Karma/Anger/Misunderstood

It is without doubt that I have made mistakes in my pass. Some that I am ashamed of. I am willing to accept whatever God has plan for me. Although I am not going to lie that it is painful to go through.

1. I have been true to you as I can possibly be. If you think that I am lying, then there nothing else left for me to hold on to. Even if it is the truth. I am not standing any ground or even trying to argue with anyone. Truth is, I have nothing to do with it. If rumors said otherwise, then so be it. I no longer has strength to fight.

2. You put me there on a silver platter, serving me up for them to be played. I am not angry at them because I know him and the rest, to be honest, I don't care. But you! You out of all should know better. Don't worry, I am angry at myself too. For believing in imagination!

Did I do it wrong again? Cuz it feels like it. I am tired.

Where do I go when I wanna write a bunch of crap which I do not wish others would see...??? No where but here.

I don't know what exactly I am suppose to do. I did not ask for anything. I don't need all those things! Why can't I just have a normal relationship?!

My diploma years is coming to an end... Entering a new phase in life! I wonder would I make the right decision. Life has been confusing so far. I know that I no longer have the rights to say that. I am somehow already in my 20's. Saying that seem silly. Can't help it. I am that confuse.

So many questions, so little answers. For some, I do not dare to seek for it. Others, I merely let it pass me by... Too coward of me.

I keep saying people need to grow up. But I do not dare say that I am already grown up. For me, it is too big of a word. It might just eat me alive together with my ego. Time would make me realize someday. Question is...should I wait and do I have the time to wait... #lifeshard

I won't say my goodbyes

I heard my heart shattered today. I knew this would be the last. It will never be mend again. Somehow I don't mind it to be a cycle, because I know at least there is still love...

I don't pray for her to find her way. I have no rights to say she is lost. Just pray that God would keep her safe and take care of her. Which is something that I can no longer do.

I know I am not much of a good friend to her. I apologies for that. But I would stand my ground for things that I did not do wrong. In which, I believe that she would come to understand it one day.

I will not say my goodbyes to any of 'her'. I no reason too. I always think that Blair is stupid. No matter what Serena does to her. She forgives. Somehow again, I believe that all three of us are the same. We just all need different time to adapt.

Both of you will do great. That is how both of you are. And always will be... I won't disappear. I won't run. I won't be in denial. I won't avoid. I would just be here. Then again, I start wondering...does it matter?

20

I had a fantasy from the day I met you. I never run wild till I was sure. I remember staring at you across the lab. At that moment I was certain about a few things... I was 17.

1) I am going to be with that guy.
2) I love him.
3) I know he loves me.

Now,

1) We love each other.
2) I am going to marry him.
3) He is not yet the man he could be...

My question to myself now is, what am I willing to give up?

How was the 1st day of my training?

It was....kinda boring/good... Don't really have any word for it. Hopefully tomorrow would be a better day. I am extremely sleepy though... Make that very sleepy.

Good night, God. And world!