20

I had a fantasy from the day I met you. I never run wild till I was sure. I remember staring at you across the lab. At that moment I was certain about a few things... I was 17.

1) I am going to be with that guy.
2) I love him.
3) I know he loves me.

Now,

1) We love each other.
2) I am going to marry him.
3) He is not yet the man he could be...

My question to myself now is, what am I willing to give up?

Past...Present...Future

A year ago, I would say, "Ok, this is happening."


A year before that, I would say, "OMG! Is this really happening?! I can't believe it! I have to tell .......... *my bitches " >.<


A week ago ~ "This is getting out of hand. It feels untrue. Am I suppose to slap myself back into reality or just slap myself?! Or is this REALITY?!" *FREAK OUT!!!!


60 minutes before now ~ "I am afraid. I can't make myself not be. It is just there. No matter how hard I try, it just don't go away!" *long pause "I should chill. He is talking to me. Next to me. Telling me that he loves me. I should chill." "I CAN'T CHILL?! The more convince I am that he loves me, the more impossible it is for me to CHILL!" *its too good to be true


Now. ~ *still doesn't have the answer to all of my questions


Future. ~ Still would be fill with doubts by others. But does it matter?

Monday bliss...

Its Monday! I don't know why no matter how I try to make Monday sound nice and cheerful, it will never be... I feel sorry for Monday... Anyway, I had fun today/night. Its been long since the last time I went out with my boyfriend. Miss him lots! Finally got my hand on Domo!

P.S. At last after a very long wait (I am lying), I finally got to meet FUR-BALL! I hope I could get a nice picture of him soon.... Will upload it ASAP!

Budak sesat kat bandar besar_Part 2

Hello! I am back! To tell you about my very "sua ku" story of me being in KL. Lets just start off from where I stop on the previous post.

To be honest, Euphoria, eh.....! Not what I expected, truth, I don't actually know what to expect. I have never technically step into a club before. But Euphoria does make Melaka's clubs look very awful. Lucky for us, its ladies night, so free entrance and 1 drink. We do get more luckier because there were no traffic jam, got a packing spot straight away and it was Ne-Yo's after concert party. Yes people, yes, there is a BIG however coming up. HOWEVER, the drink was horrid (vodka + sprite), my heels were killing me and worst of all, we didn't even get to see Ne-Yo! We waited till 1 a.m.! I know, you might think it is still early anyway, but we understand that Feliz can't stay out too late. So we left at 1 a.m. SAD! T_T Although, we did manage to catch a bite at Station One. (Well for them its a bite, for me, its a meal.) When we got home, Mag and I decided not to bathe before we go to bed. While, we were sticky as super glue! We did end up sleeping well anyway, so whatever! Feliz and Mag slept with the dog in between them. Each time I got startle up, I would look over to check if the dog has been squash dead or not. Fortunately, she survive the night.

Not surprising, we slept till 12 p.m. on the next day. I was rushing to get ready because I have to bathe (with no conditioner, which means harder) and get ready in less than half hour. For me, that is hard! I feel sorry that her uncle have to wait for me in the car. We went Feliz's mum's office after that. We ate lunch there and waited for her, while taking care of her dog for her. Soon it was 3 p.m. She decided to go KLCC to meet up with her boyfriend (Teddy). Well we followed along and meet up with David on the way at KL Sentral. Reach KLCC with a hopeful thought of tasting Chilli's food for the 1st time. BUMMER! We waited for almost 15 minutes before the waiter and the manager and the supervisor have to come over and 'thrown' us out because animals are not allowed. In fact, animals are not allowed in KLCC too. We did manage to finish our Subway sandwich, before we got 'thrown' out again. This time by the KLCC securities. Dave and I have to bring the dog out 1st, while Mag waited for Feliz to come back from roaming the food court for food. Trust me, Mag was piss!

After that we went separate ways. Feliz and Teddy wnet and do their things and we continue our shopping. End up taking the LRT to Kelana Jaya and waited for the Ikano free shuttle bus for an hour. (P.S. Feliz pass by us but she did not stop. SOBZ!) Arrive at Ikano at about 9:30 p.m. We went Brands Outlet for a little shopping and crocs after that. Mag were very excited to introduced Ikea's meatballs to Dave. So we all decided in a whole to go for supper at Ikea. Mag end up buying only a damian cake and a cup of soft drinks, whereas, Dave and I got the 15 meatballs, 5 chicken wings and a bottle of mineral water. So much for a small supper. Dave is crazy! He complained to us about how little is the meatballs and they should serve more in a set. Mag and I struggle like mad lady trying to stuff 10 meatballs into us. Now, there he is complaining. We did actually plan to go The Curve after that, but it was too late.

In the end, Feliz and Teddy drove to Ikano and fetch Dave and us home. It was a short day, so Mag and I, well, CAN'T SLEEP. So I created a game called the "Truth & Lie". (this is because we can't play truth & dare, we were too lazy to move) It is a stupid but fun game. Most of the things that I've told Mag would scar her for life. (she will never eat at my house again!) We finally came into a mutual agreement that we should sleep (at around 3:30 a.m.) because we have to wake up at 8 a.m. tomorrow.

There goes Day 2...

Here comes 2010...

Grieving is all I could express right now, or maybe for the whole coming month. Although I have never thought of how "the day" would come. It can be illustrate in a blink of an eye or just a moment of rain in the desert.

I am happy for him. Proud of him. But I can't help myself by feeling sad. I know it would make it harder for him to go in peace. I feel terrible too. Deep down, a part in my heart keep telling me to stay strong. It is just a part of all the obstacle that we have to face in the future. Which are yet come.

If irrevocably is a irreversible word literally. I would still use it to describe my feelings towards him, without thinking about the consequences. I have always wished I have better vocabs. There is so many mix emotions in me that I have no words to portray.

Its the 1st day of 2010. I know I should not be posting sad story. Kinda lame right? The way I welcome 2010? Well for me it is a beginning of a horror, sorrow and empty nightmare. So its kind of hard for me to find a reason to celebrate. Sorry guys...

Make me INVISIBLE!

"I am so tired of being good! It is not me! I do not obey to certain rules! I am going to hell! HAPPY!!!!???? I don't care what you have to say! I don't care if you don't like it! I will be who you want me to be! I will never be the girl you wish your son falls in love with!"

Those are the words that are boiling in me... I want so much to scream it out! But those words are not true. I will still always try my best to impress you, to make you approve of me, to make you like me more... I wish i won't go to hell. I care about your opinion, and i wish one day i would live up to your expectations.

Why am i crying??? Why am i sad??? Why do i wish that i could do it all over again???
Because i am sad. Because i screw up again and again. Because i wish i would have a chance to be a better person.

That will never happen. Each time i break down and cry, i have to take all my strength to wipe off my tears and smile again. I have to tell myself that i have already did my best. I am who i am, and i have no reason to change myself to someone i don't want to be.

But for now, make me invisible... I don't wish the world to see me. I don't wish to see myself. I just want to hide and cry like a little girl....

D - Da - DaDa???????

I use to call my ex DaDa... Haha what a weird name but cute! Hehe.... I actually copy from a Singapore drama. I know it is weird and funny. Out of all the names and all the places to get a name. I choose a drama. But DaDa is nice. Meaning of the name : i got no idea.

Now i am trying to find a cute nickname for D! It would be kinda weird to call him D all the time and its not even cute or sweet. I call him bb or b most of the time, but that is so common. Almost every couple is calling their partner that. He call me hon and sweetheart... Its not really that common and its cute. So that's fine. But what else can i call him????

P.S. Don't ask me why am i so free to post this... I am just too free and i am use to writing things down to make me think better....

Nightmares....

Lately, i have been having nightmares about the same person. A person that i can't seem to understand why i feel such hate against.... Maybe it is because i never have a chance to know what actually happen. I have never have nightmares in my life. Because i consider nightmares as dreams that haunt you even after you are awake. Well this dream haunts me. Haunts me hard! I feel so weak. I don't want to feel weak. I don't want to feel that someone could take over me!

This would be the first time i ever so much wanted to curse someone in my blog. I wanted so much to yell out loud ''You brainless BIMBO!'' ''I might deserve the way you treat me, but you definitely do not deserve the way i treat you. The way i try so hard to remain patience with the words you use, the crappy attitude you have against me and the shameless accused you throw towards me.'' I know who i am. I know what i did in my past haunts me. But whatever! They hate me... They despise me.... They can say and do whatever they like... I know what i am doing now and there is nothing wrong about it. You can judge me all you want or you can scold me B**** again in facebook. To me they mean nothing but words that reflect the ones who say it...

P.S. Thanks to u SC i wanna be better... each time i feel so useless and suck-ish, i will think of you... You being better than me makes me wanna strangle myself. The picture of you will never leave my head. It would be a reminder!

25 / May / 2009

With everything going on in our relationship... He stills know how to make me smile whole day long.... I have never gotten flowers from anyone on just a normal day. I mean no one will just show up in front of me and say ''Hey, you were really down yesterday so i thought this might cheer you up a little.'' and follow by the flowers in his hands.

He was throwing stones at my window this morning while i am still asleep like a pig. And i thought it was some stupid birds making weird noises again. So i open up the curtains and look out the window. OMG! There he was looking up at me! The first thing that came to my mind was ''is my hair messy????''. Then i ran downstairs to get him. Haha... And there he was standing in front of my door with a smile on his face. (I am still sleepy) Suddenly, he gave those flowers to me. (although i am not much of a flowers fan but i am still a girl, i still like my boyfriend buying me flowers) Those flowers really wake me up! Hehe... Then we just spend almost 5 hours in my room watching Chuck, laughing, cuddling, eating and talking about our problems. Love you lots D3AR! MXX!!!

I suddenly miss him so much.... So i wrote this.....

''Sometimes the last person on earth you want to be with is the one person you can't live without.'' That sentence is from my favourite movie ''Pride and Prejudice''. 2 years ago i meet this guy... The 1st impression he gave me was CUTE!!!! (what can i think other than that??? I was only 16) I am already jealous the first time i saw him. He was with a friend of mine. Sobz.... Another cute boy gone.... But that time i was too in love with my ex-boyfriend that it doesn't really bother me long. Just a snap and i am back.

Half a year gone pass just like that.... I still remember how i use to yell at my girlfriends asking them to stop bothering me about him. Telling them and i quote '' I will never ever ever in my life be with him.''. Now look where i end up with???? Beside HIM!!!! Funny how all the stupid problem we have work out in the end. I have always hated his blurr-ness.... Wait! I still do sometimes. But i guess those blurr-ness of his has made him unique. And I LOVE HIM!!!!!

P.S Maggie, now you, Amanda and Punitha can rub it in my face....

Even though my love story is not as beautiful and memorable to everyone like ''Pride and Prejudice'' but i do have a love story of my own. No matter how imperfect it is, it is still mine. One and only. And i love it!

Life so far....

I wonder how is my life soon.... Haha what a weird question. Well Ann has started his form 6. In orientation but still is considered starting or started. Feliz with her A-levels (i think)(if that is what she is really doing). I am still home alone everyday. Sitting in front of my computer and just stare at it sometimes. Dave is still in NS. It will take another 3 more weeks till he is finally free. And when he is back, i am starting my class already.

It sucks being at home everyday. Knowing that you don't have a friend to go out with. Well in my case, i don't have any friends. Just me all alone by myself. As usual. Dave ask me to make more friends when my class starts. I am kinda having negative thoughts about it. I mean everything will just probably end up people hating me or not liking me. I guess i am just scared. Scared of having everything and losing it again like in high school. I have to keep telling myself that i am not in high school anymore. But the past still haunts me. That i can't deny.

It got me thinking that all the negative vibe have something to do with his ex-girlfriend. I was randomly checking all my pictures in facebook. Tagging those that i miss out. I found a picture of her, so i tag her. The next thing i get is a comment on my wall calling me an idiot and she asking me to stay off and it is her last warning to me. It hurts! Well technically i was furious. I mean i did nothing wrong. Maybe i was wrong for asking him to go with her and give it a try last time. (i should not have given that advice) Well as for now i am still furious. I don't deserve that!

P.S Yes, AGL, i was really surprise you did the tagging thing. LOL... I am sorry for tagging you to such thing that is just plain wasting your time.....

Weekend sleep over at Mag's house

THE slumber party is over..... I won't call it a slumber party though. Its more of a sleep over. Everything didn't went according to plan except the beach thing. Love that part! With the moon and sea breeze and Dave there... It is so prefect!

Desmond turn out to be really cool..... He don't talk much but he is kinda fun to hang around with. As usual, me and Mag are constantly crazy. Laughing for no specific reason. Like two lunatic. Haha!!! LOVE HER LOTZ!!!!! The cooking was fun. I went girly when it comes to cooking. Running away for the pan. As far as possible. Finally, Mag take over. Haiz.... pai sheh.... Des's squid was awesome.... Mag keep eating. Hide beside her and keep eating. Is her plan. I knew it! She don't want let me eat! SOBZ.... Her evil plan! The chicken soup was extremely salty! It is over my limit! Even i think it is salty.

Dave is so sick... He is burning when i went and see him. Gave him all the medicine but end up at night he eats McDonald with us. And he quote ''It is because lack of McDonald that make me sick. I should eat more! By tomorrow i am sure to be healthy''. I don't know how it happen. But the next day he is really fine. Fever is gone. It is so weird....... I wonder will that work for me.....?????

Over all it was fun and great... There is only two things that suck! 1st is at night. Can't sleep for 2 whole night!!!! 2nd is something very sensitive..... I rather not say... Only people there with me would know. Mag would be the most understanding 1. Because even she can't stand it.... LOLZ.....

Slumber Party!

Mother's Day is coming.... I haven't got a clue of what i wanna get for my mom. I am super dead! Dave is another problem. He haven't even thought of Mother's Day yet. I am so screwed!

So...slumber party this weekend at Mag's house. Wow! It is going to be great. I mean Mag, Des, me, Dave, Phoebe and Ivan is going to be there. Is going to be so fun. Until i got a call from Mag telling me that her friend feel awkward about me being there. That hurts! Why does all this things always happen??? And Ivan don't even like the idea that i am around. More hurt! Ouch! Maybe i should not go... But i know that will just piss Mag off more. She is already piss like crap now. I don't wanna make things worse. I just hope things would turn out fine.... If only i could do something to make it better. Love you Maggie! Mxx!!!!

Diploma or Foundation????? / Aussie or my BaBy????

My goodness....my life is so bored!!!! I have nothing to blog about... Can you imagine how meaningless and BORING my life could be???? Mum is messing with my brain again about college. Why must she always do that??? I wanted foundation and i applied for it and got diploma. Wah lah! Her wish came true since she has always wanted me to take diploma instead of foundation. Fine! I finally set my mind on diploma. Then CRAP! She started asking me about foundation. Now i am so freaking confuse.... Forget it! I am going to take diploma in MMU, Melaka then off i go to KL for degree at some other college. By the time i finish my diploma i would be 20. Great time for me to fight for my rights!

Now another headache, Aussie or BaBy???? Aussie my dream. BaBy my love. Damn this SUCKS! Why must everything happen on the same week?????????????? I could have had both... But NOOOOOOOO!!!! I have to choose. Why??? Because life is unfair! They take you on an awesome ride then before you know it, YOU ARE THROWING UP! Well anyway, my choice is stay in mlk. I will have another chance next time. (i guess) Well if i don't, then DAVID TEO KIAN HAN, YOU HAVE TO BRING ME!!!!!!!!

I doubt myself....

He doubt me... I understand that. I doubt myself too. But i don't want to be doubt. Somehow i guess that won't happen. I would be doubt by him or others... Because of what i have done in my pass.... I don't know how to face him now. I am not answering his calls. I miss him very much. But i don't wanna talk to him. I miss his voice and hugs terribly but i don't wanna see him. There is a part in me that is so dominant of wanting to make him not doubt me anymore.... I want to prove to him. I am not to be doubt anymore. I don't want to see him. I want him to see me. To see what i am doing. To see what i am now, what i am going to be.... I don't want him to doubt me......

A partially broken friendship....

For a person that doesn't really believe in God. I am definitely being bless with lots of things. I don't know whether i should be happy or sad or frustrated or ANYTHING. She mean a lot to me. I have already almost lost a sister. I don't wish to lose another. Both of them have walk me through lots of crappy and silly stuff in my life. But i don't really care about how crappy and silly those moments are. I just remember that they are there. No matter what. Laughing, crying, hugging and even cursing together. Who cares what people think right?? When you have the most important people in your life holding your hands and walk you through it.

My elder sister is a great person. A bit temper of course. (who doesn't have) But she is still great. She might not have all the experience in life. And might not always know what to advice me when i come to her with the most weirdest and childish problem. But she is still there, just holding the phone and listen to me cry. Listen to me complain about my so-call-pathetic life. It just make me feel so stupid thinking back. Haha...

My little sister is a ....... CRAZY girl. Me and her have a more complicated relationship than me and my elder sister. We have been schoolmate since primary school. We are not really good friends then. Everything started at Form 3. She is not the most prefect sister. You might even have a huge headache talking to her sometimes. (she can eat your mind) Haha.... She might have also like some really unsuitable guys in the past. But that doesn't matter. No one is prefect. Not even me. I have made some really stupid mistake of mine too. The point is, she has been a really awesome sister to me. When i am sad, i call her, i will cry. But she don't give a damn. Nothing can make her stop saying silly things just to make me smile and laugh like hell. She would go at any length to make me not sane and just go crazy and remind me what my propose in life is. Live life to the fullest everyday.

Three of us have gone through many obstacle in our friendship. We sometimes get influence by what others says and we did something that hurt our friendship. A year ago, something very unpleasant happen. I am not blaming anyone for what that has happen.Because that would not do any good. The incident have shaken our friendship. And now it is partially broken. My elder sister is trying to find herself on her own. I respect that and i know we all have to go through that stage in our life somehow. My little sister, she is facing college. It is tough but i know she can hang in there. She will blend in. But that is also probably the most scariest thing i am facing right now. She will blend in. I don't want to say much. in case i offend anyone. I just wish history does not repeat the THIRD time....

P.S The comment really stunned me. It caught me off guard. I thought you know me. Out of all the people.....

As promise and more....

This is the result after.... Ok ok....it might not be the same day. But at least u can see him "bald".

This is before we went in the salon.....

As promise pictures taken from A'Famosa.... Sorry it took so long..... Very lazy lately....
And some are just random..... Showing people how "bald" is David now.....

Just updating

I have just receive the offer letter from MMU the other day.... I feel so suck-ish... I applied for foundation but i guess i am just to stupid so they put me down to diploma... I really dont want to go for diploma.... It make me feel so unqualified for foundation.... But i talk to a friend today and he encourage me to go for diploma..... I can still work my way up from there.... Just have to be more hardworking.... Well then, thanks to him... I have decided that i will stick to diploma.... I am fortunate enough to have a chance to study. So i should not be so picky.... I mean it is my own fault for getting such horrible result.... I have myself to blame for everything....

David leave for NS again today. After few days of MC from NS due to his gastric..... Really want him to be back and dont have to go again.... But instead i just pray hard that he will be fine and stay healthy. Thats all that matter.... I will wait.... It is only 2 months and a few weeks left.... (Oi! I sound so pathetic!) Time will go fast.... Nothing to worry about..... He will be back and this time i hope (please GOD!!! Let us finish that level) we can finish HOTD4.... We are always so close..... Err.....hate it!

11/03/2009 Wednesday

I am so broke.... Thought of staying home with him... Wash the car, go swimming and maybe to the mall for a walk... Window shopping... Woken up at 6:13 a.m by his call... Shockingly telling me that he is outside my house.... Went for a walk around my taman with him... Then fetch my cousin (June) to school at 7 a.m. Went for breakfast after that... Came home.... So boring.... So wanna go swimming.... Went all the way to Tiara Resort but the workers there say it only open at 1 p.m... So sad... SOBZ.... It was only 11:30 a.m that time.... Went back home to my taman to swim.... Worse!!! Open only at 3:30 p.m. Sobbing and cursing all the way back home.... At 12:30 p.m., I got so crazy and just start packing my stuff and tell him "Lets go Water World!" And surprisingly he answer back "Ok, why not??" Funny thing about all this is that both of us got no idea how to get there.... Haha.... Thank god we bought a map that day.... Get in the car and start searching for the roads.... At 1.15 p.m., we reach and bought the ticket for RM35. (So freaking expensive for a place that dirty and crappy) But over all it is ok.... (i guess) Oh ya, the ticket include a set lunch... Ok, lets not talk about what i ate.... I will post the picture as soon as possible...

Came back home at 5:30 p.m. And the rest of the day is pretty much being ruin by both of our parents..... Sigh*

Random...???

I love this picture so much.... when we are crazy together....

My sister... She is always the best in those woo-hoo things!!! Hehe...

Me and my bro.... Love him lots....

After movies with him and my friends... Isnt he cute??? Best guy in the world o....