A post that meant to be for myself....

I am not saying that no one understand what i am going through.... But understanding and being on the spot is two very different thing... My brain and my everything is craving for attention now... I want attention surround me non-stop.... And those attention would lead to hurt for other people... I should not be jealous. In fact i have no rights to be jealous... If i really am jealous, then i should better isolate myself from the world... From everything!!!! But i cant. I cant stop seeking for attention that i dont deserve... That was not mine to have... How do i stop??? I wanna blame someone for all the mess i am creating here... But i cant. Because it is no one's fault. It is just my own stinking rubbish... A huge pile of rubbish in my head that i cant seem to get rid off... I wanna quit my job, run up to KL and work for my aunt, hide up there as long as possible while waiting for college to start. Finally get into college and settle down. Throw myself into a pile of homework or whatever assignment. Maybe that time all the books could help my get through this stupid and pathetic stage in my life... And again, i cant. I have made a commitment that i would work till the end of April. If i quit now, i would create a lot of trouble. Running up to KL is not going to solve anything at all. I probably create more mess-up situations. Sigh* Why dont i have a brain that work properly??? A brain, body and heart that communicate in a directly proportional way???