Learn steps

I miss her. It took me 24 years to realize that my family have been there all along. My mom might not have known who I am all this time or even who I really am now. But having to just listen to her voice makes some part of my day better. I know where I am now. I know that no one can pull me up from this fall other than myself. I know that each day, there will be new pain coming in. The pain of seeing him fine or the pain of just seeing him. Memories will slip in and I will fall again. There is something that my mom told me today, "What has happened is already a fact. There is nothing you can do about it. You can keep looking back. You can keep going back to that moment. You can keep reliving that memory over and over again. You can look at your faults and his faults and go round and round on that merry-go-round. You can keep telling yourself what you could have done and what he could have done. What he could have change and how you could have acted to get the exact result that you wanted. Either way, what is done is done. What is said is said. It's time to move on. It time to fix now. Whatever now is. If it is you that is broken, then fix yourself. Letting go is hard, but once you do, you will see how everything will be much happier." This coming from my mom was especially hard to hear. Because all this time, I have always thought that they have not let go and I am the one who have been fine. Boy am I wrong! They have seen a better part of things way before I have. I was so blinded. I have seen my parents fought. My mom cried. My dad yelled. I still remember me preparing for their divorce. Its true, I have no idea what my parents have been thru to get this far.

I give relationship advises to people all the time. Talking about honesty. Talking about pain. Talking about knowing when to let go. Talking about how I have been there and done that. The irony in my actions is way too much. So here I am again. Eating my own words. Eating my own advise. 

The "adult" thinking

So here we are again. I would thought that this kind of sh*t is behind me. I guessed not. So what is it? In order for people to like me, I have to act not like myself. I should act like a snob adult that I hate so much because that is what expected of me at my age. To act all high and mighty and a know it all. A girl that carry herself with all that freaking expectation that society is so-called branding it as sexist and insensitive.

Please do not get me wrong. I get that everyone is a freaking hypocrite when it comes to certain part in life. Well I guess this is the only part that I never really get. Something drove me to it 3 years ago. I was so sick and tired of being treated like a kid and not being viewed as an adult just because I am different. I rebelled and became someone and be with someone that make me hate that side of myself so much. Just to prove a freaking point. I would have thought that I already got a grasp of it by now.

What am I doing that is so wrong? I am not ranting about how I am not wrong. I am really seriously curious. Am I doing something wrong? Am I really suppose to act like someone I am not just so everyone will take me seriously? Is ironic how the world keep telling you to be yourself but this kind of sh*t happens so often.

This should not bother me as much as it used to. I will never get used to this isn't it? This will ALWAYS bother me isn't it? #fml

That pit in stomach feeling

I am living in constant confusion now. I have no idea if I am thinking too much or is this feeling real. I have never felt this way so constant before. I keep telling myself I am thinking way too much but am I? Or are my feelings real? 

Last time if I were to feel this way, I would say something or do something about it. This time I am just fill with fears. Afraid of saying what is on my mind because someone would just shake it off and says that I am thinking way too much. But how if I am not? How if what I am feeling is real? How if all this stomach pit feelings are real? 

I find myself not being able to talk to anyone. I just have to figure this out all by myself then. :( 

One step at a time

It has been an eventful year so far. Many things has happened literally and emotionally. I ran. I gave up. I fell. I think I got back up. Till now, till today. Literally less than 48 hours before I sit for my last paper (hopefully) in degree, being 23 years old, ended an almost 3 years relationship in the name of sudden epiphany on life, stumbling into a deep unknown hole of messy emotions and trying to figure out what the F to do next. I still feel like I am not equipped for the world. 

Learnt a very good lesson last weekend while climbing up a wall. I have always failed in that. Always giving half way because I got too afraid of falling, which I did by the way for the 2nd wall. In total of 3 walls to climb, the 1st was scary by easy. Told myself to get it over with and just climb as fast as I could. Not to think of what will happen or what MIGHT happen. Just keep climbing and hit that freaking button. Failed to climb the 2nd wall because I was too afraid. To be honest, I cannot think of why I gave up. What was I so afraid of? Falling? - Not really. There is a man holding the rope down there. Tired? - Well which wall and climb isn't? I have no idea. I just keep saying I couldn't and gave up. I just gave up. Typical me. 

The 3rd wall. The wall that made sit here and write this post. The wall that has made me question myself about the past, present and future decisions. I almost gave up again for the 3rd wall. I mean I was literally hanging there in front of all the pass byers that were staring up at me, the guy holding the rope looking frustrated and laughing at the same time because he has probably seen this scenario like a million times (I mean who can blame him. I would probably do the same thing if I was in his position) and finally, Caleo looking up at me. Cheering on at the same time, telling me to just keep trying but not in a pushy way that makes me wanna rip his face off. He just keep saying, "One more step. Just one more. Look up. You are so close." and me fighting back as always with my super negativity, "No its not! It is so far! I am already half way. I can't do this. I'm slipping." Then again, I am still hanging there. Refusing to let go. Refusing to admit defeat with me continuing to blab about how I couldn't do it. Yes, I was being a bitch. How he could be so patient with me? I have no idea. At that moment I did not know what hit me. Maybe it was the constant stare pressure that I was getting from the crowd or the man holding onto my life being annoyed or maybe it is just him telling me to just take another step. I took it. The next step became slightly easier and the next one and the next one and the next one after that. Then I look up and there it is, the bell that I have to ring. I rang it and thought to myself, "That wasn't so bad." It was not bad at all. In fact it hit me harder than I thought it would. I end up questioning life till now. Funny how something so simple and out of the blue can make you wonder about everything in your life. It was by far the best date EVER. It did not start as planned and there were glitches in between but it was the best. 

There is nothing I could do about my past or change it in any way but I could learn from it. I have been running way too much. I have been giving up way too often. Giving up whenever I hit an obstacle that tires me. As for the future, it is probably the most fearful thing in my mind now. It does not matter if its in relationship or my own life. I do not dare to look ahead because I do not know what is in store for me. Mostly because relationship wise seems pretty scary to me now. l have created a demon in that but that is a whole other story. In the present, I have been making too much excuses and at the same time think way too far in such a ridiculous level that I am driving myself crazy and it is beginning to ruin thing or relationship that I should appreciate around me. So now each time when I find myself losing it, I would take a deep breath and tell myself to take one step at a time. With the past that I cannot change and the future that I cannot control, all I have is now and I cannot afford to lose present too. 

A lesson from above

I find myself looking up at Him again. He always have his way of making me understand how does it feel when I do certain things to certain people. It does not mean it is bad. Just how it would felt like to be on the other side. To feel and go thru the same situation as it before. Only this time, I am sad about it. Because I have been a horrible person. Horrible enough to have put someone thru something so painful and hard. The only different is now I don't know how this would end. Hopefully not as how mine was but still, it scares me just thinking about it. 

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the lesson. 

That smile...

They say you care less. They say you feel less. They say it is easier for you. They say... 

You laughed because at that spilt second, you felt all the pain that you have been through. It hit you hard. Then you realize that you do feel less. You do care less. It does seems easier for you. Because your mind and heart has without you noticing, harden more each time.

There you go... Put on that smile. Because it is easier to live this way, with a smile. It is easier to shut off pain than facing it. So now that the second is over, what do you do? 

You put on that smile and let you ADHD brain takes it's course. 

:)

Selfish me

I sometimes ask myself whats the point of writing stuff here when no one would read it anyway. And if someone ever, they would probably be a passerby that find all this shit being all whiny. This blog has become my emotional rubbish bin. I run here whenever I have no where to turn to or too afraid of how people would judge me for how I think. Yes, I still do think I am like a kid discovering new experiences that excites me. Like a kid with a new toy. 

Yes, I do know that I am selfish. Yes, I am selfish. So what do I do now? My brain is being a bitch again, asking me to avoid. To run. To fuck it. But I do know myself and reality. How long more can I run? Fucking it does not solve shit. It just fuck things up more sometimes. In this case, it already is making things worse. 

I am asking myself in repeat in my brain, am I trying hard enough to mend this relationship. Did I even try at the first place? Or did I just make myself think that I am trying so that I do not feel as guilty? Then my brain goes on to tell me that I am finally tired of this cycle. The whole relationship roller-coaster. I have finally reach the point where selfish seems easier. What am I doing? What exactly do I want? I can no longer differentiate what is wrong and what is right. Which is the selfish that is ok and which is not?