Learn steps

I miss her. It took me 24 years to realize that my family have been there all along. My mom might not have known who I am all this time or even who I really am now. But having to just listen to her voice makes some part of my day better. I know where I am now. I know that no one can pull me up from this fall other than myself. I know that each day, there will be new pain coming in. The pain of seeing him fine or the pain of just seeing him. Memories will slip in and I will fall again. There is something that my mom told me today, "What has happened is already a fact. There is nothing you can do about it. You can keep looking back. You can keep going back to that moment. You can keep reliving that memory over and over again. You can look at your faults and his faults and go round and round on that merry-go-round. You can keep telling yourself what you could have done and what he could have done. What he could have change and how you could have acted to get the exact result that you wanted. Either way, what is done is done. What is said is said. It's time to move on. It time to fix now. Whatever now is. If it is you that is broken, then fix yourself. Letting go is hard, but once you do, you will see how everything will be much happier." This coming from my mom was especially hard to hear. Because all this time, I have always thought that they have not let go and I am the one who have been fine. Boy am I wrong! They have seen a better part of things way before I have. I was so blinded. I have seen my parents fought. My mom cried. My dad yelled. I still remember me preparing for their divorce. Its true, I have no idea what my parents have been thru to get this far.

I give relationship advises to people all the time. Talking about honesty. Talking about pain. Talking about knowing when to let go. Talking about how I have been there and done that. The irony in my actions is way too much. So here I am again. Eating my own words. Eating my own advise. 

The "adult" thinking

So here we are again. I would thought that this kind of sh*t is behind me. I guessed not. So what is it? In order for people to like me, I have to act not like myself. I should act like a snob adult that I hate so much because that is what expected of me at my age. To act all high and mighty and a know it all. A girl that carry herself with all that freaking expectation that society is so-called branding it as sexist and insensitive.

Please do not get me wrong. I get that everyone is a freaking hypocrite when it comes to certain part in life. Well I guess this is the only part that I never really get. Something drove me to it 3 years ago. I was so sick and tired of being treated like a kid and not being viewed as an adult just because I am different. I rebelled and became someone and be with someone that make me hate that side of myself so much. Just to prove a freaking point. I would have thought that I already got a grasp of it by now.

What am I doing that is so wrong? I am not ranting about how I am not wrong. I am really seriously curious. Am I doing something wrong? Am I really suppose to act like someone I am not just so everyone will take me seriously? Is ironic how the world keep telling you to be yourself but this kind of sh*t happens so often.

This should not bother me as much as it used to. I will never get used to this isn't it? This will ALWAYS bother me isn't it? #fml

That pit in stomach feeling

I am living in constant confusion now. I have no idea if I am thinking too much or is this feeling real. I have never felt this way so constant before. I keep telling myself I am thinking way too much but am I? Or are my feelings real? 

Last time if I were to feel this way, I would say something or do something about it. This time I am just fill with fears. Afraid of saying what is on my mind because someone would just shake it off and says that I am thinking way too much. But how if I am not? How if what I am feeling is real? How if all this stomach pit feelings are real? 

I find myself not being able to talk to anyone. I just have to figure this out all by myself then. :( 

One step at a time

It has been an eventful year so far. Many things has happened literally and emotionally. I ran. I gave up. I fell. I think I got back up. Till now, till today. Literally less than 48 hours before I sit for my last paper (hopefully) in degree, being 23 years old, ended an almost 3 years relationship in the name of sudden epiphany on life, stumbling into a deep unknown hole of messy emotions and trying to figure out what the F to do next. I still feel like I am not equipped for the world. 

Learnt a very good lesson last weekend while climbing up a wall. I have always failed in that. Always giving half way because I got too afraid of falling, which I did by the way for the 2nd wall. In total of 3 walls to climb, the 1st was scary by easy. Told myself to get it over with and just climb as fast as I could. Not to think of what will happen or what MIGHT happen. Just keep climbing and hit that freaking button. Failed to climb the 2nd wall because I was too afraid. To be honest, I cannot think of why I gave up. What was I so afraid of? Falling? - Not really. There is a man holding the rope down there. Tired? - Well which wall and climb isn't? I have no idea. I just keep saying I couldn't and gave up. I just gave up. Typical me. 

The 3rd wall. The wall that made sit here and write this post. The wall that has made me question myself about the past, present and future decisions. I almost gave up again for the 3rd wall. I mean I was literally hanging there in front of all the pass byers that were staring up at me, the guy holding the rope looking frustrated and laughing at the same time because he has probably seen this scenario like a million times (I mean who can blame him. I would probably do the same thing if I was in his position) and finally, Caleo looking up at me. Cheering on at the same time, telling me to just keep trying but not in a pushy way that makes me wanna rip his face off. He just keep saying, "One more step. Just one more. Look up. You are so close." and me fighting back as always with my super negativity, "No its not! It is so far! I am already half way. I can't do this. I'm slipping." Then again, I am still hanging there. Refusing to let go. Refusing to admit defeat with me continuing to blab about how I couldn't do it. Yes, I was being a bitch. How he could be so patient with me? I have no idea. At that moment I did not know what hit me. Maybe it was the constant stare pressure that I was getting from the crowd or the man holding onto my life being annoyed or maybe it is just him telling me to just take another step. I took it. The next step became slightly easier and the next one and the next one and the next one after that. Then I look up and there it is, the bell that I have to ring. I rang it and thought to myself, "That wasn't so bad." It was not bad at all. In fact it hit me harder than I thought it would. I end up questioning life till now. Funny how something so simple and out of the blue can make you wonder about everything in your life. It was by far the best date EVER. It did not start as planned and there were glitches in between but it was the best. 

There is nothing I could do about my past or change it in any way but I could learn from it. I have been running way too much. I have been giving up way too often. Giving up whenever I hit an obstacle that tires me. As for the future, it is probably the most fearful thing in my mind now. It does not matter if its in relationship or my own life. I do not dare to look ahead because I do not know what is in store for me. Mostly because relationship wise seems pretty scary to me now. l have created a demon in that but that is a whole other story. In the present, I have been making too much excuses and at the same time think way too far in such a ridiculous level that I am driving myself crazy and it is beginning to ruin thing or relationship that I should appreciate around me. So now each time when I find myself losing it, I would take a deep breath and tell myself to take one step at a time. With the past that I cannot change and the future that I cannot control, all I have is now and I cannot afford to lose present too. 

A lesson from above

I find myself looking up at Him again. He always have his way of making me understand how does it feel when I do certain things to certain people. It does not mean it is bad. Just how it would felt like to be on the other side. To feel and go thru the same situation as it before. Only this time, I am sad about it. Because I have been a horrible person. Horrible enough to have put someone thru something so painful and hard. The only different is now I don't know how this would end. Hopefully not as how mine was but still, it scares me just thinking about it. 

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the lesson. 

That smile...

They say you care less. They say you feel less. They say it is easier for you. They say... 

You laughed because at that spilt second, you felt all the pain that you have been through. It hit you hard. Then you realize that you do feel less. You do care less. It does seems easier for you. Because your mind and heart has without you noticing, harden more each time.

There you go... Put on that smile. Because it is easier to live this way, with a smile. It is easier to shut off pain than facing it. So now that the second is over, what do you do? 

You put on that smile and let you ADHD brain takes it's course. 

:)

Selfish me

I sometimes ask myself whats the point of writing stuff here when no one would read it anyway. And if someone ever, they would probably be a passerby that find all this shit being all whiny. This blog has become my emotional rubbish bin. I run here whenever I have no where to turn to or too afraid of how people would judge me for how I think. Yes, I still do think I am like a kid discovering new experiences that excites me. Like a kid with a new toy. 

Yes, I do know that I am selfish. Yes, I am selfish. So what do I do now? My brain is being a bitch again, asking me to avoid. To run. To fuck it. But I do know myself and reality. How long more can I run? Fucking it does not solve shit. It just fuck things up more sometimes. In this case, it already is making things worse. 

I am asking myself in repeat in my brain, am I trying hard enough to mend this relationship. Did I even try at the first place? Or did I just make myself think that I am trying so that I do not feel as guilty? Then my brain goes on to tell me that I am finally tired of this cycle. The whole relationship roller-coaster. I have finally reach the point where selfish seems easier. What am I doing? What exactly do I want? I can no longer differentiate what is wrong and what is right. Which is the selfish that is ok and which is not? 

"Christine this type of girl..."

"Christine this type of girl..."

Isn't that the statement of my life. No one to blame but myself for that. Well, at least I have a statement. :D
Here's to a little self pity. They are somehow partially right. So, can't blame them for saying that. We've all got to move on from that somehow isn't it?

"You are so afraid of everything. You won't know what you want till you take that step isn't it?"
A well known fact in my head. It is not real enough until someone says it out loud to me. Well, that right person as well. So what is it?

"Have you ever picture your life without me?" - "Nope. Never. Because I have never been alone for so long that I have forgotten how is it like being alone."
For some part that is kinda true. Have I pictured it? Somewhat, yes. Truly? Well, no. No idea how would I be. Not the without him part, but the alone part. And..........I wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When it is yours, then it will come back to you eventually. Just that, do you have the courage to let it go?"
Well, isn't that easier said than done.

"Then go la. Go do it."
Why? Why do it? Realry? For real?

You are in denial

First of all, I am tired. Tired of constantly having the need to answer to someone. To explain myself. What am I doing? Who am I with? When am I going home? What time am I eating? Where did I go for lunch? Why am I going do dinner with whoever? My phone is constantly buzzing but with very tiring questions about my every move. Am I complaining now? Yes. Why? Because I am tired. I am so very tired. 

Another, confusion should be my middle name. Just when I thought I am done figuring myself in that aspect, my mind and heart will come in and screw things up. I am tired of that too. 

Is this why I was not angry? Is it because I am just as horrible anyway? Is it because I am just as low? Some secrets you just can't say it out loud, because it cuts even you yourself. The moment when you realize something about yourself that is so sad but it would probably end up like that either way. I get it now. Why Daisy didn't look back. Why she ran away. Why she broke his heart. Because at the end of the day, you already know who you are, is just that you find it hard to come to terms with it. So bottom line, this is not confusion. This is denial. This is avoiding. This is shame. This is the truth.

Questions of life

Who are we? Really. Do we really know who we are? Or do we just wander around the Earth, clueless?

I question life way too much. Paranoid way too much. Running away one too many times. But I always end up here again, questioning life. Questioning the fundamental thoughts of human. Why do we act that way? Why do we forgive? Why do we endure? Why do we keep quiet? Why do we run? Why do we hide? Why do we let our demon take over? Why do we love so deep? Why do we hate so heartlessly? I find myself with so many "whys" but no answers.

I am only 22 and life has already surprised me in so many ways. Whereas, I surprise myself on how I acted towards it. Am I really ok with the things I have said I am ok with? Or am I secretly running away from the problem and avoid facing it? Why am I running then? Am I afraid? Or it is because the society has craved a mindset into me?

Where do I stand? Is that the question I should have asked?

You know who you are

Why? Why after a year? Why were you here? You do not care. Do not try to tell me I am wrong because I am not. Because if you do, you would have return calls. You would have shown that you care. But no. You did not. Then you come here after a year and drop comments at 4 am in the morning. To tell us that you are sorry about not being there. How about other things that you are suppose to be sorry about? How about the fact that whatever you did with her screw up my whole foundation on trust? How about the non-existing rights that I was suppose to have after finding out that my ex-boyfriend once cheated on me and lied about it? You do not care. So please do not try to be sentimental here. You did not change. You are still the same as you were. I was just too in love with you to see that side of you.

Him & Her

I keep asking myself what do I feel? Anger? Frustration? Disappointed? Sad? Betrayed? It has been few days since I got the news, but I still can not figure out what is it that bothers me.

I feel...empty. I can't say I feel nothing but I can't say I feel something. Maybe my mind is telling me that I SHOULD feel something but I am not feeling any. That is why I get this weird vibe every time I thought about it.

Seeing their pictures on Facebook is not much of a help. I deleted 1 off, so maybe I would not have to think so much. Don't really have the time to bother about them or care in my case. They always manage to bring the bad side out of me. Very very bad. Trying very hard to avoid most of the time.

As for her, I don't know. I don't feel like facing her just yet. I think I would be able to, eventually. I mean every time I looked at her, I feel nothing. Hollow. Let's just cast her aside for a moment. When the time comes, I will probably know what to do.

Their mishap makes me think a lot. I have done it before and now I have been in both position. Not fun but an experience. I can't make myself go angry at them because every single time my emotions wanna go crazy at them, my brain starts giving a flash back at what I have done before. I am as horrible as they are. So what rights do I have to go crazy at them? For all I know, this was my punishment. In that case, God has been kind on me. Letting me know only after He knows it won't hurt that much anymore.

I don't know what to make of this situation. I really don't. I have tried to leave it. You know, "Let bygone be bygone.". But it keeps creeping up back at me. Very annoying BTW.

Guess I just have to let time show me the answer...

FUck with the title!

WARNING: I would probably be babbling for the next few paragraphs. I need to get all the crazy thoughts out of my brain. They might not even make sense. Either way, it does not really matter. No 1 reads my post anyway. I wanna cry so badly. Scream so badly. Need a hug so badly. Most of all, I need to not feel this way more badly. Worst part of it all, is that I have no idea how to tell my friends what is wrong. WHAT'S WRONG?! Oh, so many! When my mouth is close and sitting all alone with nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan or the blasting music from my earphones, my brain seem like it is about to explode. So many thoughts and feeling flooding it. But finally when someone ask me whats wrong and I try to pin point out the overflowing-excrutiating details in my mind, it choose to go blank. COMPLETELY BLANK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am staring at the screen right now and all that appears in my mind is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that horrible-crappy fucking feeling in my gut. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am depress as fuck!!!!!! I never knew I have the ability to be this depress. And then I ask myself, what are you depress about? There we go again, BLANK! How fucking fuck up a person could be to have her mind this blank?! My phone is sitting right next to me. A part of me wanna throw that son-of-a-bitch to the wall and watch it break. Another part of me wanna off it and disappear, even if it is just for a few hours. Sad to say and admit to myself, that I never have the courage to do that. Never had, probably never will have. Some will ask, whats the big deal? No 1 would die if they can't contact you. I just don't know why I can't do it. But having it on is killing me inside. Keep wondering, will it ring soon? Will I get a message? Oh, FUCK ME! FUCK YOU TOO! My brain might just explode anytime and leave horrifying stains on Magdeline's room walls and scaring her mother at the same time. I don't want that. Not because I am afraid of dying. Just afraid that if I don't die, imaging the questions I need to answer. That might just blow my brain again! I realize I am starting to not make sense. To be honest, I have no idea where I am heading with this. But I just can't stop typing. My brain might REALLY BLOW if I do. Ok, maybe in this case, crying non-stop. That leads to questions too. So no thanks. How do I end this? Maybe just this way:- END

It's getting harder to cope. Harder for me to ignore. I am not giving up just yet. But I am feeling horrible everyday. My mood swings are getting worse and worse. A minute I would be fine, then the next I am all over the place. I can no longer smile that easily. Sitcom no longer sooth my emotions. Food no longer has effect either. What have I become? It's scaring me.

For every bit...

The more I try to make myself feel secure about the future, the more I can see how insecure it is. I realize that we are so different. In a way, it has taught me so much. YOU have taught me so much.

I no longer dare to look ahead. Cause from where I am looking, it looks cloudy. I do not know why am I still here though. If it was me last time. I would have bail. But not this time, no matter how horrible I felt sometime, I still have the heart to stay on.

If this ever end, I owe you everything. Whoever I end up to be in the future, you have contributed to it. I love you ever bit for that.

My heart and brain has never felt this way before, till now. I can never describe how it has changed me. Changing me in this case.

I do hope this last. I really do. I love you.

About me

I read my "About Me" column yesterday... First sentence in my mind, "dafuq?!" How?! Why?! What?! WHY?!?!?! It is an embarrassment just by reading it. Did I really sound that cina-fied last time? (Actually I do not really need to ask that question...)

Changing it soon... 1 word. Embarrassment!

20 years 4 months and 23 days

I remember the time when I have wished for weird unpredictable future. Well, if you wait long enough, Lord has a way of giving them to you. I had a long chat with my close friend last night about.....life. Cliche I know but like Marshall said (from HIMYM) "Cliche is cliche for a reason. It is comforting..." And well, IT IS COMFORTING. I realised I do not have anything or should I say, I SHOULD not have anything to complain about my life. It has few a wonderful, fulfilling and adventurous 20 years 4 months and 23 days of pure awesomeness memories! Sure. I have done some pretty stupid things and regretful at times. But all and all, it was one hell of an experience! There are so many things that I want to say to so many people. So many untold stories. Unexplained misunderstandings. Unshared secrets. All because of one label. The label of "mistakes". Yes, I do dwell. I dwell because sometimes when you are all alone in your room staring at you computer on the "New Feed" page of Facebook, it just hit you right in the face. What and why are they your friends on Facebook? You do not even talk to each other. When you do, half of the time they were not even thinking about talking to you. They just thought it would be awkward if they don't. Then again, there's no point to dwelling. That's what I would tell myself when I start dwelling... How pathetic?! (This oh-so-psychotic-ways-to-live-life) (Oh Christine! Where are you going with this?) Coming back to what I really wanted to blog about in the 1st place before I went side track about my dwelling and pathetic mind. Ok, where was I? Oh yea, weird unpredictable future and God. Well, I got what I wished for. Even got the one I wished for last year! About me taking a break, not having to be thinking and sorting things out in the relationship any more. Living it now. Not as awesome as I have pictured it. But well it is still pretty awesome, just not as awesome. Your mind will keep creating illusion of problems about your life that are full of crap! That's the downside of having to get what you have always wanted. You suddenly stop doing what you have always done. It was fun at first, but then it will slowly get to you. Giving you a small panic in you mind that there is a hole that you need to fill. That hole is fake! You are just so not used to being taken care of. Till now, I have totally lost my point and have no idea what I wanted to write. Some other time then.

Karma/Anger/Misunderstood

It is without doubt that I have made mistakes in my pass. Some that I am ashamed of. I am willing to accept whatever God has plan for me. Although I am not going to lie that it is painful to go through.

1. I have been true to you as I can possibly be. If you think that I am lying, then there nothing else left for me to hold on to. Even if it is the truth. I am not standing any ground or even trying to argue with anyone. Truth is, I have nothing to do with it. If rumors said otherwise, then so be it. I no longer has strength to fight.

2. You put me there on a silver platter, serving me up for them to be played. I am not angry at them because I know him and the rest, to be honest, I don't care. But you! You out of all should know better. Don't worry, I am angry at myself too. For believing in imagination!

Did I do it wrong again? Cuz it feels like it. I am tired.

Where do I go when I wanna write a bunch of crap which I do not wish others would see...??? No where but here.

I don't know what exactly I am suppose to do. I did not ask for anything. I don't need all those things! Why can't I just have a normal relationship?!