You are in denial

First of all, I am tired. Tired of constantly having the need to answer to someone. To explain myself. What am I doing? Who am I with? When am I going home? What time am I eating? Where did I go for lunch? Why am I going do dinner with whoever? My phone is constantly buzzing but with very tiring questions about my every move. Am I complaining now? Yes. Why? Because I am tired. I am so very tired. 

Another, confusion should be my middle name. Just when I thought I am done figuring myself in that aspect, my mind and heart will come in and screw things up. I am tired of that too. 

Is this why I was not angry? Is it because I am just as horrible anyway? Is it because I am just as low? Some secrets you just can't say it out loud, because it cuts even you yourself. The moment when you realize something about yourself that is so sad but it would probably end up like that either way. I get it now. Why Daisy didn't look back. Why she ran away. Why she broke his heart. Because at the end of the day, you already know who you are, is just that you find it hard to come to terms with it. So bottom line, this is not confusion. This is denial. This is avoiding. This is shame. This is the truth.

Questions of life

Who are we? Really. Do we really know who we are? Or do we just wander around the Earth, clueless?

I question life way too much. Paranoid way too much. Running away one too many times. But I always end up here again, questioning life. Questioning the fundamental thoughts of human. Why do we act that way? Why do we forgive? Why do we endure? Why do we keep quiet? Why do we run? Why do we hide? Why do we let our demon take over? Why do we love so deep? Why do we hate so heartlessly? I find myself with so many "whys" but no answers.

I am only 22 and life has already surprised me in so many ways. Whereas, I surprise myself on how I acted towards it. Am I really ok with the things I have said I am ok with? Or am I secretly running away from the problem and avoid facing it? Why am I running then? Am I afraid? Or it is because the society has craved a mindset into me?

Where do I stand? Is that the question I should have asked?

You know who you are

Why? Why after a year? Why were you here? You do not care. Do not try to tell me I am wrong because I am not. Because if you do, you would have return calls. You would have shown that you care. But no. You did not. Then you come here after a year and drop comments at 4 am in the morning. To tell us that you are sorry about not being there. How about other things that you are suppose to be sorry about? How about the fact that whatever you did with her screw up my whole foundation on trust? How about the non-existing rights that I was suppose to have after finding out that my ex-boyfriend once cheated on me and lied about it? You do not care. So please do not try to be sentimental here. You did not change. You are still the same as you were. I was just too in love with you to see that side of you.

Him & Her

I keep asking myself what do I feel? Anger? Frustration? Disappointed? Sad? Betrayed? It has been few days since I got the news, but I still can not figure out what is it that bothers me.

I feel...empty. I can't say I feel nothing but I can't say I feel something. Maybe my mind is telling me that I SHOULD feel something but I am not feeling any. That is why I get this weird vibe every time I thought about it.

Seeing their pictures on Facebook is not much of a help. I deleted 1 off, so maybe I would not have to think so much. Don't really have the time to bother about them or care in my case. They always manage to bring the bad side out of me. Very very bad. Trying very hard to avoid most of the time.

As for her, I don't know. I don't feel like facing her just yet. I think I would be able to, eventually. I mean every time I looked at her, I feel nothing. Hollow. Let's just cast her aside for a moment. When the time comes, I will probably know what to do.

Their mishap makes me think a lot. I have done it before and now I have been in both position. Not fun but an experience. I can't make myself go angry at them because every single time my emotions wanna go crazy at them, my brain starts giving a flash back at what I have done before. I am as horrible as they are. So what rights do I have to go crazy at them? For all I know, this was my punishment. In that case, God has been kind on me. Letting me know only after He knows it won't hurt that much anymore.

I don't know what to make of this situation. I really don't. I have tried to leave it. You know, "Let bygone be bygone.". But it keeps creeping up back at me. Very annoying BTW.

Guess I just have to let time show me the answer...

FUck with the title!

WARNING: I would probably be babbling for the next few paragraphs. I need to get all the crazy thoughts out of my brain. They might not even make sense. Either way, it does not really matter. No 1 reads my post anyway. I wanna cry so badly. Scream so badly. Need a hug so badly. Most of all, I need to not feel this way more badly. Worst part of it all, is that I have no idea how to tell my friends what is wrong. WHAT'S WRONG?! Oh, so many! When my mouth is close and sitting all alone with nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan or the blasting music from my earphones, my brain seem like it is about to explode. So many thoughts and feeling flooding it. But finally when someone ask me whats wrong and I try to pin point out the overflowing-excrutiating details in my mind, it choose to go blank. COMPLETELY BLANK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG?! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am staring at the screen right now and all that appears in my mind is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that horrible-crappy fucking feeling in my gut. I am hungry but I don't feel like eating. I am depress as fuck!!!!!! I never knew I have the ability to be this depress. And then I ask myself, what are you depress about? There we go again, BLANK! How fucking fuck up a person could be to have her mind this blank?! My phone is sitting right next to me. A part of me wanna throw that son-of-a-bitch to the wall and watch it break. Another part of me wanna off it and disappear, even if it is just for a few hours. Sad to say and admit to myself, that I never have the courage to do that. Never had, probably never will have. Some will ask, whats the big deal? No 1 would die if they can't contact you. I just don't know why I can't do it. But having it on is killing me inside. Keep wondering, will it ring soon? Will I get a message? Oh, FUCK ME! FUCK YOU TOO! My brain might just explode anytime and leave horrifying stains on Magdeline's room walls and scaring her mother at the same time. I don't want that. Not because I am afraid of dying. Just afraid that if I don't die, imaging the questions I need to answer. That might just blow my brain again! I realize I am starting to not make sense. To be honest, I have no idea where I am heading with this. But I just can't stop typing. My brain might REALLY BLOW if I do. Ok, maybe in this case, crying non-stop. That leads to questions too. So no thanks. How do I end this? Maybe just this way:- END

It's getting harder to cope. Harder for me to ignore. I am not giving up just yet. But I am feeling horrible everyday. My mood swings are getting worse and worse. A minute I would be fine, then the next I am all over the place. I can no longer smile that easily. Sitcom no longer sooth my emotions. Food no longer has effect either. What have I become? It's scaring me.

For every bit...

The more I try to make myself feel secure about the future, the more I can see how insecure it is. I realize that we are so different. In a way, it has taught me so much. YOU have taught me so much.

I no longer dare to look ahead. Cause from where I am looking, it looks cloudy. I do not know why am I still here though. If it was me last time. I would have bail. But not this time, no matter how horrible I felt sometime, I still have the heart to stay on.

If this ever end, I owe you everything. Whoever I end up to be in the future, you have contributed to it. I love you ever bit for that.

My heart and brain has never felt this way before, till now. I can never describe how it has changed me. Changing me in this case.

I do hope this last. I really do. I love you.