Him & Her

I keep asking myself what do I feel? Anger? Frustration? Disappointed? Sad? Betrayed? It has been few days since I got the news, but I still can not figure out what is it that bothers me.

I feel...empty. I can't say I feel nothing but I can't say I feel something. Maybe my mind is telling me that I SHOULD feel something but I am not feeling any. That is why I get this weird vibe every time I thought about it.

Seeing their pictures on Facebook is not much of a help. I deleted 1 off, so maybe I would not have to think so much. Don't really have the time to bother about them or care in my case. They always manage to bring the bad side out of me. Very very bad. Trying very hard to avoid most of the time.

As for her, I don't know. I don't feel like facing her just yet. I think I would be able to, eventually. I mean every time I looked at her, I feel nothing. Hollow. Let's just cast her aside for a moment. When the time comes, I will probably know what to do.

Their mishap makes me think a lot. I have done it before and now I have been in both position. Not fun but an experience. I can't make myself go angry at them because every single time my emotions wanna go crazy at them, my brain starts giving a flash back at what I have done before. I am as horrible as they are. So what rights do I have to go crazy at them? For all I know, this was my punishment. In that case, God has been kind on me. Letting me know only after He knows it won't hurt that much anymore.

I don't know what to make of this situation. I really don't. I have tried to leave it. You know, "Let bygone be bygone.". But it keeps creeping up back at me. Very annoying BTW.

Guess I just have to let time show me the answer...

FUck with the title!

WARNING: I would probably be babbling for the next few paragraphs. I need to get all the crazy thoughts out of my brain. They might not even make sense. Either way, it does not really matter. No 1 reads my post anyway. I wanna cry so badly. Scream so badly. Need a hug so badly. Most of all, I need to not feel this way more badly. Worst part of it all, is that I have no idea how to tell my friends what is wrong. WHAT'S WRONG?! Oh, so many! When my mouth is close and sitting all alone with nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan or the blasting music from my earphones, my brain seem like it is about to explode. So many thoughts and feeling flooding it. But finally when someone ask me whats wrong and I try to pin point out the overflowing-excrutiating details in my mind, it choose to go blank. COMPLETELY BLANK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am staring at the screen right now and all that appears in my mind is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that horrible-crappy fucking feeling in my gut. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am depress as fuck!!!!!! I never knew I have the ability to be this depress. And then I ask myself, what are you depress about? There we go again, BLANK! How fucking fuck up a person could be to have her mind this blank?! My phone is sitting right next to me. A part of me wanna throw that son-of-a-bitch to the wall and watch it break. Another part of me wanna off it and disappear, even if it is just for a few hours. Sad to say and admit to myself, that I never have the courage to do that. Never had, probably never will have. Some will ask, whats the big deal? No 1 would die if they can't contact you. I just don't know why I can't do it. But having it on is killing me inside. Keep wondering, will it ring soon? Will I get a message? Oh, FUCK ME! FUCK YOU TOO! My brain might just explode anytime and leave horrifying stains on Magdeline's room walls and scaring her mother at the same time. I don't want that. Not because I am afraid of dying. Just afraid that if I don't die, imaging the questions I need to answer. That might just blow my brain again! I realize I am starting to not make sense. To be honest, I have no idea where I am heading with this. But I just can't stop typing. My brain might REALLY BLOW if I do. Ok, maybe in this case, crying non-stop. That leads to questions too. So no thanks. How do I end this? Maybe just this way:- END

It's getting harder to cope. Harder for me to ignore. I am not giving up just yet. But I am feeling horrible everyday. My mood swings are getting worse and worse. A minute I would be fine, then the next I am all over the place. I can no longer smile that easily. Sitcom no longer sooth my emotions. Food no longer has effect either. What have I become? It's scaring me.

For every bit...

The more I try to make myself feel secure about the future, the more I can see how insecure it is. I realize that we are so different. In a way, it has taught me so much. YOU have taught me so much.

I no longer dare to look ahead. Cause from where I am looking, it looks cloudy. I do not know why am I still here though. If it was me last time. I would have bail. But not this time, no matter how horrible I felt sometime, I still have the heart to stay on.

If this ever end, I owe you everything. Whoever I end up to be in the future, you have contributed to it. I love you ever bit for that.

My heart and brain has never felt this way before, till now. I can never describe how it has changed me. Changing me in this case.

I do hope this last. I really do. I love you.

About me

I read my "About Me" column yesterday... First sentence in my mind, "dafuq?!" How?! Why?! What?! WHY?!?!?! It is an embarrassment just by reading it. Did I really sound that cina-fied last time? (Actually I do not really need to ask that question...)

Changing it soon... 1 word. Embarrassment!

20 years 4 months and 23 days

I remember the time when I have wished for weird unpredictable future. Well, if you wait long enough, Lord has a way of giving them to you. I had a long chat with my close friend last night about.....life. Cliche I know but like Marshall said (from HIMYM) "Cliche is cliche for a reason. It is comforting..." And well, IT IS COMFORTING. I realised I do not have anything or should I say, I SHOULD not have anything to complain about my life. It has few a wonderful, fulfilling and adventurous 20 years 4 months and 23 days of pure awesomeness memories! Sure. I have done some pretty stupid things and regretful at times. But all and all, it was one hell of an experience! There are so many things that I want to say to so many people. So many untold stories. Unexplained misunderstandings. Unshared secrets. All because of one label. The label of "mistakes". Yes, I do dwell. I dwell because sometimes when you are all alone in your room staring at you computer on the "New Feed" page of Facebook, it just hit you right in the face. What and why are they your friends on Facebook? You do not even talk to each other. When you do, half of the time they were not even thinking about talking to you. They just thought it would be awkward if they don't. Then again, there's no point to dwelling. That's what I would tell myself when I start dwelling... How pathetic?! (This oh-so-psychotic-ways-to-live-life) (Oh Christine! Where are you going with this?) Coming back to what I really wanted to blog about in the 1st place before I went side track about my dwelling and pathetic mind. Ok, where was I? Oh yea, weird unpredictable future and God. Well, I got what I wished for. Even got the one I wished for last year! About me taking a break, not having to be thinking and sorting things out in the relationship any more. Living it now. Not as awesome as I have pictured it. But well it is still pretty awesome, just not as awesome. Your mind will keep creating illusion of problems about your life that are full of crap! That's the downside of having to get what you have always wanted. You suddenly stop doing what you have always done. It was fun at first, but then it will slowly get to you. Giving you a small panic in you mind that there is a hole that you need to fill. That hole is fake! You are just so not used to being taken care of. Till now, I have totally lost my point and have no idea what I wanted to write. Some other time then.

Karma/Anger/Misunderstood

It is without doubt that I have made mistakes in my pass. Some that I am ashamed of. I am willing to accept whatever God has plan for me. Although I am not going to lie that it is painful to go through.

1. I have been true to you as I can possibly be. If you think that I am lying, then there nothing else left for me to hold on to. Even if it is the truth. I am not standing any ground or even trying to argue with anyone. Truth is, I have nothing to do with it. If rumors said otherwise, then so be it. I no longer has strength to fight.

2. You put me there on a silver platter, serving me up for them to be played. I am not angry at them because I know him and the rest, to be honest, I don't care. But you! You out of all should know better. Don't worry, I am angry at myself too. For believing in imagination!

Did I do it wrong again? Cuz it feels like it. I am tired.

Where do I go when I wanna write a bunch of crap which I do not wish others would see...??? No where but here.

I don't know what exactly I am suppose to do. I did not ask for anything. I don't need all those things! Why can't I just have a normal relationship?!