A post that meant to be for myself....

I am not saying that no one understand what i am going through.... But understanding and being on the spot is two very different thing... My brain and my everything is craving for attention now... I want attention surround me non-stop.... And those attention would lead to hurt for other people... I should not be jealous. In fact i have no rights to be jealous... If i really am jealous, then i should better isolate myself from the world... From everything!!!! But i cant. I cant stop seeking for attention that i dont deserve... That was not mine to have... How do i stop??? I wanna blame someone for all the mess i am creating here... But i cant. Because it is no one's fault. It is just my own stinking rubbish... A huge pile of rubbish in my head that i cant seem to get rid off... I wanna quit my job, run up to KL and work for my aunt, hide up there as long as possible while waiting for college to start. Finally get into college and settle down. Throw myself into a pile of homework or whatever assignment. Maybe that time all the books could help my get through this stupid and pathetic stage in my life... And again, i cant. I have made a commitment that i would work till the end of April. If i quit now, i would create a lot of trouble. Running up to KL is not going to solve anything at all. I probably create more mess-up situations. Sigh* Why dont i have a brain that work properly??? A brain, body and heart that communicate in a directly proportional way???

Goodbye my mei mei......

I know always assuming things that i am not sure about would probably be a stupid move... But i cant seem to stop it.... If i am not wrong, they are back together... I just went to his friendster profile and saw their photo... As i have promise, i would respect your decision. Even if you dont wanna tell me that both of you are together. I would just assume. If whatever happen last time make him learn to appreciate you more then i am very happy for you. Even if he hates me now, i still think it is worth it... At least you are happy.... I wish you all the best with him... I wont bother you no more... I guess he wont want you to have anything to do with me.... Dont worry... I know what to do... I would silently walk away... Goodbye my mei mei.....

Out Of My Mind!!!!!

What is wrong with my brain???? Haha.... It keep playing games with me... I keep having different emotions... So weird... Is like 1 minute i care so much and the next minutes i just dont really seem to care.... Cant seem to get my brain.... Can you believe it??? My own brain!!!! This is funny at the same time very weird.... I guess me and my brain dont always speak the same language... Do anyone know how to communicate with my brain??? Please leave a message or call me... I would really appreciate it.... Will be waiting....

I am SORRY!

I am fine... Listen to her... Or maybe not... Listen to yourself... You know my answer... I would not accept anyone now... Not even if edward is standing in front of me... Or kneeling down to beg me.. I just wont and i cant..... I have lots of thinking to do... Its not anyone's problem it is just mine... T is a great girl... But dont just jump to her just because this does not work out... I am not jealous. I just think you should be more clear minded first.... You dont have to constantly like someone... I am sorry i make you misunderstand... I should not have treat you that good... I will keep my distant starting from today....

Random...???

I love this picture so much.... when we are crazy together....

My sister... She is always the best in those woo-hoo things!!! Hehe...

Me and my bro.... Love him lots....

After movies with him and my friends... Isnt he cute??? Best guy in the world o....

F myself!!!!!!!!!!

Do i still mind??? Why do i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see those pictures??? I am really confused... Why can i get over every great guy i have ever been with but not this jerk??? Why do my heart still ache everytime i think of him??? I wanna cry... I really wanna cry... But my tears just wouldnt come out... I want to cry so much... So badly... I want my eyes to ache.... I want to shout out loud!!!! I wanna lose my voice... I want to look him in the eyes and tell him, he is a jerk.... I want to yell at him!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself so much!!!!!!!!!!!!

Medicine + Valentine = ?????

Lol.... People tend to misunderstand for even slight actions.... It was valentine last 2 night and i heard my friend was finding for a medicine so i just get it for him when i saw it... gave it to him on that day... And people just start creating stories... That i "like" him... This is so funny.... It is a medicine... Medicine + Valentine = ???? They dont mix.... If his girlfriend is reading this... It is just for a friend. Thats it... Nothing else.... And i have never "like" him before.... Nothing happen before.... Friends last time and friends always.... LOL...

Till next year's valentine.....

2009 Valentine past just like that.... It is absolutely not what i have expected it might be... To be honest it kinda just feel like any other outing day i always have.... Nothing special.... We were rushing all the time.... We did not even have a proper dinner.... I expected tonight to be simple and calm.... I dont even mind having instant noodle for valentine dinner... I thought we would be spending time chatting and watch a movie at your house... To me that would have been a great valentine already.... I dont mean i dont enjoy it... It just not what i have expected.... I wasnt that into rushing and driving everywhere because i was tired... I am sorry... But thanks for being there with me as a friend... Even after i have been such an a**.....

Last Supper.....

Hate it when a small misunderstand makes people hate me... What have i done again??? I have explain everything and what i really mean to say.... Why does she still hate me???? There goes another friend.... Well i dont even think she even thought me as one before.... Haiz... I still have face her everyday.... So i guess the LAST SUPPER that night at Jonny's would be the end of all the awesome memories i have.... Sobbing away now... Just read her blog... I dont know if she mean me or not... But i just assume because its pretty obvious....

"The Walk"

I know being in love probably would be the greatest feeling in the world... I would really wish i could feel it some day... But i am very sure i hope that day dont come anytime soon... I have to take a walk with myself first before i could take someone along with me... I would walk with someone one day... But that day would be a long wait... All i cant do now is to try my very best to finish this walk of mine first and on the way not to get tempted by anything around me... I need to know my strength.....

Now my first priority is to stay working as long as i could. Get into college. Settle down. And then i might think about it... Think about what i am going to do next....

Valantine Day craziness

Omg omg!!!! I have to stop!!! STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!! I have to stop doing this! Stop doing things that would end up hurting people... I cant do this no more... I cant stand it... Being such an absolute idiot... Being so easily affected...

I cant be in love... I DONT WANNA BE IN LOVE!!!!!! Errrrr.... i feel like knocking myself to the wall now. Bang Bang and Bang!!!! Knock some sense out off me... Out of my brain.

Hypothesis :
1st - I am thinking overly crazy about everything... Thinking in so many different ways that everything got jumble up and now i am going woo-hoo....

2nd - I am not over him... Not over that idiot jerk that has been killing me for the past one and a half year... Still got sad every time i think of him...not for what he have done to me. But is to what i have feel about him all this time. Which i am still confused. I just feel sad and gloomy each time i think of him...

3rd - Having some mental problem or phobia against relationships issues... Just wanna get as far away as possible from it...

Conclusion : All three hypothesis is accepted. In short form.... I am a crazy, pathetic, freaking a**hole!!!!

Hmm......

Saturday is valentine day.... Havent been spending valentine alone for quite a long time... Its going to be a very interesting valentine this year.... Good thing is, i dont have to spend any money to buy anyone anything.... The best thing is i dont have to think of what to buy...

Now a days, its weird when i see couple holding hands or hugging... My heart just have a sudden "BUZZ"... Haha its kinda funny.... I got sad for a moment then after that i am smiling away... The weirdest thing is....i actually like that feeling.... Its very calming.... Like a one of a kind of medicine... Its bitter and sweet at the same time....

I wonder.... How am i going to spend valentine this year??? Hmm.... Seriously i dont really mind staying home and blog all night.... But i kinda sound a bit pathetic dont it??? So i think i would go out.... Now another question, who would i go out with???? Thats a very tough question.... To be honest i dont even know if i have the strength to go out on that day... I have been working my butt off with 4 days of full time shift.... Waking up early and coming back at twilight hours.... My brain is currently going through a serious malfunction... Cant think properly since last night.... I have a huge problem in absorbing information now....

Wait!!! I am going way off topic... Back to valentine... I think my brain have just shut off... Suddenly i cant think of anything.... What to do or even what to type anymore... All i noe now is eat up and go sleep.... very very very sleepy....

Weird.... but GOOD....

I finally did it.... What i should have done long ago.... Officially single and unavailable..... Want to spend some alone time with myself first.... Pamper myself and go crazy..... Enjoy every moment of fresh new air.... I havent been tasting this 'flavour' of air for a long time.... I am kinda new to it.... Like i just enter a whole different world... A world that is filled with total different 'flavour' kind of air.... It makes me curious everyday.... Wondering about what is going to happen....

I dont know how i can stand it... The temptation.... Is like my body dont respond to it anymore... Of course my brain still does... "It" keep asking me why am i restraining all the temptation around me... But i did not.. My body just walk away from it. Its weird i know. I cant explain it either... But i kind of like it though... I usually feel really stupid and bad after i get tempted... Now...things is getting weirder but better.... Its fun too.... Haha...

Surprises from my sis....

I have never thought that i mean so much to her.... I have always thought that F was always first in her mind.... Until today..... I have just read her blog... It surprise me a lot... I have always been and still am always the first 1.... And that i am that important to her... I dont remember what i have done to deserve that... I have always try my best to be there but she never seem to want it.... When she ran away from home, i beg my mum to let her stay at my house even for a night... But she always refuse my help....

Now i wonder... How many people some more that is out there that i mean so much to???? That i have never know.... Or am i just dreaming... I am not important at all to anyone...

Confused????

I really hate to see my classmate at my working place.... Is not that i dont want to see them.... I am happy to see them... Is just that i always look invisible to most of them.... I try to make myself understand and except it but its just so hard because the truth is i have never done anything to them....

1st girl _ AGL - I have never done anything to you... I have already talk to him less after he is your bf.... I never even touch him.... Dont even dare to talk to him alone... I pull up my skirt up to my knee in class because i am hot!!! Not to show off my legs or trying to be horny.... And fyi, no one wants to see!!!! Your bf hit my car, so why are you giving me that face???? I am not even blaming him or you... You just hate me.... FOR WHAT!!!????

2nd girl _ MCL - I want to say "GET A LIFE".... But that is too harsh. So....why are you doing this???? Izzit just because one of your best friend is my ex, one of your ex is my ex or one of you "bro" is my ex???? You are the one spreading rumours and talking horrible crap behind my crap.... And in the end you are the one that hate me?????

3rd girl _ JY - Halo???? Do we even know each other that well??? We have never spoken to each other more than 10 words???? As a matter affect i dont even think we know each other more than our name.... Out of no where you just decided that you should hate me??? That you can throw the plate of food you are suppose to serve me.... ??????

4th girl _ AGLN - Omg...this is more weird.... I dont even know where to start.... I think of your name and i am just speechless.....

Its here....

Its Saturday tomorrow...or i mean today... After 7 p.m. my nightmare will begin... Wait...maybe earlier, at 2 p.m. I got to face a problem and a person that i have been running away for weeks... I got no idea what to say to him... I try to practice with myself... But all i can say is sorry...and i got no idea what to say anymore. Its like i am stuck at that word. Omg...where am i going to find that courage to speak to him???? I am already stuck now.... I cant imagine how izzit going to be when i am really talking to him... What am i going to say???? How on earth can i put those horrible words into a sentence that wont kill him???? I keep telling myself that saying sorry does not do an good to anything.... But all i can think of now is that word...

Should i wait until i meet him face to face??? Or should i do it now??? Should i wait??? But i so tired of lying and waiting... Tired of pretending... Tired of looking at the future that is so....so....so.... I am speechless....

M i happy????

M i happy??? Hmm.... Very good question.... How should i answer???? Haha wait! Its how WOULD i answer.

A) I am very happy!!! Because i should be.... I have lots of things others dont. Even something is missing but i should cherish everything i have....

B) I am ok with my life... Its starting to settle down now... For the 1st time in my life i am actually feeling good about whatever i am doing now... I actually think twice... Haha... That have never happen, and not in my life i ever thought it would happen. But it is happening now and i am very happy about it.

C) I am not happy.... My life sucks.... Everyone dont understand me... I am so lonely. No one wants me....

My answer : B!!!!!!

P.S I feel so fake writing C... Its so not me... I was never like that and never will be... OK.... maybe i was once... But i was really having a hard time. Now and in the future i would never ever say that again because its just so..........NOT ME!!!!! Hahaha.....

Stop The Crap!!!!!

Why are you so tense up by something so simple???? Read it properly : "If you are smart, you would leave now... I am no good for anyone!" Its a warning.... Not a statement!!!! Not an order.... So could you just snap out off it??!!!! Stop being so down earth emo!!! There is nothing to cry about... Nothing to be sad for.... Nothing for you to be so crap up for....

I m not ready... Not wanting to make some decision that i am not ready to make yet... You are making everything so complicated and despair about it in your blog... When the truth, it is not....

Miss Independent????? NOT!!!!

I am not trying to be Miss Independent. I am just not ready now... I have never been single since i am 13!!!! Cant i just stop and catch a breath now???? Is that too much to ask for???? All this time i have been who others want me to be... I am so confused of who i am now. That i dont even know myself... I just want to find myself and know who i am before i make another decision that would affect others.... We are not in high school anymore.... Mistake that we do we have to bare with it forever.... We dont get a 2nd chance so easily anymore....

When i am still in my right mind now. I will say what has always been what i truly want to say to you. If you are smart, you would stay away from me. I am not the kind of girl you would want to hold hands and share happy times together... I am no good for anyone. I am so mess up and full of crapping ego. True the 1st few months would be like a dream but trust me i will give you hell after that. I know you wanna make it up to me. But not this way. I have hurt many people that i dont wish i have. I will make you suffer... I will make you live in hell... I will make you wish you have never met me...

Walk away now when you still can... I am sorry if i make tears stain on your pillow... I am sorry that make you think i would be good.....

Triumph That Hurts!

Triumph is usually something happy to celebrate about... But what if the triumph that you get is by cheating and lying your way through everything to get it... Does it have meaning anymore if thinking it back??? Should the winner be smiling or sobbing??? Should he/she be proud or ashamed of their winning??? Come to think of it... Is winning that important??? If by being a winner hurts the people you love and most importantly people that love you, izzit still worth it??? How can a person define triumph in a way that no one would get hurt??? In a war, either one of the opponent wins there will always still be blood pouring. In a relationship, if you finally get to be with the person you love, there will still always be someone else that love that person crying off the pain of losing.... In examination, being the 1st in class is a winning that everyone dream for... but there again will always be someone crying for their lost.

I have been a very selfish and manipulative person... Wait! I still am. I have always lie and cheat my way to getting what i want... It sometimes matter to me how others feel but usually i am just so blinded by all the things that i would get that i forget how it would hurts anymore. The most ashamed action that i have ever made in my life is not lying to the people i love. Its lying to the people that loves me... Because i dont deserve any of their loves... With all the things i have done, i should be left alone all by myself to suffer for my actions. My addictions to winning is so strong that now when i sit down and think about it... It does not even make any sense to me anymore.... Cuz the funny thing is, are those even winnings???? If those are, then where is all the medals and trophys??? I dont see any... I dont think i even have any. If i do i should throw and burn all of it. Cuz there is nothing proud to be showing them off.

The truth is i have always been the loser... I have lost the trust of many people and friends... I have lost so many things just to get one... So i am the loser... A blind loser.... An addict...

So piss off with life

Great!!!! Just now when i was working i have so many things on mind to write... Now its so jumble up i dont even know which and what to write anymore... People just like to walk away from my life without telling what happen... What i did??? Cant you guys at least tell me???? Or am i suppose to get the messege myself by all the torturing things you guys are doing to me??? Well i am very happy you think i am that smart. But i am not... I am dumb!!! Very dumb!!!! Tell me.... Dont do things in front of me and expect me to get it...

Could anyone please drive any vehicle and knock me off the road.... Make me forget everything... Let me feel the physical pain at least.... O... wait... Since you treating me so cold... Why dont you just drive your bike and knock me hard???? I would thank you... Dont worry about it... I wont press any charges... You might even feel better....

Ok...coming back to reality... If you are good enough not to run me over with your bike.... Can you at least dont treat me that cold???? Cant we be like normal friends???? TALK NORMALLY?????

Mix emotions

You make everything sound like a fantasy... But i just cant find a reason to believe.... To believe thta your words are true.... You might as well give up... I got no idea how long this would last....

Chinese New Year is coming to an end to me.... Sob Sob... Start working on the 3rd day already.... So boring... But i finally get my pay!!!! HAHAHA!!!!! Not much but it feel so nice.... Hehe.... Bought my bro a jacket that i promise to get him like ages ago.... So so sorry bro.... I hope you like it though...

Another side of me is so sad... I m losing contact with my elder sis.... To be honest i get all the news about her from my younger sis n my bro.... She never tell me anything anymore.... (sorry guys i lied saying that i know everytime you guys trying to tell me something about her.... I just dont wanna sound pathetic...) Haiz.... I guess you guys probably would be laughing when reading this post.... I guess i earn it...