Did I do it wrong again? Cuz it feels like it. I am tired.

Make me INVISIBLE!

"I am so tired of being good! It is not me! I do not obey to certain rules! I am going to hell! HAPPY!!!!???? I don't care what you have to say! I don't care if you don't like it! I will be who you want me to be! I will never be the girl you wish your son falls in love with!"

Those are the words that are boiling in me... I want so much to scream it out! But those words are not true. I will still always try my best to impress you, to make you approve of me, to make you like me more... I wish i won't go to hell. I care about your opinion, and i wish one day i would live up to your expectations.

Why am i crying??? Why am i sad??? Why do i wish that i could do it all over again???
Because i am sad. Because i screw up again and again. Because i wish i would have a chance to be a better person.

That will never happen. Each time i break down and cry, i have to take all my strength to wipe off my tears and smile again. I have to tell myself that i have already did my best. I am who i am, and i have no reason to change myself to someone i don't want to be.

But for now, make me invisible... I don't wish the world to see me. I don't wish to see myself. I just want to hide and cry like a little girl....

The TORTURE behind the word APPROVAL

I am not asking much. I just wants approval. But i guess that day won't come. Not now nor in the future. I always wonder why my friends would want to change themselves just for some stupid approval from someone. I still remember when they come and ask me about what to do. I would always tell them to be themselves. Because in the end what you think of yourself is the most important. You might be pretending to be someone better. But you are not happy. So why do it???

I finally gets it. Wanting an approval from someone important is such a torture. Because you will never feel like you are good enough. You want to know badly about what they think about you. But when you found out that it wasn't what you wish it would be. It crushes you into a million pieces. Then you hide your true feelings inside and trying your very best to pick up those pieces again. When you finally got the strength to come out from your shell, it strikes you again.

That is how i feel right now. Never good enough. I am sorry i did not live up to their expectation. But i will not change. I might scold bad words, done wild and wrong things in my past, not those goody goody girls and etc. But that is who i am. I just wish if they would one day accept me. It is for who i am and not who i pretend to be.

I doubt myself....

He doubt me... I understand that. I doubt myself too. But i don't want to be doubt. Somehow i guess that won't happen. I would be doubt by him or others... Because of what i have done in my pass.... I don't know how to face him now. I am not answering his calls. I miss him very much. But i don't wanna talk to him. I miss his voice and hugs terribly but i don't wanna see him. There is a part in me that is so dominant of wanting to make him not doubt me anymore.... I want to prove to him. I am not to be doubt anymore. I don't want to see him. I want him to see me. To see what i am doing. To see what i am now, what i am going to be.... I don't want him to doubt me......

I care too much......

I am not shock of what you are saying. But i am stunned. You are living in your own world. I never tell anyone about the relationship. Not just you. They ask i answer. They never ask i say nothing. Is just that simple. You posted a comment on his page. I assume you know. I am sorry that would my fault. I should not have assume. You promise something to me. And as usual, you never keep it. Is not his fault that you think i am a fake to you. So why drag him in???? I do care for you. You got no idea how many people just ask me to stop caring so much about you. But never listen. I guess i have to bare with the result now....

Confused????

I really hate to see my classmate at my working place.... Is not that i dont want to see them.... I am happy to see them... Is just that i always look invisible to most of them.... I try to make myself understand and except it but its just so hard because the truth is i have never done anything to them....

1st girl _ AGL - I have never done anything to you... I have already talk to him less after he is your bf.... I never even touch him.... Dont even dare to talk to him alone... I pull up my skirt up to my knee in class because i am hot!!! Not to show off my legs or trying to be horny.... And fyi, no one wants to see!!!! Your bf hit my car, so why are you giving me that face???? I am not even blaming him or you... You just hate me.... FOR WHAT!!!????

2nd girl _ MCL - I want to say "GET A LIFE".... But that is too harsh. So....why are you doing this???? Izzit just because one of your best friend is my ex, one of your ex is my ex or one of you "bro" is my ex???? You are the one spreading rumours and talking horrible crap behind my crap.... And in the end you are the one that hate me?????

3rd girl _ JY - Halo???? Do we even know each other that well??? We have never spoken to each other more than 10 words???? As a matter affect i dont even think we know each other more than our name.... Out of no where you just decided that you should hate me??? That you can throw the plate of food you are suppose to serve me.... ??????

4th girl _ AGLN - Omg...this is more weird.... I dont even know where to start.... I think of your name and i am just speechless.....