UNDER PROBATION!

Have you ever tried waking up staring at your computer screen and couldn't believe what you are looking at and wondering should you go hang yourself on the spot or just go back to sleep? In my case, I was leading to the sleeping zone but I did not manage to put my head back down to my pillow due to increasing death thoughts in my mind. So physically I was heading to sleep but mentally I was secretly hoping for death.

My result is bad.... REAL BAD! It is so bad that I am under probation. (the price I have to pay for enjoying in Genting) Now I have to drop two subject out of the 6 I am suppose to be taking this trimester. Will I end up graduating later than the rest of my classmates??? (not including Joyesh ~i hope) This SUCK! Worst of all is that I have no 1 to blame but myself! WHY!!!???? Why am I so dumb????!!!

Entering afternoon did not make my day better. I have to sit through Financial Accounting class under serious heat. There is no air-condition and there is only 1 stupid stand fan that doesn't turn. Thank goodness it ended in an hour. Went to SPB trying to bump into David but unsuccessful. Since I am currently out of credit, I couldn't contact him. I have to get my credit, and to students of MMU, they know that the only place to get credit in MMU is at Plaza Siswa using that stupid Kodak machine. (you will know why I call it stupid soon) It has always been a stupid machine but today it might just reach it maximum point of stupidity. We are suppose to get a receipt after we put in the money and done all the other procedures. For me today, I did not get mine! Why am I so mad over a receipt is because the top-up code is suppose to be on that receipt! Then I kind of trick a guy in buying a top-up without telling him my story. I know I shouldn't have done that but I can't help it. I was hot and sweating and wondering whether is there class or not later and my result and under probation. To be short, I was under tremendous stress! So there you go, I have cause that guy a RM 10 top-up. Although I have to say I don't feel guilty at all.

I forgot....

I forgot when was the last time you called me just because you miss my voice,
I forgot when was the last time you called me just because you were thinking about me,
I forgot when was the last time you called me just to say hi,
I forgot when was the last time you called me to say good night without me telling you to do so,
I forgot when was the last time you called me just because you suddenly have a hunch that I am sad,
I forgot when was the last time you called me just because you wanted to,
I forgot when the last time we talked for hours on the phone was,
I forgot when was the last time you stay up just to hear me cry because I am sad,
I forgot when was the last time I had fun with you when we go out,

But…

I remember when the last time I cried alone in my room was,
I remember when the last time I wanted you to called so badly that it hurt so much,
I remember when was the last time I stare at the phone whole day wondering when are you going to call or message me,
I remember when was the last time I wanted us to hang out happily,
I remember when was the last time I called you at night because I was too tired waiting for you to call,
I remember when was the last time I waited hours for you to reply my message,
I remember when was the last time I felt so tired of all these that I wanted to quit,


I look at each day pass wondering where this relationship is heading. Then I realise I am going down the same road as I was last time that leads me here. I don’t want to go back that road. If this continues, I am sorry if I have to go… I just don’t want to be the only person who cares or show that she cares in a relationship. I am so tired to be that person! I know how much it would kill me if I leave you, I can already feel the pain by even thinking about the days without you. But I am sorry I can’t do this either. It is a dead-end either way. I have reached the relationship dead-end lots of times, so this time, I want to go for my own. Even if its hurts more…

6 – September – 2009 ~ Sunday 12.08 am

I will always keep my promise. All the promise I remembered I will keep! I said before that I will
not spoil your fun or interrupt you when you are out with your brother or your friends. I
promised you that before, so I will keep it! But I hate it so much that each time when you go out
with them you neglect me. You said you care about me, I believe you. But your actions doesn’t
seem like you care. You messaged me and ask me why am I so moody, I say I m fine. Then you
tell me that you don’t believe me, I still reply you that I am fine. Then you said I am lying. I said
you are busy, you should go, but you say “NO! I don’t want! I want to message you!”. Then I
said no need. Then you just disappear! You never reply at all. You call that care!

6 – September – 2009 ~ Sunday 12.08 am

I can’t sleep. I can’t even stay normal. A part of me wants to yell at you in a message! Another
part of me say no, because I promised you and I have to keep it. Another part of me is going
crazy inside! I know if I don’t tell you how I feel now, I will never fall asleep. There is a problem,
if I do take up the courage to call or message you. I have no idea what to say. What to tell you?
Why do I feel this way? Why am I crying? I don’t know. But I just want to tell you! I am going
mad! I can’t do this any more!

"Hungover"

I fought with him last night, or should i say 4 in the morning. I am so worried about him. I keep wondering what is he thinking, what is he doing, is he sad, is he angry, is he suffering, is he feeling sick, is he... is he... is he...! So many questions running through my brain like a waterfall flowing down non stop. I wish he would tell me the truth about his feelings. I wish that last night didn't happened. I couldn't say who's fault was it, because both of us is kinda in the wrong. And the situation he is in just makes it worst. Whats more hurtful, is that now his brother and friends thinks i am bothering him all the time. Which i don't!

Waking up, knowing there is people thinking bad about you and your parents just start going crazy on you when you see them in the morning, is like waking up from a hungover. I am just so lifeless... Walking around without directions. My brain is about to explode due to millions of questions stuck in it. I am having a kind of feeling that i have no idea how to describe. Is like there is something draining out my soul from my body but i can't figure it out, what is it that is doing it! That feeling is so helpless. I know something is not right with me but i can't do anything to make it better....

So sick and tired!

Everyone, a promise is a promise! Try your very best to keep it! Don't tell me shit like, a promise is meant to be broken! If its meant to be broken, then why made it in the first place.

If you care about someone, you would go through length to find out about her. Even when she doesn't answer your call or reply your messages. You would go Facebook to check on her status, you would go her blog to find out about her life. And not just complain about the fact the she leaves you! FUCK YOU! Suck it up would you! Stop saying you know nothing, when people is practically showing you everything you need to know! Just admit the fact that you are just so FUCKING LAZY to go and find out!

M3 and my pathetic friendless life...

Every where i turn in my class, i see groups of people. There is Chinese group, Malay group, Indian group, emo group, smart group and etc... Then i realise something, i am sitting in the middle of all the groups. ALONE! All by myself. I have known that this would happen the moment i stepped into my class 2 months ago. I guess i have been denying it all this time. But now i realise i would never fit in to any of those groups. Not that i am picky. Is just that i am so crazy-weirdly-different from all of them. The way i see things, the way i speak, the way i through life, the things i do, the right and wrong i think, is just so different from all of them.

Its sad, you know... How i go to class alone, go back alone, at home alone again, go out only with my boyfriend. Is like i don't have a life at all. Even married woman don't do that! I have no friends to go shopping with, hang out, talk about silly stuff, sleepover and etc. All i do whole day at home is either sleep or online. I sound so BLOODY BORING!

M3 and my paranoid self....

One of the scariest things i learn in a relationship is JEALOUSY! It ruins everything! It is a feeling that just tend to stuck in your mind. That is not the worst part, it suck out your senses to which make you go all paranoid and crazy... A very horrible and torturing feeling.

That is what i am going through now. I can't help it. It is so hard to restrain myself from feeling jealous. I know i have no rights from what i have done. But that feeling is just there. I don't want to tell him what to do and what not to do. I don't want to control him. I don't want to turn into one of those crazy freaks girlfriend that go all woo-hoo at their boyfriend. That is not me and never will be me!

So can someone or anyone tell me how???!!! How can i stop feeling this way???? Stop being so paranoid, angry and sad...

Make me INVISIBLE!

"I am so tired of being good! It is not me! I do not obey to certain rules! I am going to hell! HAPPY!!!!???? I don't care what you have to say! I don't care if you don't like it! I will be who you want me to be! I will never be the girl you wish your son falls in love with!"

Those are the words that are boiling in me... I want so much to scream it out! But those words are not true. I will still always try my best to impress you, to make you approve of me, to make you like me more... I wish i won't go to hell. I care about your opinion, and i wish one day i would live up to your expectations.

Why am i crying??? Why am i sad??? Why do i wish that i could do it all over again???
Because i am sad. Because i screw up again and again. Because i wish i would have a chance to be a better person.

That will never happen. Each time i break down and cry, i have to take all my strength to wipe off my tears and smile again. I have to tell myself that i have already did my best. I am who i am, and i have no reason to change myself to someone i don't want to be.

But for now, make me invisible... I don't wish the world to see me. I don't wish to see myself. I just want to hide and cry like a little girl....

To : W.S

If i am wrong about you then i am sorry... But you can't really blame me for what i think about you. It is from what ever you have shown me. If you say i know nothing about the truth, then show me the truth. Show me that you are not that person in that post. Show and prove to me that i am wrong. I don't mind being wrong. I wish i am wrong. You are my friend and also a person that i have like before. What makes you think i want the worse for you??? What makes you think i would want to trash about you for no reason at all??? If you think it is because of my anger to you about what happen last time, then you are wrong. I am not angry. I was sad and hurt, that's all. I have never thought of revenge. Never thought of hurting you back.

P.S. It is not her fault. Please stop blaming her. She did nothing wrong. She might be childish to tell me, but she is just finding a way to release all those pain and sadness. I am the one judging you. I am the one who wrote that post. So please, don't scold or hate her for it. She don't deserve it.

Your time will come....

I suddenly have the urge of writing this post after going through her profile... You are SO FAKE! (I don't mean her... it is meant for someone else) How can you do this??? After so many times??? Don't you think you are the childish one??? WAIT! I ask the wrong question. It should be, do you have a heart made of stone??? Do you have any idea how many pain and agony she is going through??? All you think of is yourself. When you are not happy, you just walk away. When you are done playing ''outside'', you come back begging as if you have done nothing wrong.

You made those choices yourself. You choose her over me. You went back to her even after how many flings you have, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. You are in university now. Why can't you just settle down with her???

1. If you say she is childish then why go with her at the first place??? Don't start creating excuses that you don't know at the beginning. For God sake! You have been tormenting her feelings since she started form 1! You out of all people should have known better!

2. You told her that all you want to do now is to concentrate on your studies... For me those are all bulls*** talk! What are you doing in a club then???

3. You said what's over is over. Then why do you always come crawling back... S**KER!

4. STOP black mailing her! She is not your puppet! If you are so brave to say everything out, then go ahead! Why are you still hesitating??? Giving her a chance? CRAP! You are just as coward as ever! Deep down, you don't have any guts to do anything!

5. Lastly, you better stop while you can... Everything you do now would destroy you in the future. I have a very good feeling that you are going to suffer way more than what ever me and her have suffered.

P.S. To the ''she'', you have no idea what you are getting yourself into... I wish the best of luck to you...

To : Phoebe

I don't really know you. I have only met you once. The first and the last time we met, we did not even have time to talk to each other. I must say i am sorry, because i did judge you last time. I am very sorry i did so. But for me now, you and i are just two victims that have just walk out from the dark side of a relationship.

Cry all you want. Curse all you want. Eat all you want. Scream all you want. Be emo all you want. After that, stand up straight and have confident in yourself. Then dare yourself to walk down the love road again... It is not a scary road. Your true love is some where out there, but some times you have to go and find it yourself. What i am trying to say is, let all these be the past, remember them and don't make the same mistakes again... Mag and i trust that you can do it!

I care too much......

I am not shock of what you are saying. But i am stunned. You are living in your own world. I never tell anyone about the relationship. Not just you. They ask i answer. They never ask i say nothing. Is just that simple. You posted a comment on his page. I assume you know. I am sorry that would my fault. I should not have assume. You promise something to me. And as usual, you never keep it. Is not his fault that you think i am a fake to you. So why drag him in???? I do care for you. You got no idea how many people just ask me to stop caring so much about you. But never listen. I guess i have to bare with the result now....

A post that meant to be for myself....

I am not saying that no one understand what i am going through.... But understanding and being on the spot is two very different thing... My brain and my everything is craving for attention now... I want attention surround me non-stop.... And those attention would lead to hurt for other people... I should not be jealous. In fact i have no rights to be jealous... If i really am jealous, then i should better isolate myself from the world... From everything!!!! But i cant. I cant stop seeking for attention that i dont deserve... That was not mine to have... How do i stop??? I wanna blame someone for all the mess i am creating here... But i cant. Because it is no one's fault. It is just my own stinking rubbish... A huge pile of rubbish in my head that i cant seem to get rid off... I wanna quit my job, run up to KL and work for my aunt, hide up there as long as possible while waiting for college to start. Finally get into college and settle down. Throw myself into a pile of homework or whatever assignment. Maybe that time all the books could help my get through this stupid and pathetic stage in my life... And again, i cant. I have made a commitment that i would work till the end of April. If i quit now, i would create a lot of trouble. Running up to KL is not going to solve anything at all. I probably create more mess-up situations. Sigh* Why dont i have a brain that work properly??? A brain, body and heart that communicate in a directly proportional way???

Last Supper.....

Hate it when a small misunderstand makes people hate me... What have i done again??? I have explain everything and what i really mean to say.... Why does she still hate me???? There goes another friend.... Well i dont even think she even thought me as one before.... Haiz... I still have face her everyday.... So i guess the LAST SUPPER that night at Jonny's would be the end of all the awesome memories i have.... Sobbing away now... Just read her blog... I dont know if she mean me or not... But i just assume because its pretty obvious....

Confused????

I really hate to see my classmate at my working place.... Is not that i dont want to see them.... I am happy to see them... Is just that i always look invisible to most of them.... I try to make myself understand and except it but its just so hard because the truth is i have never done anything to them....

1st girl _ AGL - I have never done anything to you... I have already talk to him less after he is your bf.... I never even touch him.... Dont even dare to talk to him alone... I pull up my skirt up to my knee in class because i am hot!!! Not to show off my legs or trying to be horny.... And fyi, no one wants to see!!!! Your bf hit my car, so why are you giving me that face???? I am not even blaming him or you... You just hate me.... FOR WHAT!!!????

2nd girl _ MCL - I want to say "GET A LIFE".... But that is too harsh. So....why are you doing this???? Izzit just because one of your best friend is my ex, one of your ex is my ex or one of you "bro" is my ex???? You are the one spreading rumours and talking horrible crap behind my crap.... And in the end you are the one that hate me?????

3rd girl _ JY - Halo???? Do we even know each other that well??? We have never spoken to each other more than 10 words???? As a matter affect i dont even think we know each other more than our name.... Out of no where you just decided that you should hate me??? That you can throw the plate of food you are suppose to serve me.... ??????

4th girl _ AGLN - Omg...this is more weird.... I dont even know where to start.... I think of your name and i am just speechless.....

Triumph That Hurts!

Triumph is usually something happy to celebrate about... But what if the triumph that you get is by cheating and lying your way through everything to get it... Does it have meaning anymore if thinking it back??? Should the winner be smiling or sobbing??? Should he/she be proud or ashamed of their winning??? Come to think of it... Is winning that important??? If by being a winner hurts the people you love and most importantly people that love you, izzit still worth it??? How can a person define triumph in a way that no one would get hurt??? In a war, either one of the opponent wins there will always still be blood pouring. In a relationship, if you finally get to be with the person you love, there will still always be someone else that love that person crying off the pain of losing.... In examination, being the 1st in class is a winning that everyone dream for... but there again will always be someone crying for their lost.

I have been a very selfish and manipulative person... Wait! I still am. I have always lie and cheat my way to getting what i want... It sometimes matter to me how others feel but usually i am just so blinded by all the things that i would get that i forget how it would hurts anymore. The most ashamed action that i have ever made in my life is not lying to the people i love. Its lying to the people that loves me... Because i dont deserve any of their loves... With all the things i have done, i should be left alone all by myself to suffer for my actions. My addictions to winning is so strong that now when i sit down and think about it... It does not even make any sense to me anymore.... Cuz the funny thing is, are those even winnings???? If those are, then where is all the medals and trophys??? I dont see any... I dont think i even have any. If i do i should throw and burn all of it. Cuz there is nothing proud to be showing them off.

The truth is i have always been the loser... I have lost the trust of many people and friends... I have lost so many things just to get one... So i am the loser... A blind loser.... An addict...

Pain that i should feel?????

Everyone is irritated.... YEAH!!!! What a great news???!!! I can finally get rid of him....

I guess those are the words that i would say 6 months ago... Now i am just so confused and stuck in between all my thoughts. He is a great friend. But i guess everyone around me just see me as using him. M i??? Maybe i am.... He said something to me that day that makes me wonder for myself... He said "Everyone is too close to you, you have never really trully lose someone you love". Come to think of it, i have to agree with him that is kinda true. But how would i ever learn and know how it feels?? I cant just ask someone i love to leave me.... I WONT!!! That is just plain stupid! I am not saying i m so eager for someone i love to leave me just for me to feel that way... Dont get me wrong...

Haiz....i think i should just let thing flow... Go its own way... Eventually things will fall into places.... A part of my heart wish that i would not have to learn how it feels.... But there will always be a day.....

Dissapointed....

I guess i should have known what her choice would be.... I have been very stupid to get myself tangle up in all this for nothing... I have made him a enemy.... Everyone around me calling me stupid for doing that for her... She is just a girl i have never known in my life... Why must i care so much???? Stupid me...!!!! What was i thinking??? Trying to safe her??? Who am i to be that noble???? I should have let it be... I should have stand my ground like how i have choose to do at first. I should have stay away when he warn me to.

P.S Mei...(if you still treat me as a jie la) i know you have made your choice. I will be honest... I am dissapointed and very unhappy about your choice. But as i promise, whatever you choose i will support you and i wont break my promise. Just try to be more careful and if you have faith in yourself that you can change him, then good luck....

Moving on...

For a week, i have been thinking about what a loser i am. Losing to a 16 year old girl. Its killing me... Sobbing and torturing myself every minutes with the thought of what that has happen... Now that things has gone better. I start to think more clearly. Thinking it another way... I have never lost neither i have ever win... I just simply move on with my life... Eventhough we are still friends... I dont know how i would keep this up. What i know is that i have learn 2 be brave enough to face whatever that will be waiting for me... Because i believe the 5 years i spend in high school have thought a lot of things...

He is now with another girl... I was angry at first.. But i dont know why after talking to the girl i am not angry anymore... I actually feel kinda good.... I dont feel that sad and grumpy anymore.... She is sweet i think... I dont really get to know her. Eventhough i hope i have the chance to...but i dont know the reason to that...

All i can feel and tell everyone around me now, is that i m so numb towards all the feelings around me. That i just want to stop at a moment and rest..... Well i hope he would treat her better this time and dont cheat on her again... For some reason, i dont feel that she deserve it...

I think i still like him but as the same way as i like one of my ex.... I noe it very clearly that they have just simply left a mark there in my heart. And thatz all i need to know. I wont and i will not ask for more...

Stuck!

Crap...I m so piss at myself for caring and thinking about it so much... Why cant i just leave it and move on??? Itz not that hard... I just need 2 put a foot in front and take all my courage and continue moving forward... Its so weird.. Me working almost everyday but somehow there will be a moment i will stare into blank space and start thinking about it again... Haiz.....

Another he... always there asking me to move on... I want to listen. I try to listen. And i have put all my effort in doing it... He just dont seem to see it. But i m just to lazy to explain anymore..