A lesson from above

I find myself looking up at Him again. He always have his way of making me understand how does it feel when I do certain things to certain people. It does not mean it is bad. Just how it would felt like to be on the other side. To feel and go thru the same situation as it before. Only this time, I am sad about it. Because I have been a horrible person. Horrible enough to have put someone thru something so painful and hard. The only different is now I don't know how this would end. Hopefully not as how mine was but still, it scares me just thinking about it. 

Thank you, Lord. Thank you for the lesson. 

That smile...

They say you care less. They say you feel less. They say it is easier for you. They say... 

You laughed because at that spilt second, you felt all the pain that you have been through. It hit you hard. Then you realize that you do feel less. You do care less. It does seems easier for you. Because your mind and heart has without you noticing, harden more each time.

There you go... Put on that smile. Because it is easier to live this way, with a smile. It is easier to shut off pain than facing it. So now that the second is over, what do you do? 

You put on that smile and let you ADHD brain takes it's course. 

:)

Selfish me

I sometimes ask myself whats the point of writing stuff here when no one would read it anyway. And if someone ever, they would probably be a passerby that find all this shit being all whiny. This blog has become my emotional rubbish bin. I run here whenever I have no where to turn to or too afraid of how people would judge me for how I think. Yes, I still do think I am like a kid discovering new experiences that excites me. Like a kid with a new toy. 

Yes, I do know that I am selfish. Yes, I am selfish. So what do I do now? My brain is being a bitch again, asking me to avoid. To run. To fuck it. But I do know myself and reality. How long more can I run? Fucking it does not solve shit. It just fuck things up more sometimes. In this case, it already is making things worse. 

I am asking myself in repeat in my brain, am I trying hard enough to mend this relationship. Did I even try at the first place? Or did I just make myself think that I am trying so that I do not feel as guilty? Then my brain goes on to tell me that I am finally tired of this cycle. The whole relationship roller-coaster. I have finally reach the point where selfish seems easier. What am I doing? What exactly do I want? I can no longer differentiate what is wrong and what is right. Which is the selfish that is ok and which is not? 

"Christine this type of girl..."

"Christine this type of girl..."

Isn't that the statement of my life. No one to blame but myself for that. Well, at least I have a statement. :D
Here's to a little self pity. They are somehow partially right. So, can't blame them for saying that. We've all got to move on from that somehow isn't it?

"You are so afraid of everything. You won't know what you want till you take that step isn't it?"
A well known fact in my head. It is not real enough until someone says it out loud to me. Well, that right person as well. So what is it?

"Have you ever picture your life without me?" - "Nope. Never. Because I have never been alone for so long that I have forgotten how is it like being alone."
For some part that is kinda true. Have I pictured it? Somewhat, yes. Truly? Well, no. No idea how would I be. Not the without him part, but the alone part. And..........I wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When it is yours, then it will come back to you eventually. Just that, do you have the courage to let it go?"
Well, isn't that easier said than done.

"Then go la. Go do it."
Why? Why do it? Realry? For real?

You are in denial

First of all, I am tired. Tired of constantly having the need to answer to someone. To explain myself. What am I doing? Who am I with? When am I going home? What time am I eating? Where did I go for lunch? Why am I going do dinner with whoever? My phone is constantly buzzing but with very tiring questions about my every move. Am I complaining now? Yes. Why? Because I am tired. I am so very tired. 

Another, confusion should be my middle name. Just when I thought I am done figuring myself in that aspect, my mind and heart will come in and screw things up. I am tired of that too. 

Is this why I was not angry? Is it because I am just as horrible anyway? Is it because I am just as low? Some secrets you just can't say it out loud, because it cuts even you yourself. The moment when you realize something about yourself that is so sad but it would probably end up like that either way. I get it now. Why Daisy didn't look back. Why she ran away. Why she broke his heart. Because at the end of the day, you already know who you are, is just that you find it hard to come to terms with it. So bottom line, this is not confusion. This is denial. This is avoiding. This is shame. This is the truth.

Questions of life

Who are we? Really. Do we really know who we are? Or do we just wander around the Earth, clueless?

I question life way too much. Paranoid way too much. Running away one too many times. But I always end up here again, questioning life. Questioning the fundamental thoughts of human. Why do we act that way? Why do we forgive? Why do we endure? Why do we keep quiet? Why do we run? Why do we hide? Why do we let our demon take over? Why do we love so deep? Why do we hate so heartlessly? I find myself with so many "whys" but no answers.

I am only 22 and life has already surprised me in so many ways. Whereas, I surprise myself on how I acted towards it. Am I really ok with the things I have said I am ok with? Or am I secretly running away from the problem and avoid facing it? Why am I running then? Am I afraid? Or it is because the society has craved a mindset into me?

Where do I stand? Is that the question I should have asked?

You know who you are

Why? Why after a year? Why were you here? You do not care. Do not try to tell me I am wrong because I am not. Because if you do, you would have return calls. You would have shown that you care. But no. You did not. Then you come here after a year and drop comments at 4 am in the morning. To tell us that you are sorry about not being there. How about other things that you are suppose to be sorry about? How about the fact that whatever you did with her screw up my whole foundation on trust? How about the non-existing rights that I was suppose to have after finding out that my ex-boyfriend once cheated on me and lied about it? You do not care. So please do not try to be sentimental here. You did not change. You are still the same as you were. I was just too in love with you to see that side of you.