its right but at the same time, it makes perfect sense. So I told her, I don't encourage it BUT I was happy she did it!

P.S. Sometimes, doing something wrong might just lead you to the right path...

I need strangers...

It has been like what??? A month??? I don't actually have an adventurous life. So months pass by as if there is nothing different in the air. I used to blog about my problems... Then one day I realise my problems are getting more private than they used to be. This suck big time! Blogging was the was I release most of my frustration, anger, sadness and all the possible emotion humans can feel... But I can't do that no more. I can only tell people that I am sad but not why. I can only tell people that I am angry but not who made me. I can only tell people that I am frustrated but not what or who have cause it.

Ever felt like just walking up to a total stranger who have no idea who you are and just tell him/her everything?! I have felt that way! I was lying on my bed one night, staring up on my fan and wonder, can I just randomly type a message and send it to a unknown number. Can I then tell him/her everything??? I almost did it, but I was too much of a coward to make it happen.

I have a urge wanting to create another blog account that non of my friends will know about. Then, I can at least release everything there. Even though there might be no one reading it, but still, at least I feel much better after pouring my feelings out... Maybe that is what I should do... Writing to strangers...

Monday bliss...

Its Monday! I don't know why no matter how I try to make Monday sound nice and cheerful, it will never be... I feel sorry for Monday... Anyway, I had fun today/night. Its been long since the last time I went out with my boyfriend. Miss him lots! Finally got my hand on Domo!

P.S. At last after a very long wait (I am lying), I finally got to meet FUR-BALL! I hope I could get a nice picture of him soon.... Will upload it ASAP!

UNDER PROBATION!

Have you ever tried waking up staring at your computer screen and couldn't believe what you are looking at and wondering should you go hang yourself on the spot or just go back to sleep? In my case, I was leading to the sleeping zone but I did not manage to put my head back down to my pillow due to increasing death thoughts in my mind. So physically I was heading to sleep but mentally I was secretly hoping for death.

My result is bad.... REAL BAD! It is so bad that I am under probation. (the price I have to pay for enjoying in Genting) Now I have to drop two subject out of the 6 I am suppose to be taking this trimester. Will I end up graduating later than the rest of my classmates??? (not including Joyesh ~i hope) This SUCK! Worst of all is that I have no 1 to blame but myself! WHY!!!???? Why am I so dumb????!!!

Entering afternoon did not make my day better. I have to sit through Financial Accounting class under serious heat. There is no air-condition and there is only 1 stupid stand fan that doesn't turn. Thank goodness it ended in an hour. Went to SPB trying to bump into David but unsuccessful. Since I am currently out of credit, I couldn't contact him. I have to get my credit, and to students of MMU, they know that the only place to get credit in MMU is at Plaza Siswa using that stupid Kodak machine. (you will know why I call it stupid soon) It has always been a stupid machine but today it might just reach it maximum point of stupidity. We are suppose to get a receipt after we put in the money and done all the other procedures. For me today, I did not get mine! Why am I so mad over a receipt is because the top-up code is suppose to be on that receipt! Then I kind of trick a guy in buying a top-up without telling him my story. I know I shouldn't have done that but I can't help it. I was hot and sweating and wondering whether is there class or not later and my result and under probation. To be short, I was under tremendous stress! So there you go, I have cause that guy a RM 10 top-up. Although I have to say I don't feel guilty at all.

A long-lost post...

As much as I want to deny all facts that is hurling towards me. I can't. It is too true. Too real. It has always been this way actually. Or maybe it is just the after effect from the last incident. We have moved on, but for some people, they might still be caught up in the past. It is sad to admit that we are losing something. Something or someone that used to be so important in our life is basically tearing up our heart.

My mind is telling me, I don't know this stranger standing in front of me. Whereas my heart keep telling me to say hi, hug each other, talk and all sort of things a person would do when they meet or see a long lost someone in their life. I have tried. It is just not the same any more. There is like a sign asking me to move on. It is not going to be the same again. No matter how hard I try to be normal about the whole thing, it just keep showing me horrid images of how this is going to end.

Budak sesat kat bandar besar_Part 2

Hello! I am back! To tell you about my very "sua ku" story of me being in KL. Lets just start off from where I stop on the previous post.

To be honest, Euphoria, eh.....! Not what I expected, truth, I don't actually know what to expect. I have never technically step into a club before. But Euphoria does make Melaka's clubs look very awful. Lucky for us, its ladies night, so free entrance and 1 drink. We do get more luckier because there were no traffic jam, got a packing spot straight away and it was Ne-Yo's after concert party. Yes people, yes, there is a BIG however coming up. HOWEVER, the drink was horrid (vodka + sprite), my heels were killing me and worst of all, we didn't even get to see Ne-Yo! We waited till 1 a.m.! I know, you might think it is still early anyway, but we understand that Feliz can't stay out too late. So we left at 1 a.m. SAD! T_T Although, we did manage to catch a bite at Station One. (Well for them its a bite, for me, its a meal.) When we got home, Mag and I decided not to bathe before we go to bed. While, we were sticky as super glue! We did end up sleeping well anyway, so whatever! Feliz and Mag slept with the dog in between them. Each time I got startle up, I would look over to check if the dog has been squash dead or not. Fortunately, she survive the night.

Not surprising, we slept till 12 p.m. on the next day. I was rushing to get ready because I have to bathe (with no conditioner, which means harder) and get ready in less than half hour. For me, that is hard! I feel sorry that her uncle have to wait for me in the car. We went Feliz's mum's office after that. We ate lunch there and waited for her, while taking care of her dog for her. Soon it was 3 p.m. She decided to go KLCC to meet up with her boyfriend (Teddy). Well we followed along and meet up with David on the way at KL Sentral. Reach KLCC with a hopeful thought of tasting Chilli's food for the 1st time. BUMMER! We waited for almost 15 minutes before the waiter and the manager and the supervisor have to come over and 'thrown' us out because animals are not allowed. In fact, animals are not allowed in KLCC too. We did manage to finish our Subway sandwich, before we got 'thrown' out again. This time by the KLCC securities. Dave and I have to bring the dog out 1st, while Mag waited for Feliz to come back from roaming the food court for food. Trust me, Mag was piss!

After that we went separate ways. Feliz and Teddy wnet and do their things and we continue our shopping. End up taking the LRT to Kelana Jaya and waited for the Ikano free shuttle bus for an hour. (P.S. Feliz pass by us but she did not stop. SOBZ!) Arrive at Ikano at about 9:30 p.m. We went Brands Outlet for a little shopping and crocs after that. Mag were very excited to introduced Ikea's meatballs to Dave. So we all decided in a whole to go for supper at Ikea. Mag end up buying only a damian cake and a cup of soft drinks, whereas, Dave and I got the 15 meatballs, 5 chicken wings and a bottle of mineral water. So much for a small supper. Dave is crazy! He complained to us about how little is the meatballs and they should serve more in a set. Mag and I struggle like mad lady trying to stuff 10 meatballs into us. Now, there he is complaining. We did actually plan to go The Curve after that, but it was too late.

In the end, Feliz and Teddy drove to Ikano and fetch Dave and us home. It was a short day, so Mag and I, well, CAN'T SLEEP. So I created a game called the "Truth & Lie". (this is because we can't play truth & dare, we were too lazy to move) It is a stupid but fun game. Most of the things that I've told Mag would scar her for life. (she will never eat at my house again!) We finally came into a mutual agreement that we should sleep (at around 3:30 a.m.) because we have to wake up at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

There goes Day 2...

Budak sesat kat bandar besar _ Part 1

If I am a writer, I would write down every emotion, words can describe. But I am not a writer, so I could only use simple words and words that I have learn all my life till now...

Experiences are earn with the pay back of sweat, tears, fear, happiness, hurt and all the other bombastic words Magdeline can put in my mind. So as for now (according to my mum), I am in KL to learn my way, and my mum have assign Mag as her assistant to supervise me in my quest through KL for this 3 days. Trying to reach KL is already a challenge. Try keeping your pee in you for 1 and a half hour, and run down from the bus into Puduraya's toilet. It was quite an experience even though it is not the first time. Meanwhile, Mag have the abilities to manipulate my mind, making me feel and think like I am a lost fly in a big city. Trust me, it is not a nice feeling!

Journey to Mag's house is rather soothing, even though we have to go through jam-pack LRT + rushing in between LRT inter-change trying to catch the next tren + standing while trying so hard to keep the bag in my hand and finally, sitting in a very very HOT taxi. Mag's house was not as bad as I have in mind. Though something I saw in her room might scar me for life. (it have something to do with her brother, but MOVING ON) Before I realise that Mag was screaming at the top of her lungs due to the mess in her room (cause by her brother again), hunger is getting to me. I could hear my stomach grumble like a speaker blowing in my ears.

The first thing that come on my mind when the number 88 appear is usually superstitious chinese man walking in my mind. So I have never really like the number, because for me its kind of stupid. Today, number 88 have finally proof itself useful by transporting me to Ikea for my meatballs! I have lots of meatballs, lots of them. But because Mag have trick me into buying 10 meatballs instead of 5. Which cause a huge catastrophe to happen, I COULDN'T FINISH MY MEATBALLS! I shall and will hold the grudge on Mag for this for as long as meatballs exist.

Apparently calling Feliz to come to the meatballs rescue was a mistake. She just end up chasing us to pack those meatballs up because she have rush back to her mum's office before the jam in the so called "big apple" of Malaysia begin. Don't worry. We did make it back on time. Oh, almost forgot, Feliz brought a poodle (puppy) along with her when she was "coming to the rescue". I have to say, the puppy is really obedient. She can just snuggle up to any of our thighs and just sit there looking around. She don't even bark much. I think I am falling in love with her... Looking forward for her company tonight during our sleepover.

As for night plans, well its simple, 1 word, EUPHORIA! That story shall be in the next post... Stay tuned! ^_^

Another should-not-be-existing day...

Slept at 6 this MORNING. Woke up 2 hours ago. All thanks to Mag! Hate being woken up by phone call. Then worse, saw something that I wouldn't want to see in the morning. A wrong message send by Dave. It was supposedly to be send to a certain someone. As for now, I am on my bed again. In front of my notebook. Trying to find some entertainment, which is clearly a failure. Suppose to be in Starbizz today. I will go later. (I think) If not my mum will start nagging again.

January Holidays Plan!

When out tonight with Mag... Both of us are so lifeless! Haha! She is too bored staying at home everyday with no internet, I am too bored staying at home everyday too but I have internet. Anyhow, I am still bored. Nothing else to do. Well I'm just too lazy to do anything that involve moving more than my fingers. I sound SO LAZY!

I force her to get a drink at Starbucks today. I want the 2010 planner so badly. For what? I don't know. I just never had it before. So I want it! I got it, thanks to my mum for yesterday's hot chocolate and Mag for buying a drink today. We sat at MP Starbucks for an hour talking about all kinds of things. Well, most of it are kind of kinky. I mean it is normal when you put me and Mag together. That is usual the result.

For what I have done for these few days, well, I decided to have a vacation with the girls! Me, Mag and Feliz! I wanted to go Singapore with Mag at first, but money issue came up and miss Maggie does not have a passport... Moving on. Then I suggested Penang, which we both agree on too. Here comes the but. BUT, I realise with my mum's sudden questioning, that my holidays end on the 18th. So that would mean no time to plan. How sad right?

Not to worry. I came up with the last resort. Vacation De Le Damansara! Yup! Going up to KL this Thursday! With Mag of course, coming back with her too. (please pray for me anyone who reads this, pray that she won't bail on me last minute) We, include me, Mag and Feliz, are spending hopefully two nights at Mag's house in Kota Damansara! I am not putting too much hope in it. Every time I put too much hope everything usually came down crashing.

I love how the plan is so random. Out of the blues. LOVE IT!

P.S. Dave doesn't know about this. I don't want his brother or his parents or worst HIM, thinks that I go up there for him. That, I am clingy. I wasn't thinking about him at all when I plan this. I dare to post this up is because he never reads my blog. Advantages! Hehe! So please.... Shh....

Here comes 2010...

Grieving is all I could express right now, or maybe for the whole coming month. Although I have never thought of how "the day" would come. It can be illustrate in a blink of an eye or just a moment of rain in the desert.

I am happy for him. Proud of him. But I can't help myself by feeling sad. I know it would make it harder for him to go in peace. I feel terrible too. Deep down, a part in my heart keep telling me to stay strong. It is just a part of all the obstacle that we have to face in the future. Which are yet come.

If irrevocably is a irreversible word literally. I would still use it to describe my feelings towards him, without thinking about the consequences. I have always wished I have better vocabs. There is so many mix emotions in me that I have no words to portray.

Its the 1st day of 2010. I know I should not be posting sad story. Kinda lame right? The way I welcome 2010? Well for me it is a beginning of a horror, sorrow and empty nightmare. So its kind of hard for me to find a reason to celebrate. Sorry guys...