I sometimes ask myself whats the point of writing stuff here when no one would read it anyway. And if someone ever, they would probably be a passerby that find all this shit being all whiny. This blog has become my emotional rubbish bin. I run here whenever I have no where to turn to or too afraid of how people would judge me for how I think. Yes, I still do think I am like a kid discovering new experiences that excites me. Like a kid with a new toy.
Yes, I do know that I am selfish. Yes, I am selfish. So what do I do now? My brain is being a bitch again, asking me to avoid. To run. To fuck it. But I do know myself and reality. How long more can I run? Fucking it does not solve shit. It just fuck things up more sometimes. In this case, it already is making things worse.
I am asking myself in repeat in my brain, am I trying hard enough to mend this relationship. Did I even try at the first place? Or did I just make myself think that I am trying so that I do not feel as guilty? Then my brain goes on to tell me that I am finally tired of this cycle. The whole relationship roller-coaster. I have finally reach the point where selfish seems easier. What am I doing? What exactly do I want? I can no longer differentiate what is wrong and what is right. Which is the selfish that is ok and which is not?
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