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I have to admit, I do miss those times. Times where I could yell at him the whole day, smack him every time he says something wrong and the day I gave him Lenny. It is weird how things turn out between us. Part of me am so glad but another is full of guilt. Maybe because he is special. Different from the others.

Different. Love you, Lenny's owner.

I am so angry and sad! The worst thing is, I do not know what is causing it. I am angry at everything!

I don't wanna stay home. I have no money. There is no where I wanna go. I am just lost in the sea of cars. Trap in traffic jam would probably be the best part about all this. It is the only time where I have an excuse to not face reality and say, "I am trap between cars. I have no where to turn."

I don't feel like meeting anyone or talk to anyone. I secretly wish that I am sick and there is people to take care of me. But even if I am. No 1 would. *exclude my mum.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am that horrible at being a human. Does that means I would be worse being dead?

It suck to feel only anger and not hatred. Sadness but nothing to be sad about.

Past...Present...Future

A year ago, I would say, "Ok, this is happening."


A year before that, I would say, "OMG! Is this really happening?! I can't believe it! I have to tell .......... *my bitches " >.<


A week ago ~ "This is getting out of hand. It feels untrue. Am I suppose to slap myself back into reality or just slap myself?! Or is this REALITY?!" *FREAK OUT!!!!


60 minutes before now ~ "I am afraid. I can't make myself not be. It is just there. No matter how hard I try, it just don't go away!" *long pause "I should chill. He is talking to me. Next to me. Telling me that he loves me. I should chill." "I CAN'T CHILL?! The more convince I am that he loves me, the more impossible it is for me to CHILL!" *its too good to be true


Now. ~ *still doesn't have the answer to all of my questions


Future. ~ Still would be fill with doubts by others. But does it matter?

My impulsive mind is telling me to FUCK LIFE. I do not like the fact that my blog post are always emo. But I only write when I am emo. When I am happy, I just laugh! Having horrible feelings creeping inside me. I feel pain. Cuts. Everything emo. >.<

So this is how it is.

I hate my mind. I hate me.

Bits and pieces...

Occasionally, my past sneaks in and poke me a little. It is like it never wants me to forget. It doesn't bother me that much any more. Still. It always caught me off guard. What can I do right? I was the one that created it...

Sometimes, it makes me feel like there is no way that I could ever start over. Have a new beginning. Different life... People from my past doesn't seem to want to let go. They pass on the stories, the rumours and the lies to the people in my present. I consider myself lucky though. They might not understand, but they respect and accept. That is something that certain people from my past couldn't do. It does not really matter whether have I done anything to them or not. What matters to them, is what they have seen and heard. They never really know the truth. Even knowing now wouldn't change anything...

I am different but I am not different. I am abnormal but I am normal.

Just one question; What gives you the right to hate someone, when you don't even know them?

This is NOT who I am. This is what I WANT to be.

There are several people that I care about in my life that always makes me want to stab myself in the heart when I am trying to talk some sense into them. They make me so frustrated and mad and helpless! They make me feel AWFUL! Dave told me once, that he can't stand people that don't know what they are doing but are still doing it, even though other people have told them it is not right. He said that he prefer people that still do what they want to do even though they know its wrong. Because at least they have a clear conscious of what they are doing.

I DISAGREE! People that don't know what they are doing still have hope in finding out the crack. They still have hope. They still can be help. As for people that know what they are doing but still go on living their everyday life doing SHITS that they think is right, well... They are the most hopeless and pathetic ones.

I always use the sentence " This is who I am. This is how I do it." It is not wrong to use it, but we used it so often that we have unconsciously glued our self to the stupid fact that THIS IS WHO WE ARE. It makes us stop growing as a person. Stop opening up our heart and eyes to see the world. To evaluate matters. To accept people. Differently. We prisoned our self!

I was one of the victim too. Everyone around you is telling you to be who you are. Be yourself. There is a deeper meaning to that sentence. It is not just about being who you are now, it is about being who you want yourself to be! It is about making decision based on who you want to be.

Julie's quote...

It is 24 March 2010. The clock is about to strike 5pm. I am sitting on my bed and just finished watching Julia & Julie AGAIN! It is amazing how a movie can affect some one's life. In these case, the 2 hours 3 minutes 24 seconds movie has officially made me see something in my life.

I may not have the will power to stuck myself in front of the stove to cook a delightful and delicious meal. That does not mean I don't have passion for something else. Although I do hope to have the cooking passion, but sad to say... I don't. When Julie said, quote "So I will cook my way through Julia Child's cook book and write a blog about it but I would probably need a deadline. Because otherwise, it would be like everything else I do. Lets face it, I'd finished anything." That quote applies to me in every way! Cut out a few words, replacing them with my words. It is a perfect way to describe my life.

Yet, she did it! She did "the impossible"! She proved to herself that she can. Watching her almost made me felt her happiness in me. That feeling of achieving something you are passionate about and even knowing it seem to you, it is impossible. But you did it! That feeling is irreplaceable! Now it made me feel like sticking my head into something I am passionate about and make sure I accomplish my goal! Challenge myself to something that will change my life!

So there you had it, I am on a journey in finding my passion in life and pursuing it in whatever mean possible! Wish me luck! ^_^