FUck with the title!

WARNING: I would probably be babbling for the next few paragraphs. I need to get all the crazy thoughts out of my brain. They might not even make sense. Either way, it does not really matter. No 1 reads my post anyway. I wanna cry so badly. Scream so badly. Need a hug so badly. Most of all, I need to not feel this way more badly. Worst part of it all, is that I have no idea how to tell my friends what is wrong. WHAT'S WRONG?! Oh, so many! When my mouth is close and sitting all alone with nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan or the blasting music from my earphones, my brain seem like it is about to explode. So many thoughts and feeling flooding it. But finally when someone ask me whats wrong and I try to pin point out the overflowing-excrutiating details in my mind, it choose to go blank. COMPLETELY BLANK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am staring at the screen right now and all that appears in my mind is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that horrible-crappy fucking feeling in my gut. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am depress as fuck!!!!!! I never knew I have the ability to be this depress. And then I ask myself, what are you depress about? There we go again, BLANK! How fucking fuck up a person could be to have her mind this blank?! My phone is sitting right next to me. A part of me wanna throw that son-of-a-bitch to the wall and watch it break. Another part of me wanna off it and disappear, even if it is just for a few hours. Sad to say and admit to myself, that I never have the courage to do that. Never had, probably never will have. Some will ask, whats the big deal? No 1 would die if they can't contact you. I just don't know why I can't do it. But having it on is killing me inside. Keep wondering, will it ring soon? Will I get a message? Oh, FUCK ME! FUCK YOU TOO! My brain might just explode anytime and leave horrifying stains on Magdeline's room walls and scaring her mother at the same time. I don't want that. Not because I am afraid of dying. Just afraid that if I don't die, imaging the questions I need to answer. That might just blow my brain again! I realize I am starting to not make sense. To be honest, I have no idea where I am heading with this. But I just can't stop typing. My brain might REALLY BLOW if I do. Ok, maybe in this case, crying non-stop. That leads to questions too. So no thanks. How do I end this? Maybe just this way:- END

It's getting harder to cope. Harder for me to ignore. I am not giving up just yet. But I am feeling horrible everyday. My mood swings are getting worse and worse. A minute I would be fine, then the next I am all over the place. I can no longer smile that easily. Sitcom no longer sooth my emotions. Food no longer has effect either. What have I become? It's scaring me.

For every bit...

The more I try to make myself feel secure about the future, the more I can see how insecure it is. I realize that we are so different. In a way, it has taught me so much. YOU have taught me so much.

I no longer dare to look ahead. Cause from where I am looking, it looks cloudy. I do not know why am I still here though. If it was me last time. I would have bail. But not this time, no matter how horrible I felt sometime, I still have the heart to stay on.

If this ever end, I owe you everything. Whoever I end up to be in the future, you have contributed to it. I love you ever bit for that.

My heart and brain has never felt this way before, till now. I can never describe how it has changed me. Changing me in this case.

I do hope this last. I really do. I love you.