I won't say my goodbyes

I heard my heart shattered today. I knew this would be the last. It will never be mend again. Somehow I don't mind it to be a cycle, because I know at least there is still love...

I don't pray for her to find her way. I have no rights to say she is lost. Just pray that God would keep her safe and take care of her. Which is something that I can no longer do.

I know I am not much of a good friend to her. I apologies for that. But I would stand my ground for things that I did not do wrong. In which, I believe that she would come to understand it one day.

I will not say my goodbyes to any of 'her'. I no reason too. I always think that Blair is stupid. No matter what Serena does to her. She forgives. Somehow again, I believe that all three of us are the same. We just all need different time to adapt.

Both of you will do great. That is how both of you are. And always will be... I won't disappear. I won't run. I won't be in denial. I won't avoid. I would just be here. Then again, I start wondering...does it matter?

Little creature!

I got a call last night from a very odd friend. She called me and told me that kissed a random stranger last weekend. I have never imagine before that I would be the one she called after such adventurous moment in her life. (I mean what can I say, she is kinda in a relationship) But somehow, I was flattered. I know it is not a monumental thing but still, it makes me feel that she wants me in her life.

When she going on about how it happened, I was actually imagining myself doing it. It has always occur to me that I am that kind of person that would do something like that. Instead of what I am doing now. Home almost 24/7 - class. No movie night, no late night supper with friends, no shopping spree with "girls" and those other crazy stuff. I secretly wish I would have her courage to do what she have done and more, but I guess that just isn't me. It is just what I want to be. Like a little rebellious creature trap in my mind wanting to get out, but little did I know, that creature is comfortable at where she is.

I don't think its right but at the same time, it makes perfect sense. So I told her, I don't encourage it BUT I was happy she did it!

P.S. Sometimes, doing something wrong might just lead you to the right path...

A long-lost post...

As much as I want to deny all facts that is hurling towards me. I can't. It is too true. Too real. It has always been this way actually. Or maybe it is just the after effect from the last incident. We have moved on, but for some people, they might still be caught up in the past. It is sad to admit that we are losing something. Something or someone that used to be so important in our life is basically tearing up our heart.

My mind is telling me, I don't know this stranger standing in front of me. Whereas my heart keep telling me to say hi, hug each other, talk and all sort of things a person would do when they meet or see a long lost someone in their life. I have tried. It is just not the same any more. There is like a sign asking me to move on. It is not going to be the same again. No matter how hard I try to be normal about the whole thing, it just keep showing me horrid images of how this is going to end.

Budak sesat kat bandar besar_Part 2

Hello! I am back! To tell you about my very "sua ku" story of me being in KL. Lets just start off from where I stop on the previous post.

To be honest, Euphoria, eh.....! Not what I expected, truth, I don't actually know what to expect. I have never technically step into a club before. But Euphoria does make Melaka's clubs look very awful. Lucky for us, its ladies night, so free entrance and 1 drink. We do get more luckier because there were no traffic jam, got a packing spot straight away and it was Ne-Yo's after concert party. Yes people, yes, there is a BIG however coming up. HOWEVER, the drink was horrid (vodka + sprite), my heels were killing me and worst of all, we didn't even get to see Ne-Yo! We waited till 1 a.m.! I know, you might think it is still early anyway, but we understand that Feliz can't stay out too late. So we left at 1 a.m. SAD! T_T Although, we did manage to catch a bite at Station One. (Well for them its a bite, for me, its a meal.) When we got home, Mag and I decided not to bathe before we go to bed. While, we were sticky as super glue! We did end up sleeping well anyway, so whatever! Feliz and Mag slept with the dog in between them. Each time I got startle up, I would look over to check if the dog has been squash dead or not. Fortunately, she survive the night.

Not surprising, we slept till 12 p.m. on the next day. I was rushing to get ready because I have to bathe (with no conditioner, which means harder) and get ready in less than half hour. For me, that is hard! I feel sorry that her uncle have to wait for me in the car. We went Feliz's mum's office after that. We ate lunch there and waited for her, while taking care of her dog for her. Soon it was 3 p.m. She decided to go KLCC to meet up with her boyfriend (Teddy). Well we followed along and meet up with David on the way at KL Sentral. Reach KLCC with a hopeful thought of tasting Chilli's food for the 1st time. BUMMER! We waited for almost 15 minutes before the waiter and the manager and the supervisor have to come over and 'thrown' us out because animals are not allowed. In fact, animals are not allowed in KLCC too. We did manage to finish our Subway sandwich, before we got 'thrown' out again. This time by the KLCC securities. Dave and I have to bring the dog out 1st, while Mag waited for Feliz to come back from roaming the food court for food. Trust me, Mag was piss!

After that we went separate ways. Feliz and Teddy wnet and do their things and we continue our shopping. End up taking the LRT to Kelana Jaya and waited for the Ikano free shuttle bus for an hour. (P.S. Feliz pass by us but she did not stop. SOBZ!) Arrive at Ikano at about 9:30 p.m. We went Brands Outlet for a little shopping and crocs after that. Mag were very excited to introduced Ikea's meatballs to Dave. So we all decided in a whole to go for supper at Ikea. Mag end up buying only a damian cake and a cup of soft drinks, whereas, Dave and I got the 15 meatballs, 5 chicken wings and a bottle of mineral water. So much for a small supper. Dave is crazy! He complained to us about how little is the meatballs and they should serve more in a set. Mag and I struggle like mad lady trying to stuff 10 meatballs into us. Now, there he is complaining. We did actually plan to go The Curve after that, but it was too late.

In the end, Feliz and Teddy drove to Ikano and fetch Dave and us home. It was a short day, so Mag and I, well, CAN'T SLEEP. So I created a game called the "Truth & Lie". (this is because we can't play truth & dare, we were too lazy to move) It is a stupid but fun game. Most of the things that I've told Mag would scar her for life. (she will never eat at my house again!) We finally came into a mutual agreement that we should sleep (at around 3:30 a.m.) because we have to wake up at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

There goes Day 2...

Budak sesat kat bandar besar _ Part 1

If I am a writer, I would write down every emotion, words can describe. But I am not a writer, so I could only use simple words and words that I have learn all my life till now...

Experiences are earn with the pay back of sweat, tears, fear, happiness, hurt and all the other bombastic words Magdeline can put in my mind. So as for now (according to my mum), I am in KL to learn my way, and my mum have assign Mag as her assistant to supervise me in my quest through KL for this 3 days. Trying to reach KL is already a challenge. Try keeping your pee in you for 1 and a half hour, and run down from the bus into Puduraya's toilet. It was quite an experience even though it is not the first time. Meanwhile, Mag have the abilities to manipulate my mind, making me feel and think like I am a lost fly in a big city. Trust me, it is not a nice feeling!

Journey to Mag's house is rather soothing, even though we have to go through jam-pack LRT + rushing in between LRT inter-change trying to catch the next tren + standing while trying so hard to keep the bag in my hand and finally, sitting in a very very HOT taxi. Mag's house was not as bad as I have in mind. Though something I saw in her room might scar me for life. (it have something to do with her brother, but MOVING ON) Before I realise that Mag was screaming at the top of her lungs due to the mess in her room (cause by her brother again), hunger is getting to me. I could hear my stomach grumble like a speaker blowing in my ears.

The first thing that come on my mind when the number 88 appear is usually superstitious chinese man walking in my mind. So I have never really like the number, because for me its kind of stupid. Today, number 88 have finally proof itself useful by transporting me to Ikea for my meatballs! I have lots of meatballs, lots of them. But because Mag have trick me into buying 10 meatballs instead of 5. Which cause a huge catastrophe to happen, I COULDN'T FINISH MY MEATBALLS! I shall and will hold the grudge on Mag for this for as long as meatballs exist.

Apparently calling Feliz to come to the meatballs rescue was a mistake. She just end up chasing us to pack those meatballs up because she have rush back to her mum's office before the jam in the so called "big apple" of Malaysia begin. Don't worry. We did make it back on time. Oh, almost forgot, Feliz brought a poodle (puppy) along with her when she was "coming to the rescue". I have to say, the puppy is really obedient. She can just snuggle up to any of our thighs and just sit there looking around. She don't even bark much. I think I am falling in love with her... Looking forward for her company tonight during our sleepover.

As for night plans, well its simple, 1 word, EUPHORIA! That story shall be in the next post... Stay tuned! ^_^

January Holidays Plan!

When out tonight with Mag... Both of us are so lifeless! Haha! She is too bored staying at home everyday with no internet, I am too bored staying at home everyday too but I have internet. Anyhow, I am still bored. Nothing else to do. Well I'm just too lazy to do anything that involve moving more than my fingers. I sound SO LAZY!

I force her to get a drink at Starbucks today. I want the 2010 planner so badly. For what? I don't know. I just never had it before. So I want it! I got it, thanks to my mum for yesterday's hot chocolate and Mag for buying a drink today. We sat at MP Starbucks for an hour talking about all kinds of things. Well, most of it are kind of kinky. I mean it is normal when you put me and Mag together. That is usual the result.

For what I have done for these few days, well, I decided to have a vacation with the girls! Me, Mag and Feliz! I wanted to go Singapore with Mag at first, but money issue came up and miss Maggie does not have a passport... Moving on. Then I suggested Penang, which we both agree on too. Here comes the but. BUT, I realise with my mum's sudden questioning, that my holidays end on the 18th. So that would mean no time to plan. How sad right?

Not to worry. I came up with the last resort. Vacation De Le Damansara! Yup! Going up to KL this Thursday! With Mag of course, coming back with her too. (please pray for me anyone who reads this, pray that she won't bail on me last minute) We, include me, Mag and Feliz, are spending hopefully two nights at Mag's house in Kota Damansara! I am not putting too much hope in it. Every time I put too much hope everything usually came down crashing.

I love how the plan is so random. Out of the blues. LOVE IT!

P.S. Dave doesn't know about this. I don't want his brother or his parents or worst HIM, thinks that I go up there for him. That, I am clingy. I wasn't thinking about him at all when I plan this. I dare to post this up is because he never reads my blog. Advantages! Hehe! So please.... Shh....

Ann Ann! Jia Ming!

Haven't been updating my blog for quite sometime. I wasn't that busy, just have nothing to update. I know, how can i have nothing to tell?! I have actually, is just that thing i can tell doesn't seem relevant to anyone. Things i can't tell, well i just can't tell.

Anyway, I do have a couple things to a few friends...
1) Ming Ann ~ Sorry for the on-off messages-chatting-existing thing. I hate my style but i am like that. Don't know how to be different. Always remember i will always miss you!!!!!

2) Jia Ming ~ I don't know you will read this or not. But i think i will make sure you will read this. Hehe! Sorry too! I have been really cold to you lately. Its just my stupid attitude problem. Hope you are not angry at me.

A simple Birthday wish...

I wished her Happy Birthday... I don't expect anything in return. I just think i should... I mean, it is her birthday... I hope she or other people won't try to twist my words again... Please give it a break...

M3 and my pathetic friendless life...

Every where i turn in my class, i see groups of people. There is Chinese group, Malay group, Indian group, emo group, smart group and etc... Then i realise something, i am sitting in the middle of all the groups. ALONE! All by myself. I have known that this would happen the moment i stepped into my class 2 months ago. I guess i have been denying it all this time. But now i realise i would never fit in to any of those groups. Not that i am picky. Is just that i am so crazy-weirdly-different from all of them. The way i see things, the way i speak, the way i through life, the things i do, the right and wrong i think, is just so different from all of them.

Its sad, you know... How i go to class alone, go back alone, at home alone again, go out only with my boyfriend. Is like i don't have a life at all. Even married woman don't do that! I have no friends to go shopping with, hang out, talk about silly stuff, sleepover and etc. All i do whole day at home is either sleep or online. I sound so BLOODY BORING!

Saving money, ANYONE???

What is the hardest things for you to commit to???
- Not shopping?
- Not lying?
- Not cheating?
- Not eating that much?
- Saving money?
- Keep your hands away from the computer for a day?
- Or just plain old school, cant keep yourself away from the television?

Haha! Me? It probably would be not cheating for last time. But now it is definitely saving money. I can't go on 1 week without having to spend almost RM 100. I am thinking of ways to earn money. As usual, brain jam! I am not that type of person who can come up with smart ideas to do something. This make me feel so dumb! That is why i need your help (my blog readers)! More brains is better than 1! So i am asking everyone of you to do me a favour. Please help me think of any ideas at all to help save or earn money in a fast way or moderate speed will do. As long as it does not take years to do it. (I doubt i can do it even i have years time)

Awesome BlogShop EVERYONE!!!

Check out this blogshop everyone!(http://insideoutgrace.blogspot.com/) Especially girls! Guys is welcome too... A friend of mine runs it with a bunch of her friends... haha... Things in there are really nice and affordable...

P.S. Don't worry about the danger... They are a bunch of college students running a business... You have my words! ^_^

To : W.S

If i am wrong about you then i am sorry... But you can't really blame me for what i think about you. It is from what ever you have shown me. If you say i know nothing about the truth, then show me the truth. Show me that you are not that person in that post. Show and prove to me that i am wrong. I don't mind being wrong. I wish i am wrong. You are my friend and also a person that i have like before. What makes you think i want the worse for you??? What makes you think i would want to trash about you for no reason at all??? If you think it is because of my anger to you about what happen last time, then you are wrong. I am not angry. I was sad and hurt, that's all. I have never thought of revenge. Never thought of hurting you back.

P.S. It is not her fault. Please stop blaming her. She did nothing wrong. She might be childish to tell me, but she is just finding a way to release all those pain and sadness. I am the one judging you. I am the one who wrote that post. So please, don't scold or hate her for it. She don't deserve it.

Your time will come....

I suddenly have the urge of writing this post after going through her profile... You are SO FAKE! (I don't mean her... it is meant for someone else) How can you do this??? After so many times??? Don't you think you are the childish one??? WAIT! I ask the wrong question. It should be, do you have a heart made of stone??? Do you have any idea how many pain and agony she is going through??? All you think of is yourself. When you are not happy, you just walk away. When you are done playing ''outside'', you come back begging as if you have done nothing wrong.

You made those choices yourself. You choose her over me. You went back to her even after how many flings you have, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. You are in university now. Why can't you just settle down with her???

1. If you say she is childish then why go with her at the first place??? Don't start creating excuses that you don't know at the beginning. For God sake! You have been tormenting her feelings since she started form 1! You out of all people should have known better!

2. You told her that all you want to do now is to concentrate on your studies... For me those are all bulls*** talk! What are you doing in a club then???

3. You said what's over is over. Then why do you always come crawling back... S**KER!

4. STOP black mailing her! She is not your puppet! If you are so brave to say everything out, then go ahead! Why are you still hesitating??? Giving her a chance? CRAP! You are just as coward as ever! Deep down, you don't have any guts to do anything!

5. Lastly, you better stop while you can... Everything you do now would destroy you in the future. I have a very good feeling that you are going to suffer way more than what ever me and her have suffered.

P.S. To the ''she'', you have no idea what you are getting yourself into... I wish the best of luck to you...

To : Phoebe

I don't really know you. I have only met you once. The first and the last time we met, we did not even have time to talk to each other. I must say i am sorry, because i did judge you last time. I am very sorry i did so. But for me now, you and i are just two victims that have just walk out from the dark side of a relationship.

Cry all you want. Curse all you want. Eat all you want. Scream all you want. Be emo all you want. After that, stand up straight and have confident in yourself. Then dare yourself to walk down the love road again... It is not a scary road. Your true love is some where out there, but some times you have to go and find it yourself. What i am trying to say is, let all these be the past, remember them and don't make the same mistakes again... Mag and i trust that you can do it!

True Friends????

I went to class this morning and i sat at the fifth row. (if i am not wrong) I was waiting for my friend T and another guy friend. I was waiting for quite sometime and they haven't arrive yet, so i went to the toilet. When i came back, they was sitting in front. But i just ignore it. When the class is over they never even bother to say hi or bye when see me. They just walk pass me. At that point, i just sat there and wonder ''Does everyone in this world dislike me??? What did i do??? Am i unfriendly or rude???''. Questions was pouring like waterfall in my head.

After i sign the attendance list, i walk out knowing that i would be alone after this. Wondering around campus or going library to pretend like i am studying so that i don't look so pathetic. To my surprise, when i push the door, my group members from yesterdays class was there waiting for me! They told me the others have something to do...so they have to leave first. I was shocked! WOW! There is actually someone waiting for me! They even accompany me to make my student ID smart card. Then we when to breakfast together at Plaza Siswa where we meet up with others and walk to class after that.

P.S. I hope this last.... (I sound so PATHETIC) It was like that for the first few days with T but now i just seem to be like a very very common friend where she only come for help....

My first presentation!

THANK YOU guys SO much!!!! I am very sorry i don't know all my group members name. But you guys just made my day! I love my group! I hope i did not offend anyone when i ask you guys to do things just now. Is like i am ordering you guys around. Very very sorry. Overall, we did a GREAT job! My lecturer thinks it is a good idea!

Company name (aka group name) : DR3AM Management

Service that we provide : We are a management company which help corporations, companies and other organization to manage events or sell and promote a product.

Basically, for this project in Fundamental of Business....we create a piggy bank out of rubbish or waste product and we call it a "Moving Home". It is a piggy bank that we bring around to collect money for charity.

P.S. I have never in my life thought that i would be able to do it! To stand in front of 100 students and do a presentation! I was having cold sweat, trembling and FREAKING OUT! But I DID IT! Can anyone of you believe it??? I did it!!! Me... Christine Lee DID IT!!! I still find it unbelievable!

ZOO day trip with JOYESH!

Reach the fun part.... Hehehe... After the registration in the morning i have hour away before i have to be back there again. So, i went to the ZOO with JOYESH! I don't know how that happen and why it happen. We just went there. He is fascinated by the tigers.... Haiz... I should have take those pictures of him. We talk on the way too. I mean we still go crazy at each other but this time its kinda better though. I mean he is sort of, kinda, can can gentlemen... I feel weird saying that. Oh well, there is always a first time. He is a good guy. Send him to church after zoo. I suddenly have the urge to follow him in. I don't know why again. So don't ask. But suddenly i saw that picture in my mind (not really a picture, i have never seen that man before, but still....), it makes me so grumpy. It won't make any difference anyway if i go in. It would just make other people or certain people more angry. So i decided to go home and sleep...

After registration in MMU

Just reach home from MMU. To my surprise, i kinda like the whole thing.... Its fun! Lots of singing and monkey dances but entirely its FUN! When we reach at 3 p.m., we are being divided into different teams with different colours. I got green. Hehe GO GREEN! How awesome is that???!!! Soon Aik is in my group too. G4! There is about 10 groups in each team. (i guess) Then i found out (and i think), we are the only team that is having rehearsal for tomorrow opening ceremony. Speeches is something i am not looking forward to....

2.44 p.m. ~ Reach Joyesh's house. Waited for him in the car for 3 minutes. I got no idea what is taking him so long. We are already gonna be late....

2.51 p.m. ~ Reach MMU. Oooo ''scary''..... I ask Joyesh to take my water for me in his bag. Surprisingly again, he said yes. Then we walk in together to the main hall. Saw Yuvanesh, Sandip (i hope i spell right, if not then i am sorry), Renee, Shereen, Indhu, Shamin and Jace. (hmmm... i wonder where he is....)

3.12 p.m. ~ Move to the field. Being divided according to the sticker on our temporary ID card. Hear boring speeches and seniors trying to make us scream. (weird....) This is also where i receive the HORRID news.... We have to be at the field by 7 a.m. tomorrow. (KILL ME!!!!)

3.50 p.m. ~ Move to the main hall. (only for green team) Practice ''cheering'' and singing for tomorrow.

6.28 p.m. ~ Move out of the hall and towards the field again. This time is for the food! Hahahahahahaha FINALLY!!!!! FOOD!!!! But it sucks so no point...

The whole event was actually quite nice. Except the part where we need to wear formal and stand under the sun at 3 p.m. in the AFTERNOON! Other than that was ok....

Nightmares....

Lately, i have been having nightmares about the same person. A person that i can't seem to understand why i feel such hate against.... Maybe it is because i never have a chance to know what actually happen. I have never have nightmares in my life. Because i consider nightmares as dreams that haunt you even after you are awake. Well this dream haunts me. Haunts me hard! I feel so weak. I don't want to feel weak. I don't want to feel that someone could take over me!

This would be the first time i ever so much wanted to curse someone in my blog. I wanted so much to yell out loud ''You brainless BIMBO!'' ''I might deserve the way you treat me, but you definitely do not deserve the way i treat you. The way i try so hard to remain patience with the words you use, the crappy attitude you have against me and the shameless accused you throw towards me.'' I know who i am. I know what i did in my past haunts me. But whatever! They hate me... They despise me.... They can say and do whatever they like... I know what i am doing now and there is nothing wrong about it. You can judge me all you want or you can scold me B**** again in facebook. To me they mean nothing but words that reflect the ones who say it...

P.S. Thanks to u SC i wanna be better... each time i feel so useless and suck-ish, i will think of you... You being better than me makes me wanna strangle myself. The picture of you will never leave my head. It would be a reminder!

''I love you, Goodbye dear''

I just read your old post. I don't know why i suddenly have the a feeling to look back at us. I guess you are right. I didn't really give myself a chance to understand you. Maybe it is because i have seen the old you and it is kinda hard for me to believe and accept the new you. To be honest, i am not even sure about YOU. Going through everything made me realise why you hate me so much now. It is more easy to see now. More clearly than last time. When both of us have many things going on in our lives.

I am very happy for you. You found someone that understands you and loves you. From the way she describe how much you mean to her in her blog. It is clear that she loves you lots. Vice verse. I wish you all the best in the future. And lastly, THANKS FOR ALL THE MEMORIES!