One step at a time

It has been an eventful year so far. Many things has happened literally and emotionally. I ran. I gave up. I fell. I think I got back up. Till now, till today. Literally less than 48 hours before I sit for my last paper (hopefully) in degree, being 23 years old, ended an almost 3 years relationship in the name of sudden epiphany on life, stumbling into a deep unknown hole of messy emotions and trying to figure out what the F to do next. I still feel like I am not equipped for the world. 

Learnt a very good lesson last weekend while climbing up a wall. I have always failed in that. Always giving half way because I got too afraid of falling, which I did by the way for the 2nd wall. In total of 3 walls to climb, the 1st was scary by easy. Told myself to get it over with and just climb as fast as I could. Not to think of what will happen or what MIGHT happen. Just keep climbing and hit that freaking button. Failed to climb the 2nd wall because I was too afraid. To be honest, I cannot think of why I gave up. What was I so afraid of? Falling? - Not really. There is a man holding the rope down there. Tired? - Well which wall and climb isn't? I have no idea. I just keep saying I couldn't and gave up. I just gave up. Typical me. 

The 3rd wall. The wall that made sit here and write this post. The wall that has made me question myself about the past, present and future decisions. I almost gave up again for the 3rd wall. I mean I was literally hanging there in front of all the pass byers that were staring up at me, the guy holding the rope looking frustrated and laughing at the same time because he has probably seen this scenario like a million times (I mean who can blame him. I would probably do the same thing if I was in his position) and finally, Caleo looking up at me. Cheering on at the same time, telling me to just keep trying but not in a pushy way that makes me wanna rip his face off. He just keep saying, "One more step. Just one more. Look up. You are so close." and me fighting back as always with my super negativity, "No its not! It is so far! I am already half way. I can't do this. I'm slipping." Then again, I am still hanging there. Refusing to let go. Refusing to admit defeat with me continuing to blab about how I couldn't do it. Yes, I was being a bitch. How he could be so patient with me? I have no idea. At that moment I did not know what hit me. Maybe it was the constant stare pressure that I was getting from the crowd or the man holding onto my life being annoyed or maybe it is just him telling me to just take another step. I took it. The next step became slightly easier and the next one and the next one and the next one after that. Then I look up and there it is, the bell that I have to ring. I rang it and thought to myself, "That wasn't so bad." It was not bad at all. In fact it hit me harder than I thought it would. I end up questioning life till now. Funny how something so simple and out of the blue can make you wonder about everything in your life. It was by far the best date EVER. It did not start as planned and there were glitches in between but it was the best. 

There is nothing I could do about my past or change it in any way but I could learn from it. I have been running way too much. I have been giving up way too often. Giving up whenever I hit an obstacle that tires me. As for the future, it is probably the most fearful thing in my mind now. It does not matter if its in relationship or my own life. I do not dare to look ahead because I do not know what is in store for me. Mostly because relationship wise seems pretty scary to me now. l have created a demon in that but that is a whole other story. In the present, I have been making too much excuses and at the same time think way too far in such a ridiculous level that I am driving myself crazy and it is beginning to ruin thing or relationship that I should appreciate around me. So now each time when I find myself losing it, I would take a deep breath and tell myself to take one step at a time. With the past that I cannot change and the future that I cannot control, all I have is now and I cannot afford to lose present too.