That smile...

They say you care less. They say you feel less. They say it is easier for you. They say... 

You laughed because at that spilt second, you felt all the pain that you have been through. It hit you hard. Then you realize that you do feel less. You do care less. It does seems easier for you. Because your mind and heart has without you noticing, harden more each time.

There you go... Put on that smile. Because it is easier to live this way, with a smile. It is easier to shut off pain than facing it. So now that the second is over, what do you do? 

You put on that smile and let you ADHD brain takes it's course. 

:)

Selfish me

I sometimes ask myself whats the point of writing stuff here when no one would read it anyway. And if someone ever, they would probably be a passerby that find all this shit being all whiny. This blog has become my emotional rubbish bin. I run here whenever I have no where to turn to or too afraid of how people would judge me for how I think. Yes, I still do think I am like a kid discovering new experiences that excites me. Like a kid with a new toy. 

Yes, I do know that I am selfish. Yes, I am selfish. So what do I do now? My brain is being a bitch again, asking me to avoid. To run. To fuck it. But I do know myself and reality. How long more can I run? Fucking it does not solve shit. It just fuck things up more sometimes. In this case, it already is making things worse. 

I am asking myself in repeat in my brain, am I trying hard enough to mend this relationship. Did I even try at the first place? Or did I just make myself think that I am trying so that I do not feel as guilty? Then my brain goes on to tell me that I am finally tired of this cycle. The whole relationship roller-coaster. I have finally reach the point where selfish seems easier. What am I doing? What exactly do I want? I can no longer differentiate what is wrong and what is right. Which is the selfish that is ok and which is not? 

"Christine this type of girl..."

"Christine this type of girl..."

Isn't that the statement of my life. No one to blame but myself for that. Well, at least I have a statement. :D
Here's to a little self pity. They are somehow partially right. So, can't blame them for saying that. We've all got to move on from that somehow isn't it?

"You are so afraid of everything. You won't know what you want till you take that step isn't it?"
A well known fact in my head. It is not real enough until someone says it out loud to me. Well, that right person as well. So what is it?

"Have you ever picture your life without me?" - "Nope. Never. Because I have never been alone for so long that I have forgotten how is it like being alone."
For some part that is kinda true. Have I pictured it? Somewhat, yes. Truly? Well, no. No idea how would I be. Not the without him part, but the alone part. And..........I wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When it is yours, then it will come back to you eventually. Just that, do you have the courage to let it go?"
Well, isn't that easier said than done.

"Then go la. Go do it."
Why? Why do it? Realry? For real?